For once, he looked a little unsure of himself. But Jenny wasn’t going to be taken in by his little-boy-lost act. Not this time.
“How about, ‘Jenny, I’m sorry for lying to you, I’m sorry for cheating on you, taking advantage of you and treating you like shit?’ That would be a good start.”
“You’re right, you know. I won’t argue with that.” He turned to face her, but she concentrated her gaze away from his and out towards the water. “Iamsorry, I’m sorry for everything. You deserved better.”
“Yes,” she said simply. “I did. You told me you loved me; we were living together, for goodness sake. And yet you still cheated and lied to me all the way through. Why? If you didn’t love me, why not just finish it? Why the charade? Was it just because you needed a place to stay? Since the others had kicked you out.”
He shook his head. “When I said I loved you, I thought I meant it – at the time I did, but I suppose back then I had no real idea what I was saying.”
“Oh.”
So he didn’t love her after all, never had.
Jenny could feel the tears starting behind her eyes and she willed herself not to cry. They were all coming back now, all the old feelings of hurt, betrayal, and utter humiliation.
Back then, she had fooled herself into thinking that they had more. While she had put her very heart andsoul into making it work, Roan had done everything to tear the relationship, and her self-esteem, asunder.
“I’m so sorry,” he said finally. “Really I am. I know you did your best and I didn’t know at the time how lucky I was to have someone like you. It was only when I moved away that I realised how few people truly cared about me. I had nobody to rely on. I thought that everyone, all my so-called mates back here, would be impressed by my big-shot Manhattan lifestyle. I thought they’d all be clambering for invitations to visit and I was looking forward to showing off. But after a few weeks, I realised that nobody gave a shit. I ring my mother and once in a blue moon, if she wants something she might call me back. But she’s still annoyed at me for moving away. I could be dead in the Bronx somewhere, for all they care.”
“And that’s why you came back for the funeral? Because Shane cared?”
He nodded. “I had to pay my respects. He was under a lot of pressure before he and Karen set a date for the wedding. I think he felt that she was getting cold feet.”
Jenny was shocked to hear this. She was certain too that Karen would have had no idea that Roan and Shane had been communicating like this.
“Were you really that miserable?” she asked, wondering why he had stayed in New York if things had been that bad.
“At the beginning, yes, but after a while I got a place of my own – well, a house-share in Yonkers with a crowd of Dublin lads.” He shook his head in wonder. “At theshop near my place, you can buy Galtee sausages for your breakfast and Jacobs Cream Crackers for your lunch. They even stock all the Regional Irish newspapers. I buy theLeinster Postin there every week.” He laughed, relaxing a little. “I suppose all of this helped me settle.” He paused and glanced at her. “Then I met someone.”
Jenny said nothing. She’d had a feeling that this was coming.
“Her name’s Kelly,” Roan went on. “She’s American but tells everyone she’s Irish-American even though she’s never even been outside the state. She works as a radio dispatcher for the NYPD.” He smiled at her expression. “I know what you’re wondering but that’s not how we met. I haven’t been in any trouble over there – quite the opposite, the job is going well and I’m in line for promotion.”
Jenny listened in silence as he told her all this. It was incredible, she thought how separate their lives were now. He lived in another world, completely different from the one they had shared. And he sounded happy too. He had moved on.
“I met someone too,” she said, aware that she was using her words as both a shield and a weapon. She wanted him to be affected by this, maybe even a little jealous.
“I’m glad. You deserve it, Jen,” he said, and then he smiled that incredible smile, the one that revealed those tiny dimples on each side of his mouth.
It had been a long time since Jenny had seen that.
He gave a short laugh. “You won’t believe me but I talked to Shane about you shortly before I left and asked him to keep an eye on you.” He shrugged. “Arrogant of me, I know – because I should have realised you’d bounce back without help from anyone. I wanted to tell you I was leaving too, but by then it had been what – five, six months since we’d seen one another? Shane advised me against it, said that you’d moved on and it would be better if I just left you alone.”
“He was right.”
“I wanted to pick up the phone to you so many times, Jen. I was lousy – I know that now. But believe me when I tell you that my behaviour back then was no reflection on you.”
“Tell me about Siobhan,” she asked dully, even though she didn’t actually want to hear the truth.
He sighed. “I suppose if we’re being honest, I might as well tell you. That night in the pub, Lydia wasn’t lying.”
Jenny’s heart plummeted.
“We were still together right up until after the Venice trip. We’d been going out forever but after that, I think she saw through me, realised that I’d been doing the dirt on her in Dublin, that I’d been doing the dirt all along.”
In her heart of hearts, Jenny had known the truth too.
“I’m sorry. Siobhan was supposed to have been away on a work shoot that weekend. So I asked you. Then she heard about the competition and cancelled the shoot to go with me …”
