The silence that follows is long enough that I think he's going to pretend he's not there. But then I hear movement and his voice comes through the wood, strained and careful.
"Come in."
I push the door open and step inside. Julian is standing behind his desk with papers spread out in front of him but I can tell he wasn't actually working. He's just been sitting here in the dark with a single lamp on, probably thinking about the same things I've been thinking about for two days.
He looks up when I enter and I watch something flash across his face before he can hide it. Want and fear and frustration all mixed together.
"Nova." My name sounds rough in his mouth. "You shouldn't be here."
"I know."
"It's after hours. If anyone saw you coming to my office this late..." He trails off but I can hear the unspoken worry in his voice.
"No one saw me. Everyone's in their rooms."
He moves around the desk and crosses to the door. For a moment I think he's going to open it and tell me to leave. Instead he locks it. The click of the latch is loud in the quiet office and the air between us feels heavier.
He turns back to face me and we stand there staring at each other across the space between us. The tension is so thick I can barely breathe through it.
"Why are you here?" His voice is quiet but intense.
"Because I can't stay away from you either."
The admission hangs between us. I watch him struggle with it, watch his hands clench into fists at his sides like he's physically restraining himself from reaching for me.
"We can't do this." But even as he says it, he's moving toward me. His body is betraying his words.
"I know."
"If they find out, we both die. The Council doesn't just execute professors who sleep with students. They make examples of them." He's close enough now that I can smell cedar and something underneath that's purely him.
"I know."
"Then why aren't you leaving?" His voice has gone rough and desperate. "Why do you keep coming back here when you know how dangerous this is?"
"Because I don't care anymore." The truth comes out raw and honest. "I don't care about the rules or the Council or what's supposed to happen. I only care about this."
He reaches me then and his hands come up to cup my face with a gentleness that makes my chest ache. His thumbs brush against my cheekbones and I can see the war happening in his eyes between what he wants and what he knows is right.
"I care," he says, and his voice cracks slightly on the words. "I care that this could get you killed. That wanting you could destroy your entire life before it's even started."
"Then stop me." I lean into his touch. "Tell me to leave and mean it."
"I can't." The words sound torn from somewhere deep inside him. "I've tried. I've been trying for days. But I can't make myself tell you to go when every part of me wants you to stay."
The kiss starts gentle, almost careful, like he's still trying to convince himself he can maintain control. His lips are soft against mine, his hands framing my face like I'm something precious. But then I open my mouth under his and the carefulcontrol shatters. The kiss turns desperate and hungry and I can taste the groan that rumbles in his chest.
His hands slide from my face into my hair, using the grip to angle my head exactly where he wants it. The kiss deepens. I can feel his control starting to fray at the edges. My hands find his shirt and I grab fistfuls of the fabric, pulling him closer even though we're already pressed together.
He walks me backward until the backs of my thighs hit his desk and then his hands are on my waist, lifting me onto the surface. Papers scatter to the floor but neither of us cares. He steps between my legs and the new angle lets him kiss me deeper while his hands explore every curve he can reach.
"Tell me to stop," he says against my mouth, but his hands are already sliding under my shirt.
"No."
"Nova..." My name sounds broken when he says it, desperate and raw. "If we do this, there's no going back."
"I don't want to go back." I pull him closer with my legs around his waist. "I want this. I want you."
