Yeah, I bet she does. A little bit further from your family and friends, at home all day, completely dependent. I work hard on keeping my breathing measured and the smile on my face.
‘Look, I’m doing it,’ Cass continues. ‘It’s happened. You could just say, “Congratulations, that’s a great decision and I’m happy for you.”’
‘Congratulations, I am happy for you if it’s what you want.’ I use every muscle in my face to stop my eyes rolling and try and channel the non-judgement The Love Doctor advised.
‘Of course it’s what I want. Now back to your self-imposed celibacy and making it interesting.’
‘But—’
‘Nope.’ She holds up her hand. ‘We’re talking about you now.’
‘Go on...’ I know there is no point fighting this. Let her have this battle and hope common sense wins the war.
‘How about if you can keep it in your pants for a full six months, no dating, no apps, no smiling at girls over the top of your beer, casting that bizarre spell you have without saying a word...’ She grins, happy to have the subject moved on to something she is much comfier with.
‘Woah, hardly,’ I protest. She’s making me sound like a player and I am the complete opposite of that. The complete opposite! I don’t want conquests, I want someone to settle down with, start a family. You couldn’t get more different.
‘Totally.’ She smirks. ‘You don’t even try and the daft fuckers drop at your feet. It’s embarrassing. And quite frankly makes me despair for the sisterhood. Do you know how many women I have had over the years come into work and ask me if I’m your sister and then try and cosy-cosy up to me? So, if you don’t date for six months, stop looking for Mrs Cooper, concentrate on living in the present, not the future, then I will not only do the banner thing but I’ll... um, what would you really like?’
‘Errr…’ I cast through my mind quickly and the only obvious answer is for her to leave Jas but that would not be a wise thing to say. It would have her out of this hot tub quicker than a whippet on speed and hurtle me to the top of her shitlist for ever. ‘Um...’
‘Seriously, you are so golden there is nothing you want in your life?’
I look down at my hands and rack my brains, then inspiration strikes.
‘I’d like my flat back.’ I wave my tattered hand at her again. ‘I’d like you to take back Dim, your spiteful little cacti and the rest of your houseplants, oh –’ I’m warming to my topic now ‘– and all those romance novels that you can’t have at your house because you’re scared Jas will think less of you but which are fine in boxes in my bedroom. Not to mention that rolled-up poster of Jasmine from Aladdin. It’s no wonder I’m not finding marriage material. They come and take one look at my flat and they run for the hills.’
‘Except they don’t, you do. And let’s not forget that Stella really took to that Jasmine poster. It was you that ran from her.’
‘She saw that poster and then used to wander around the flat in harem pants and a plait singing “A Whole New World”. I mean, seriously? What sort of crazy behaviour is that?’
‘I really liked her.’
‘Oh I know, you made that quite clear.’
Cass makes an ooh-she-was-gorgeous face. ‘Honestly, Jay, taking all that stuff back is a pain in the arse. You know Jas doesn’t want any of it in the flat. Her allergies.’
‘I’m sure you’ll be able to find a creative solution. But you know this isn’t necessary. You already have my word that I will not be dating for a full six months. I’ve promised.’
‘Okay then, and if you fail –’ she pulls her hands out the warm water and rubs them together ‘– you have to take over my duties for Sue’s choir thing. It’s only painting backdrops and things, you don’t need any artistic talent. Evenyoucan paint a pyramid or whatever they need. And a bit of set shifting. You’re far better qualified to do that than me.’
‘Woah, I’m the man so I can do heavy stuff? I thought you didn’t believe in gender stereotypes?’
‘I don’t. It’s not to do with male or female but with the fact I’m a creative type and have to treasure these beauties –’ she waves her arms around delicately to reinforce her point ‘– and you bench-press twenty times before breakfast.’
‘So what you’re saying is that you have no faith in my ability to stay celibate for six months and are going to turn my imminent failure into an opportunity to get out of a promise you’ve made and really don’t want to fulfil?’
‘Yup.’ Cassie grins.
‘In other words, if I shake hands with you on this and just carry on doing what I was doing anyway I have your sworn vow that in six months’ time my house will be free from that kitten and all your other clutter?’
‘Um... yes.’ Cassie sniggers. ‘Ifyou win!’
‘Oh, you are so on!’ I shake her hand with force. We exchange a grin that has decades of sibling battles, affection and experience all wrapped up in one small muscle movement. ‘Want to do a few lengths of the pool whilst it’s empty and then if you’ve got time we can grab some tapas and a coffee and then head back in here.’
‘Oh yeah, that does sound good. I thought I was going to miss Malcolm and Sue when they said they were going overseas for six months, but you know what, there are definite bonuses.’ She flings her arm out of the warm, bubbling water and waves it to encompass the lido laid out around us. ‘And now I won’t have to do the set painting either, life is sweet.’
‘So optimistic, so foolish.’ I say as we start to climb out of the hot tub and head to the pool just at the same time as the woman I had been talking to leaves the sauna. I smile at her sheepishly and hope to God I haven’t given her nightmares.
