‘Okay, okay, the two of you can stop now, I get the picture,’ I interrupt. This could go on all evening.
‘Weeerrrrrrkkkk me babbbyyyy,’ the two of them screech in unison, Kevin laughing so much he’s in danger of falling over.
‘Okay, yes. Yes, I think he’s hot, you saw him, right?’ They nod ferociously as they cackle. ‘But I asked him out for a drink and he said no. It’s all quite complicated but he’s not dating at the moment plus he’s all about finding The One, so you know, we’re hardly a good match. We’ve agreed it’s best we keep anything sexual firmly off the table and just work together.’
‘So you say but, Missy, you have kept this one very close to your chest, mighty suspicious.’ Kevin holds my eye and I raise both brows at him in unspoken challenge.
‘Mighty suspicious,’ Dan echoes and I know I should have told these two about Jay the minute I had got home from the lido and certainly after the meeting at the youth centre. But the truth is I had wanted to keep it to myself. I hadn’t known how to tell them because the opportunity that Jay was providing was big but it was complex too. I know my thoughts about him cross the colleagues-only line but I do not want to vocalise that, or breathe life into it, and certainly not to the boys.
There is too much dissonance in the way I find myself thinking about this man, thoughts that challenge my rigidly constructed and deliberate boundaries. Talking to Kevin usually helps me figure things out but for some reason I have wanted to keep all this close, hug it to myself and ponder Jay with no judgement. Have his presence in my life a secret.
And that is not something I can remember doing before.
With Jay opening up about his need for a family, how he wants to have children and give them the best possible upbringing, I know a fling between us is never going to roll. We are on completely different,completely different, paths so any ideas I may have had about a quickie after we finish working together has to be off the table.
It wouldn’t be fair on either of us.
And I am aware that there is something going on inside me regarding Jay. I may be more attracted to him than I realise or attracted to him in a different way to the way I am usually with other men. But with my infertility, with not being able to have children because of my bastard damn menstrual cycle and fucked-up reproductive system, then I know I have to get these feelings, this attraction, under control and keep this relationship entirely platonic and entirely professional.
And the truth is I really like Jay. I think we could be good friends. I respect him, his honesty, the direction in which he’s taken his work, the way his sister and the girls at the youth club are important to him. I want to be his friend. And knowing how incompatible we are means that being his friend will be easier. As much as I may fancy sleeping with him, I would not be any good for him either short-term or long-term so that makes the platonic thing a whole heap easier.
I am going to be friends with Jay and nothing more.
And as we sit at our kitchen table, the light of the early summer evening beaming down on us, me in my fancy going-out frock, Kevin in his jeans and hoodie, his hair scraped and taped back, Dan in his regulation boots and black T-shirt, I tell them about how I met Jay, what work we’re planning together and why we will only ever be good friends.
Chapter Twenty
Jay
Cassie is jumping about with all the excitement of a kitten, in fact she’s remarkably like Dim when he brings in whatever half-dead creature has taken his fancy the evening before. Cass even batted me with her paw, albeit affectionally, when I gave her her gift – a new set of brushes and tools for paint – and showed them to Jas, who patronisingly said they were very thoughtful and suggested she put them with the rest of her equipment, canvases, paints, primers, tools, clothes, even a bloody easel, all of which Jas has bought her.
Witch.
Cass deserves these things, she deserves the world and I am grateful that Jas has provided them. I just can’t shake the thought that they are less like gifts and more like shackles.
To keep the peace I praise Jasmine’s generosity and we swap some entirely true statements about how talented Cass is but Jas and I both know that we are at odds. We are on different teams and tonight it's a bit like Rovers and City pretending they’re mates. The trouble is Jas is smart, smarter than me, and I need her convinced that I am not a threat. Tonight must be about me making inroads with that.
Cass, the sweet, naive, and ever-hopeful joy that she is, seems unaware of any underlying tension and keeps bouncing around saying she always knew the two of us would get on famously. The two of us smile agreeably but both know that’s not true. That may be the one other thing we can agree on.
However, I can’t fault the fact that Jas is trying and so am I and together we grab an Uber and head straight to Chrysalis.
We jump out and head into the door of the beautiful old building but this time when I enter, Phyllis gives me a smile.
A smile!
And a nod, before saying, ‘Back again? You’re Lily’s friend, aren’t you? They’ve just got here.’ And she motions towards Lily’s table.
Lily, whom I hadn’t expected to see tonight.
My heart soars.
I shoot a look over. How can I not? And I am blown away. She looks amazing, next-level a-maz-ing. I met this woman in a sauna, and it was just as well. I’m a confident man but had I first met her as she was when she turned up at the Youth Centre – so polished, sophisticated and put together – then I doubt I would have had the audacity to strike up a friendship.
And I thought she looked fine then, but tonight, tonight she looks like she has stepped off the pages of some glossy magazine; one of those unattainable women that you don’t believe really exist and whose images are largely managed through airbrushing and good lighting. But it’s Lily, Lily looks like that and it’s just her, in real life, no specialist lighting or computer techniques needed. Lily who caws on rooftops. But as perfect as she is, as generous and kind, as funny and relaxed – even ignoring my agreement with Cassie and with our new working relationship – I know she is way out of this man’s league.
‘Hmm, Lily, huh? Wanna put your tongue back in your mouth, your eyes back in their sockets and tell me that I was right all along?’ Cassie hisses at my side and I see that she is looking across at Lily’s table, presumably following Phyllis’s nod and my eyeline.
‘It may be your birthday, Missy, but don’t get ahead of yourself. Yes, that’s myfriend and colleagueLily. We’re working on a wellbeing programme for the Youth Club together. Not once,not oncehave I tried to make it anything else,’ I say firmly.
