‘The sensible thing,’ Tommy said. ‘Always the sensible thing. You are sounding like Dad.’
‘Ha!’ Jacques replied. ‘You think Dad going to Hawaii is sensible?’
‘No,’ Tommy agreed. ‘But I think Dad being like he is being now with other women is kinda how he should have been with Mom and then she wouldn’t have left like she did.’
It was a big statement from his brother and an impassioned one too. And now the only sound apart from a little light revelry from Gerard’s bar was the licking of the flames around the hot coals and the slight sizzling of the fish. Tommy sharing his feelings was almost as rare as Jacques sharing his. It wasn’t how the Barbier family did things. Ignorance and quiet was chosen over confrontation and noise.
‘Mom is Mom,’ Jacques finally replied.
‘What does that even mean?’ Tommy asked, swigging from his beer bottle.
‘It means that no matter what anyone did differently it would still not be enough.’ He sighed. ‘She still would have left.’
‘You don’t know that.’
‘I know that you cannot blame Dad for what Mom decided to do.’ He was gritting his teeth now. Because this wasn’t just a conversation about how things had ended with his parents, it was also a conversation about how things had ended with him and Katie.
‘You always take his side,’ Tommy stated.
‘Tommy, don’t do this.’
‘Do what?Talkabout it? Actually get things out into the open?’
‘You want to talk?’ Jacques scoffed and instantly regretted it.
‘Yeah, you know, maybe I do wanna talk. Because we don’t, do we? None of us. And my therapist says that our behaviours are learnt, often subconsciously, from when we are very young.’
‘You’re in therapy?’ This was something else he didn’t know about his brother and something their father had made no mention of.
‘Wow, Jacques, you don’t need to whisper it. It’s not something to be ashamed of.’
‘I know. I just… it’s not…’ He didn’t really know where he was going with the sentence.
‘I find it good,’ Tommy cut in. ‘Having someone to check in with who isn’t gonna treat me like a kid and is actually gonna listen to the things I wanna talk about.’
Jacques didn’t know what to say.Whydidn’t he know what to say?
‘It’s made me look at things differently, you know. See life from an alternate perspective. Realise that I can make my own decisions about howIfeel and think and not rely on someone else to tell me how to be.’
He looked at Tommy now and realised exactly how much he had grown. Not just in stature and build but on the inside too. He did always still think of him as his baby brother, but even baby brothers grew.
‘I think that is a good thing,’ Jacques told him, putting a hand on his shoulder.
‘Iknowit’s a good thing. And that’s why I wanna share how great it makes you feel to be in control of your life like that.’
‘I get it,’ Jacques said. ‘I have a whole room in the house to help me with control and grounding.’
‘Yeah,’ Tommy said, sounding less than convinced. ‘But you leave it all in that room. Let out as far as the four walls and not dealt with.’
‘Is that not what you do in the therapy room?’ Jacques asked.
‘No,’ Tommy said. ‘I only leave the bad stuff in the room and I take away new, clean positive thoughts and feelings. All you take out of yourdojois a renewed focus to keep hiding everything away. A bit like the family photos.’
And now Jacques definitely wanted this conversation to end. He picked up the basting brush from the wall and placed the bristles on the skin of the fish, slicking it with oil.
‘I know Mom hurt you too,’ Tommy continued. ‘And I know Katie hurt you more. But we can only take responsibility for how we react to what life serves us. We can’t make other people act a certain way. And yeah, even if I think Dad made mistakes with Mom, I can’t change it. I can only decide to do better for me.’
Eighteen years old and he was wiser than Jacques had been at that age. Yet, still he couldn’t respond.
