‘And the list is to do with finding the perfect partner?’
‘Exactly that, I need to make sure the woman I decide to spend my life with has all the criteria my kids will need in their mother to make the best of themselves.’ His face is serious, and I can see how much this means to him, not in a freaky controlling way but in a determined to do the best for his future family kind of way.
‘That’s a very fixed way of looking at relationships...’ I leave the sentence hanging. How Jay lives his romantic life is none of my business but it’s helped me stop thinking about creeping my hand up his thigh, which is what it really had wanted to be doing.
Until this speech.
I move it slightly and sit on it just to make sure.
‘Yeah, it was a bit of a shock to discover my sauna buddy was the famous Love Doctor, all wise about everything in relationships.’
I raise an eyebrow; he smiles sheepishly.
‘But more than that,’ he adds, ‘it is kind of coincidental and a bit embarrassing, uncomfortable.’
‘Huh, embarrassing why?’ Wow! Uncomfortable? If he is going to say something dismissive about my work that means my self-respect will force me to walk away right now. Surely not though, if he wanted me on board with the girls’ project? That would make no sense.
I cock my head to one side as I await his response.
‘It makes me feel as if I have a secret, and truth is I don’t want secrets between us, so now I have to make an admission,’ he says, still holding my eyes with his, my lust now replaced by mild anxiety. Although if my heart could understand the word ‘mild’ and slow down a little, I’d appreciate it.
‘Go on,’ I say, sure that the trepidation is clear in my tone.
‘I...um...’ He looks down at his lap and bites the side of his top lip.
Jesus.
‘Jacob! You joining us for a kickabout later?’ A voice comes booming across the garden and I see his head shoot up and he grins, lifts his hand in a hello gesture, turns it into a thumbs-up and then shakes his head, almost imperceptibly, to indicate that disturbing him at this point is not a good idea. His friend nods in response and goes into Mama K’s instead. Meanwhile my heart is now ready to explode out of my chest. A hyperbolic reaction, I’m sure, but there is nothing worse than the unknown.
‘You read out a problem a few weeks back on your podcast...’ My mind is racing. Um… hated by his mother-in-law? No, can’t be, we’ve established he is single. Weeping willy? Unhealthy crushes on women old enough to be his grandma? I mean, I’m all for talking the good talk and saying each to their own and there is no such thing as unacceptable if it’s between consenting adults, but please don’t be that last one.
‘...about...um...about my fears for my sister in the relationship she was in.’
Ah, the coercive control message. Of course!That’swhy he is showing his sister change is a good thing. That’s why staying celibate is important to him. It has nothing to do with him or the women he wants to date, it’s his way of having some positive input into a situation he feels so powerless in. A way he can help protect his sister.
His message had got to me, and I made it a special podcast because there was so much to say and it is such a serious issue. I have wondered about that one ever since… so that was Jay. That was Jay about Cassie. Cassie who seems to have every barman at Mama K’s under her thumb? That bouncy happy woman who had come and grabbed him from the sauna. Boosh! I know not to judge by appearance, not to make assumptions, of course I do, but still. When we think of coercive control we think of drained-looking women, women who are cowed, fearful of the next verbal blow. We forget that clichés fail to cover the spectrum of experience. It’s a powerful reminder.
‘That was you about Cassie?’ I want to keep it neutral and not splurge theno!in my head. But I ought to check that he doesn’t have any other sisters and I’m not mixing things up here.
‘Yup.’ He scrunches up his face and I pull my hand out from under my leg and touch his arm.
‘I had no idea. I’m sorry you’re going through this. And that she is. How have things been recently?’
‘Yeah, she’s still with Jas and she’s quit work here.’
‘Here in Mama K’s?’
‘Uh-huh. Jas is “keeping” her. Keeping her in what, is my concern. Quite frankly it feels like it’s even more chains she’s wrapping around Cass, making it harder for her to leave.’ He pauses, and then in a more anxious tone than I have heard him use before, ‘I hate to ask this, but I’ll beat myself up if I don’t. Would you be able to talk to her?’
‘Oh Jay, I would love to say yes, bring her to my office and all will be well. But you know as much as I do that any change needs to come from her. If she wants to come see me then obviously I will move heaven and earth to be there for her, but I can’t storm in and give her unsolicited advice about her life. That’s not going to do anything other than push her closer to this Jas. I’m sorry, Jay. I wish there was a magic wand in cases like this. But there’s not, it takes patience, time and trust in the building blocks that were put in place during childhood. Have faith that what made you the man you are also makes Cassie strong enough to break free of this.’
He looks at me and for a second the world feels like it’s stopped as I see so much pain in his face. He takes a deep breath. ‘That’s the thing, those building blocks.’
And as we sit in the sunshine Jay opens up about their childhood, an absent mother, the sudden death of their father, years in the care system before they found security with their foster parents. In a matter of minutes, as this gorgeous, caring, responsible, pained man talks to me, I understand about the man he has become and exactly why he is so worried for his baby sister, and my heart breaks more than a little.
Chapter Sixteen
Lily
