Karen was crying openly now, tears racing down her cheeks. “To think that I spent all that time trying to delay our wedding, resenting his family and making him miserable. Well, I got what I wanted, didn’t I? Now there’ll be no wedding, they’ll never be a wedding, because I was too damned selfish.”
“Karen, you never made him miserable – you’re being too hard on yourself. It could just as easily have been you or me in that car. Don’t eat yourself up with guilt over this – you’ve enough to deal with now. If you start blaming yourself for what happened, then you might as well have died with him.”
“I wish I had.” She sank back heavily on the pillows and again turned away, wiping her eyes with the quilt cover. “I have nothing now, nothing. Shane was my life, my entire future. Where do I go from here? What do I do?”
Jenny touched her hand. “Honey, maybe the one thing you can do is say goodbye. I’m sure – no, I’mcertainthat Shane wouldn’t want you lying here miserable onyour own. You need people around you to help you through this. You said yourself you didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.”
As she listened to her words of supposed wisdom, Jenny couldn’t be sure whether she believed them herself. She couldn’t even begin to imagine how she would feel if someone she loved was taken from her like this. Maybe Karen was right to shut herself away from all the empty platitudes and tired comforting clichés. Who knew whether going along and facing into all that stuffwasthe right thing to do?
“Hey,” she added softly then, “if you really don’t want to go, then I’ll stay here with you. Don’t argue,” she said, seeing her stir, “I’m not leaving you on your own. I’ll stay for as long as you need me and if you want to talk, then talk, but rest assured no one will force you to do anything you don’t want to, OK?”
Karen nodded, her eyes brimming with fresh tears.
“I just can’t stomach going up there and facing all these people, most of whom I don’t know anyway. And I don’t want to have to face the Quinns either. They hate me enough as it is – don’t tell me otherwise, I heard every word Nellie said last night.”
“Don’t forget that she’s in shock too. He was her son.”
“Still, maybe she was right about a few things. I did give him a hard time, you know that.”
“Karen, you and Shane were two of a kind. You argued more than any other couple I’ve ever known, but it was obvious to all and sundry that you adored one another. I’m sorry but don’t turn yourself into a martyreither. You didn’t force Shane to work late or to do anything he didn’t want to. Anyway, he was coming home early last night, wasn’t he?”
Karen winced and Jenny felt terrible for the painful reminder.
“If the crash had happened on the road to Meath do you think Nellie Quinn would have blamed herself?” she ventured. “Please don’t take to heart what she said yesterday, Karen. She’s upset and grieving, the same as you. She probably has her own regrets. Everyone does.”
51
It was forecast to be the warmest May Day in Ireland for years, with midday temperatures predicted to rise to above twenty degrees in the Midlands. At least according to the radio weather broadcast, but as the taxi driver reiterated to his passenger, Met Office predictions in this country could never be trusted.
“Shower of eejits they are.”
The sun hadn’t begun to burn through the early morning haze that had obstructed Roan’s initial view of his homeland from above the clouds. The pilot had made an excellent landing because to him Dublin Airport was pretty much invisible from the air.
Now, an old road sign told him that Rathrigh was another twenty miles away. It was odd, but strangely comforting that the old black-and-white road signs indicating distance in miles were still prevalent throughout these parts.
Not that he’d travelled on too many roads in theStates, or freeways as they were called. In truth, he had barely ventured out of the city in the time he’d been there.
As thrilling as it had been when he’d caught his first glimpse of the famed Manhattan skyline on the initial journey from JFK, Roan soon discovered that living among other Irish ex-pats in Yonkers wasn’t all that different from being in Dublin.
When he got the text from Aidan about the accident, the news had shaken him. It wasn’t as if he and Shane were particularly close - Roan had never been close to anyone really. But to his surprise, Shane and Aidan had kept in touch after he left. Never a week went by when he didn’t get a chatty text or corny social media post from one or the other.
None of his other so-called friends or ex-housemates had bothered. Roan had assumed they’d all be madly envious of his big-city job, expecting to be bombarded with requests to come and visit him in NYC. He’d been looking forward to showing off a little.
But no visits had ever materialised. In fairness, he wasn’t the best himself for keeping in touch but appreciated the effort from the two lads. At least somebody back home gave a shit about what he was up to.
And now poor old Shane was gone.
Reeling with shock, Roan had called to enquire about the funeral. The very least he could do was go home for a bit and pay his respects. He felt sorry for Karen too. Granted the two of them had never clicked, but it must’ve been very hard to lose him so suddenly.
“Any idea where we go from here, buck?” the driver asked, interrupting Roan’s train of thought. They had stopped at a T-junction and there didn’t appear to be a road sign to Shane’s hometown, or indeed to anywhere. Like himself, the city taximan wasn’t familiar with the back roads and by-roads of County Meath.
“I’m not sure,” Roan shifted in his seat to get a better look out the window. The sun had risen much higher in the sky now. Aidan had told him that the funeral Mass was at eleven.
At this stage, it looked like he was going to be late.
Tessa tookGerry’s hand and squeezed it tightly as the smell of incense filled the church; a signal that it was time to carry the coffin out to the graveyard.
They waited for Shane’s family to exit the pews and then the small group of friends followed the priest, altar boys and other mourners down the aisle and out the door into bright sunlight.
