‘He did search me out once. I remember it so clearly. A primary school football match. This man no one recognised was there, some flash woman on his arm. Mum couldn’t watch that day, she was working, and I never gave this new guy on the sidelines a moment’s thought, why would I? Then he came and introduced himself as my dad with this woman cooing all over me as if I was some mystical creature. I must’ve been about nine. And he never came back again. That was it. Poof!’ I feel the tears streaming down my face and I move to brush them away.
‘Rory, that is not your fault. That speaks to the kind of man, the fool, that your father was, nothing about you at all. Do you hear me? At all.’ Her tone is fierce, and I know on one level she is right but there is a huge difference between rational self and emotional self and right now emotional me is taking a turn.
‘I know, but I think it’s made me wary of men, does that make sense? Still to this day I don’t trust them until they’ve proven their worth. I trust women, I trust women like my mum who are there, who are staunch, honest and put the work in. And I’ve already lost one of the two women who has shaped me, the one that chose to be with me, and I will never ever get her back…’ I am choking the words out now. ‘I’ll never get her back, and now I am terrified that I am going to lose the woman who I have not lived a single day of my life without being secure in her love. And I have wasted all this time, I abandoned her, and now it could be too late. It could be too late.’ Belle remains wordless as my tears dry and my rant finishes. As I stop talking, she pulls me towards her and wraps me in her arms, squeezing me and stroking my hair. She does not say a word. She does not reassure me that all will be well. It’s as if she knows there are no words that I can have faith in and, in this moment, I want to nestle here and be protected for ever.
I last two minutes before embarrassment takes hold of me. I have just sobbed like a baby in front of someone that I have invited around for dinner. My heart had calmed but now it starts to beat real fast, the humiliation threatening to take control. I sit up, look Belle square in the eye and try to remind myself that she of all people can be trusted.
‘Hey, we should eat. Let me just go get everything ready.’ I take a deep breath, stand and pull out the blanket and make a show of laying it across her and tucking it in, my hands running down the sides of the couch, down the sides of her. Tuckingherin. I feel a shiver at the intimacy of it, and a flash of how my mum used to do the same for me when I needed to rest. For God’s sake. My friendship with Belle is meant to help me escape my emotions, not intensify them. This evening is not going as I planned. I give her my biggest grin as I straighten up and try to wrestle back a semblance of normal.
‘Now you rest up, don’t move and I’ll be back in a minute with your dinner.’ But as I start my sentence she raises her brow and I know she now knows more about me than I am comfortable with any person knowing.
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.
December Eighteenth.
Rory.
‘Hey, what are you doing awake?’ I ask Belle as she stumbles into the kitchen bleary-eyed but fully wrapped up in coat, mittens and scarf. ‘It’s half past four.’ I am embarrassed after my outpourings last night but am determined not to mess this friendship up by hiding away. I need to face this morning, and Belle, as if nothing happened. And maybe we can go on as we are, both pretending that I never said a word.
‘I could ask you the same.’ She is her usual self and instant relief fills my body.
‘After you fell asleep on the sofa last night I took myself to bed as well and fell asleep way earlier than normal, so consequently I’m awake now instead. Your turn.’
‘I’m sorry I fell asleep on your sofa, but I need to be back in Bristol for six, half six at the absolute latest, for work.’
‘No apologies necessary, you needed to sleep. You looked pretty cosy under that blanket. I’ll run you home. Oh, and you must take the tree.’
‘Oh, it was so good, no sofa should be that comfy. But honestly, don’t be daft. I can get home and I am not taking your tree. We can discuss that after Christmas!’
‘Seriously, you’re planning on getting a train home now and walking across the city in the dark to go straight to work?’
‘I checked, no train till six so I was going to get a Lyft.’
‘You’re mad. I’ll give you a lift home, no arguing.’
The drive didn’t take long despite going extra carefully. Overnight, the rain had turned to snow that battered the windows and the wipers were on full pelt to clear it. All of which is accompanied by Belle singing along to the Christmas songs on the radio.
‘They’ve got rivers of gold…’ She is giving the song her all.
‘How on earth do you manage to be this happy in the morning?’
‘This cleaning job has made me see the joy in early mornings. Before, I would have scowled at anyone who dared to talk to me before nine, now I love the early mornings. There’s a magical quality about the city as it wakes, and the streets are almost deserted.’
‘Did you want me to drop you at work or at home?’
‘Oh, home, please, although…’
‘You’re very secretive about this cleaning job. I’m still not sure you’ve told me where it is.’
‘No, I very probably haven’t but seeing as it’s only quarter past five now, do you want to do something proper lush and magical?’
‘That could be agreeing to anything.’
