‘Thank you,’ I say, side-stepping the question. I do, or did, have my date with Adrian and have chosen one of my favourite dresses tonight. It’s deep purple with a high neck and a deep cowl at the back. However as I came down the stairs just now, I don’t know why, I found myself tapping last-minute excuses into my phone and hitting send before I pushed the kitchen door open.
‘Make my skin glow?’ Kevin queries, looking as if this might be the argument that wins him over.
‘Uh-huh and your nails and hair strong.’
‘Oh, I do not need to be removing even thicker hair than I do already. Believe.’ He raises his hands and starts to rap the opening to Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five's ‘The Message’ – giving extra weight to the word jungle–and then slut drops behind the kitchen island, poking his head back over the top to add, ‘Seriously, I’m already considering developing my very own bee army to tackle the wax demands my underarms make now.’
‘I like your armpits hairy,’ Dan says and Kevin flushes and reaches his hand out for the glass.
‘Go on then, a sip won’t kill me.’
Dan is a Machiavellian mastermind. We exchange a triumphant look.
‘I’ve cooked a coconut, black bean and spinach curry for your dinner so the combination of that and the smoothie should make you full enough to not feel the need to stop at the kebab house on the way home this evening,’ Dan adds.
‘Nothing will ever make me too full for kebabs,’ Kevin says as he finishes the drink without screaming, wincing or shouting blue murder.
‘You know the best way to lose weight in time for July –’ I pause as his face looks unhealthily eager ‘– in a way that isn’t going to do you any serious long-term harm or damage,’ I add, ‘is to give up the booze and sugar. Just for a couple of months. If you did that—’ I don’t get any further as both of them turn to me with looks of abject horror, cup their faces in their hands and perform a version of Munch’sThe Scream.
‘Twats, the pair of you,’ I say before adding, ‘I don’t suppose there’s a bit of curry going for me?’ I’m expecting the nth degree from these two about Jay and need to face it sometime. I have done a pretty good job of avoiding Kevin the last two nights by racing to bed early and spending all of yesterday evening hiding out at the lido before he left to do his Friday night residency at The Candy Counter in Bath.
‘Of course,’ Dan answers, ‘but...Adrian? Are you not off out to see him?’
‘Hmmm. Well, yes, he’s in Bristol and I’m in Bristol and this one has been simmering for a while so I was all dressed and ready to go but um –’ I busy myself taking bowls out of the cupboard so that I don’t have to look Kevin in the eyes ‘– but um... it kinda...errr...I thought... you know what, I’m not feeling it and I’d rather come to Chrysalis with you guys tonight.’ I straighten up as I pop the bowls on the side. I don’t need to turn to see the looks they’ll be exchanging. I’m not unaware that I’ve ditched Adrian but kept my chi-chi frock on.
‘Oh my God. It’s that man, it’s that man,’ Kevin says excitedly, waving his hands. ‘When we caught them in the garden playing angry birds or whatever the fuck it was they were doing and she had a smile on her face the size of the suspension bridge, Itoldyou something was up, I told you!’ He is triumphant and I am tempted to tip curry on him.
‘Yeah, cos didn’t he ask if we minded him coming along tonight with his sister or something and we said it was fine?’
‘Right? Right!’ Kevin says in a scary echo of Dan from earlier.
‘You didn’t sleep with Dr McDishy when you had the chance and now you’ve ditched Adrian, a guy you have been trying to see for a while now, to come out with us? I’m no detective but –’ Dan is popping the curry into the bowls and I grab an avocado and start prepping it as a side ‘– is something happening here, Lily Galbraith?’
‘You said it was work!’ Kevin says accusingly but still with childlike triumph dominating his tone.
‘And it is,’ I say as Dan hands us our bowls, I pop the avocado on and we all head to the table. ‘It really is.’
‘I was only testing him because I assumed it was a date you believed worthy of bringing to hallowed ground. I was doing you a favour and you made me feel all bad.’ Kevin pouts.
‘He wasn’t a date, only there for work, you know,’ Dan tells Kevin, a high-pitched teasing note to his voice, and I can’t help but smile. They really are little fuckers.
‘I did see them working,’ Kevin responds in a similar tone and I sit back and wait for them to get this over.
‘Oh yes it was work, work...’
‘…and more work.’
‘The work was endless.’ They’re both nodding along at each other like a pair of grandmothers nattering over a fence.
‘I saw.’
‘She said this about work.’
‘He said that about work.’ They’re enjoying themselves way too much at this point, the words batting between the two of them like a ping-pong ball.
‘Then she said, and you’ll never believe this, she said...Work me hard, baby.’ Dan puts on his filthiest voice.
‘He said...Oh, let me do the work.’
