“It wasn’t like that. I didn’t know – the thought didn’t even cross my mind at the beginning. I assumed she was yours, but by the time I though otherwise, it was too late. We were both there when the doctor told me I was pregnant, remember?” she said, trying to make him understand, to let him know that she had never planned to deceive him, but that things had snowballed. While he had been ecstatic at the GP’s that time, Jenny’s reaction to the news had been a little less assured.
How could she be pregnant? Upon discovering this mere weeks after she and Mike announced their engagement, the doctor began to trot out statistics about the Pill’s effectiveness. And a beaming Mike reminded Jenny that she’d had that vomiting bug shortly before Shane’s accident. The doc confirmed that this may well have interfered with the contraception’s efficacy.
It was only then that it dawned on Jenny that Mike may not be the father.
“I promise, I swear the notion had never crossed my mind before then. Remember you mentioned how quiet I was after the doctor visit, and I told you that I was just letting the news sink in? That was true. Iwasletting it all sink in, trying to come to terms with the possibilities. But what could I do? I had never seen you so excited. There was no way I could have broached the subject then.”
“You could have said something,” he said gruffly.
“I didn’t have a chance. And before long, everyone knew. Your mother, my parents – everyone. You’d told them all before I had a chance to think straight.” Her parents had been thrilled; Mike’s mother had been alittle surprised at the speed of everything; their engagement and a baby on the way, but equally elated. “The pregnancy was shock enough.”
Mike had been concerned about her frequent headaches, pallid complexion and ongoing tiredness. He had insisted she ‘get herself checked out’ and they both went to see Dr Clohessy. Jenny thought that if anything she was just run-down.
She should have realised the timing though, of course she should have known. But there was so much happening back then. She and Mike had just begun planning the wedding, she’d got another promotion and was working flat out to justify it. Had she discovered the news by herself, Jenny was certain that she would have admitted her infidelity and made Mike aware of the possibility that he wasn’t the dad.
Ironically she had never been a good liar, unable to sit comfortably with deception, partly because of her own experience of being lied to.
In different circumstances, Jenny would have told him the truth and faced the accusations and admonitions. At the very least, she would have let Mike be the one to decide whether he wished to continue with their relationship. And if he had left, then she would have dealt with the consequences and got on with raising the baby on her own.
It would have broken her heart, but over time Jenny convinced herself that she would have come clean, had she had the chance.
“Anyway,” she told him then, “the odds felt that you might well indeed have been her dad.” While she still couldn’t see Mike’s face, Jenny heard a quiet sob escape and she moved closer and laid a hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry love. I made some terrible choices that I can’t take back, and you don’t know how much I wish that I could. But please believe me when I tell you that none of this was intentional. Try to put yourself in my shoes back then. There was nothing else I could have done. I never, ever meant to hurt you or intended to deceive you. You have to believe me.”
Mike said nothing; he just kept his gaze fixed on the bedroom carpet. “I was so happy,” he croaked. “We were so happy.”
“I know.”
“No you don’t know. You don’t bloody know anything!” His entire body shook as he spoke. “You’ve made me look like a fool and all you can say is that you’re sorry. Tell me this – why now after all this time, did you decide to tell me? Why turn what I thought was our happy little world upside down? Why rock the boat?”
“Because he’s back,” she whispered. “Plus I think I’d always known deep down that the truth would out eventually. When you said this morning that he was back on the scene, I figured that there was no hiding it. It was fate. Karma even. Somebody somewhere is making me pay for what I did to you – and Holly.”
Mike wiped his eyes. “So the plan is to go off and play happy families withhimnow, is it?”
“Of course not. And I’m not sure whether he needs to know.”
“Oh I see,” he said, knuckles white. “You decide to turnmylife upside down, but you’re going to go easy on him, is it? Well, fuck that.”
He stood up and angrily resumed flinging clothes into his suitcase. “He deserves to know the truth too, no? After all, heisHolly’s father.” And with that, unable to hold back any longer, Mike broke down.
Jenny went to him, desperate to hold him in her arms and try and make everything OK again. But when he recoiled at her touch, a look of disgust on his face, she knew that for Mike things would never be OK.
What she’d said was true: shehadn’tdecided about revealing anything to Roan. But that didn’t matter. His return had been the catalyst to rid herself of the guilt that consumed her since Jenny discovered her worst fears had been realised.
It had hit her suddenly not long after Holly was born, when one day she noticed her daughter gazing at the baby-mobile dangling above her cot.
She was staring at it with the same intense expression Roan used when he was trying to figure out something.
And as she grew, Holly’s complexion and hair colour darkened while both Mike and Jenny’s colouring was fair. Though she had inherited Jenny’s blue eyes, which seemed enough to deflect comment or suspicion from anyone, Mike included.
Oddly enough though, Holly possessed Mike’stemperament. She was rarely grumpy or troublesome and such a good-natured child, always smiling and laughing at everyone. Jenny had often been stopped on the street by strangers captivated by her daughter’s beaming smile and happy giggle.
“She’s got the cutest little dimples,” an older woman had said to her one day.
Now, Jenny remained on the bed in silence, as Mike finished collecting his things.
Then, picking up his suitcase and refusing to look at her, he walked through the doorway and out into the hallway.
Hesitating a moment, he dropped his bags and went into Holly’s room, planting a quiet kiss on her forehead as she lay sleeping. When he came back out and Jenny saw the pain etched on his face she thought her heart would break.
