Remembering what she’d said about her fascination with the science behind animal behavior, I asked, “So why did these lions turn from their regular diet?”
“There are a couple of theories,” she said, blushing as I gave her my full attention.Was that blush because of me, or because she was embarrassed that she knew the answer? I’d never known her to be overly modest—her confidence was one of her best qualities, as far as I was concerned. So it must have been because I was looking at her so intently. I liked that I had an effect on her, that her body responded to my nearness.
She continued, “One is that their regular food source was decimated by disease, so they had to find other prey.Another is that they had such bad tooth decay that they couldn’t hunt their regular prey and humans were an easy target.”
“That makes sense,” I replied. “Hunger will drive creatures to do strange things.”
I saw Emma give me the side-eye before she looked down at her feet and quietly asked, “So why do you do what you do, Alex?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said, feigning innocence. Where I’d felt a safe harbor in her before, I now felt this need to protect her from the parts of myself that were sharp and pointy.
“Don’t think I didn’t notice what happened to you downstairs. Why do you shut off and keep to yourself so much? I’m not trying to prod. I just … want to make sure you’re okay and see if there is anything I can do to help.”
She said it in such a sincere way, I couldn’t just brush her off or change the subject. She really was trying to help, and the way those blond curls framed her face made her look almost like an angel. Not that I believed in those either, but if there were such a thing, I’d bet they had curly blond hair that hung down their backs and blue eyes that shone with true compassion.
I didn’t want her to think less of me, and I had a feeling that if I emotionally ran away from her right now, it would be the death knoll for anything happening between us. What was going to happen? I didn’t know. But I did know that stopping here would be the kind of thing I’d regret—maybe for the rest of my life. I gathered courage and said, “I guess work is all I have ever known. I already told you that I don’t have roots anywhere. So I just focus on what I do best and try not to get too close to anyone I’ll have to leave behind.”
She considered me, and it was my turn to grow warm under her stare. Her eyes held something I’d label as admiration if I were feeling full of myself. There was something else there too, something that brought with it a spark.
I liked sparks. I liked the way they made my body sizzle and hum with awareness that we stood close enough to reach for one another. I enjoyed the heightened senses, because it allowed me to smell her flowery shampoo and the hint of fragrance she’d spritzed on her skin. Part of me wanted to follow that to the source and bury my face in her neck. She’d probably giggle.
The desire to hear that sound pounded in my blood.
“I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’ve just seen a different side of you when we are away from work. Why do you keep it walled off from others?”
I walked over and sat down on a bench against the wall. I needed some space from her to think clearly. All these thoughts of giggles and warm skin did funny things to my thought patterns. Normally, I was rational and my brain traveled on a straight path. Emma had me taking left turns and going in circles inside my own head.
She sat next to me, with about eight inches between us. Resting my head back against the wall, I replied, “It’s a habit now. To be honest, I don’t even know that I do it.” I shifted so that my legs stretched out in front of me and kept talking. “My mom passed away from cancer when I was young, and I guess I figured that I couldn’t get hurt if I didn’t form ties, and that just became my new normal.”
“Oh, Alex, I’m sorry.” Emma scooted over, and when her knee touched mine, I felt peace flow through my body at the contact, like she’d taken some of my grief. How did she have this effect on me? “What kind of cancer?”
Because I knew she’d understand the technical terms, I laid them out for her. “Glioblastoma multiforme.”
“A brain tumor?” she clarified.
I nodded. “It has a 95% death rate within five years of diagnosis.”
She patted my arm and let her hand rest over my wrist. “I’m so sorry, Alex. Thank you for telling me. I know that is very private.”
Her actions were that of a nurse, comforting and calm in the middle of a diagnosis. She did this so well, I wondered if she knew she was doing it at all. I also wondered if she felt the spike in my heart rate because of her touch. “I’d like to keep that one close to the chest. No sense in letting all the other surgeons suddenly think I’m a softy,” I said, trying to joke and lighten the mood. I wasn’t sure it worked, though.
“I’m glad you told me,” she said, looking down at our hands. So close together and yet not quite finding each other. I wondered if it was a metaphor for how our relationship was going to be, or if it meant we were on our way to being connected. “And yes, your secret is safe with me. It is not mine to tell.”
There was a long pause where neither of us said anything. It wasn’t awkward; we were both just lost in our thoughts. Museum patrons wandered past. We watched a toddler run from his mother, laughing as he was caught up in her arms and she kissed his cherub cheek.
Emma was the first one to break the silence. “You asked me once how I ended up in Chicago from Montana, and the truth is I was married before, and I followed my ex-husband out here.” She continued to stare at our hands.
I kept quiet, just letting her talk at her pace. A sense that this bench was outside of our normal lives, a place of confession and openness, held me captive. Though I was a willing one as far as Emma was concerned.
She drew in a breath, and her shoulders came up to her ears as if she were trying to protect herself against the memories. “Eric and I had been together since my junior year in high school. The truth was, I thought I was happy. Just after I graduated nursing school and Eric earned his MBA, we got married and moved out here. As a nurse, I could work anywhere, and he insisted this was the best place for him.”
Her tone hardened at the end of that statement, and I protectively groped to hold her hand. Our fingers entwined, and she held tight, offering me a brief smile in gratitude before she continued, “After just a few months, I started noticing inconsistencies in things he told me. Finding small lies here and there that raised my suspicions of other things. I did some digging and found out he was having an affair. I did a little more digging and found out that it wasn’t his first one. We got divorced shortly after that. That’s when Becca moved out here to help me pick up the pieces of my life and move forward.”
I didn’t know what to say. Eric had to be crazy! Why on earth would anyone ever cheat on Emma? She seemed to be the epitome of kindness, one of the sincerest people I had ever met. Not to mention she was beautiful. But really, that was secondary to the strong, wonderful person she was inside.
“I’m so sorry, Emma,” was the only thing I could think to say.The rest of my thoughts were like fists, and I didn’t want to hurl them her direction. If I ever met Eric, I’d tell him what a fool he was.
She turned and smiled at me, trying to hide the small tear in her eye, but I saw it there. The emotion from the betrayal was still raw for her. “It’s okay. A learning part of life, I guess. I was so naïve.” She lifted a shoulder like that was something to be ashamed of. “I’ve learned to be more cautious and stand up for myself.”
