“I remember,” he said, waiting.
“It was difficult seeing him again and to be honest, it sent me into a tailspin,” Jenny continued, watching him closely, trying to gauge his reaction. “There was so much left unsaid and a lot unresolved since the last time we met.” Again Mike remained silent, so she pushed on. “That day, I left when Karen went away with the Quinns because I was exhausted. It had been an emotional week and it felt like I hadn’t slept in days. Plus I was stung by the fact that Roan didn’t seem as affected about seeing me again, as I was about seeing him.”
Mike nodded slowly. “A bit of a letdown, considering.”
“Exactly,” Jenny agreed, relieved that at least he could identify with her state of mind. “I don’t quite know what I expected, but given how things ended I suppose I thought that he might at least try to speak to me - apologise even, rather than simply stonewall. I was angry with him and even angrier with myself for expecting him to be any different, or even sorry.” She paused. ‘What I didn’t tell you is that after I left the pub, Roan followed me.” She went on to tell Mike about his apologies and explanations and how emotional she had been.
He nodded. “To be fair, I had more or less figured that out. That you’d seen the guy and laid the ghost to rest, as it were. I hadn’t realised how upset you were and you hadn’t told me that you had given him a lift back either. But what does it matter now?” he shrugged. “I’m not someone who’d hold a grudge or be jealous if that’s what you’re thinking. OK, I’ll admit it might be a little awkward from a social point of view, but we can get over that surely?” When she wouldn’t meet his gaze, Mike seemed to understand that there was more. “What? Please don’t tell me that you’re still in love with him, Jenny. Is that what all this is about?”
Still, she said nothing, unable to come up with the right words.
His face went white. “Jesus. We’re getting married soon – we have Holly and we’rehappy,aren’t we? Aren’t we?”
She watched Mike’s expression switch from initial concern, to confusion, bewilderment and finally, hurt. She ached to touch him but was afraid to in case she would lose her nerve.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he continued hoarsely. “I had no idea that you still loved this guy.” He shook his head. “If he truly was the one you wanted, if you were still holding a candle, then why on earth did you agree to marry me? Let alone start a family? Say something for goodness sake.”
Her voice shook as she spoke and she tried to battle her tears as they spilled a lot faster than her words.Yetresigned herself to the fact that there would be many more tears after this.
“It isn’t that. I wasn’t … I’m not in love with him. It’s you I love, more than anything else, and you have to believe that. It’s just … I should never …oh Mike, I’ve been so stupid.” Jenny put her head in her hands and sobbed, afraid to continue, terrified to reveal the rest, knowing that the truth would destroy them both. “And now everything’s ruined.”
“What? What’s ruined? Jenny, tell me.”
She couldn’t look at his face, knowing that his eyes would merely reflect her own distress.
“I’m so, so sorry,” she said softly. “By the time I found out, by the time I even suspected anything, it was much too late. And I truly never thought I’d see him again. But now that he’s back, you have to know the truth – you deserve to.”
Mike entwined her fingers in his. “Jen we’ll work through it. We’ve been through a lot together already. Maybe it’s just cold feet – ”
“Stop, you don’t understand…” Her voice raised an octave as she became frustrated. She was desperate to get it all out now, as if saying the words out loud would absolve some of the guilt. “I was going to mention my suspicions, and you don’t know how many times I tried, but ….” She paused and took one last deep breath, but still her voice quivered as she said the words. “I’m so sorry, but there’s something else, one last thing you didn’t know,” Jenny met Mike’s gaze for the very first time since the beginning of the conversation. “About Holly …”
59
The baby perched contentedly in her high chair while her mother made her favourite breakfast of Rice Krispies with hot milk.
Thankfully Jenny thought, watching Holly gurgle merrily to herself, her daughter seemed oblivious to the solemn atmosphere. Or that the man she’d called Daddy for the duration of her short little life, had last night packed his bags and marched out of the house and out of their lives.
“If it wasn’t for the love I have for our … or should I sayyourdaughter,” Mike had spat, his face wincing in pain as he corrected himself, “it would be youpacking. You can stay here until you find somewhere decent for Holly to live. It’s the very least you can do after lying to us both since the day she was born.”
“Mike, please,” Jenny pleaded, panic consuming her as she realised that he wasn’t going to give her a chance to explain further, “you can’t just leave.”
“Why not? It seems to me that I can do what I damn well please. God knows you did,” he shot back, eyes flashing.
She hung her head. “We have to talk about it, and you need to know that it was nothing to do with you and me, nothing to do with my love for you – it just was something I needed to get out of my system.”
He glared at her, outraged. “Well, good for you, Jenny. I’m so glad. Maybe next time you have something to get out of your system, we’ll end up with a son.”
The comment stung and she felt ashamed afresh. She had been so consumed with guilt and determined to unburden the truth, that she hadn’t properly considered the aftermath.
“Please try and understand – ”
“Understand!” Mike yelled and then remembered that Holly was sleeping in the next room over. “Understand?” he repeated, his voice dropping to a whisper, “what I don’t understand is after all this time, you suddenly decided to tell me the truth?”
“I had to,” she said simply. “The guilt has been eating me up since I first realised it myself. I love you too much to lie to you any longer.”
Mike winced as he heard this. He looked old and weary as he sat back down on the bed, this time keeping his back to her, unable to look at her.
“How could you? How could you have kept up such a pretence? Faking being as happy as I was when she was born? How could you when you knew all along that we were living a lie?”
