The admission hangs between us and I can see how much it cost him to say it. Can see the war happening behind his eyes between what he wants and what he knows is right.
I should leave. Should walk out of this office right now and never come back. Should stop pushing him toward something that could destroy us both.
But I don't move.
"Then maybe you should let go of me," I say quietly.
"I can't." His voice is barely above a whisper. "I've tried. But I can't make myself let go of you."
We stay frozen like that, his hands in my hair and neither of us willing to be the one who breaks this moment. The tension is unbearable and perfect and terrifying all at once.
Finally, with what looks like enormous effort, he forces himself to step back. His hands slide out of my hair and the loss of contact feels like a physical ache. He turns away from me and braces his hands on his desk.
"Leave. Before I change my mind about letting you go." I pick up my bag from where I dropped it and walk to the door. My hand is on the handle when I stop.
"What happens next time I see you?"
"I don't know." He still hasn't turned around. "But we can't keep doing this. We can't keep dancing around this and pretending we can resist it."
"What are you saying?"
Long pause. So long I think he's not going to answer. "I'm saying that next time you're in this office, one of us is going to break. And I don't think it's going to be you."
I leave before I can respond to that. Before I can cross back to him and make the decision for both of us. I close the door behind me and lean against the wall in the corridor, trying to catch my breath.
He's right. We can't keep doing this. The tension between us is building to something that's going to explode and when it does, there won't be any going back.
I just hope we can both survive what happens when we finally stop fighting what we both want.
My whole body still aches from the shift but that's nothing compared to the ache in my chest from walking away from him. From knowing what we both want and knowing we can't have it. From feeling the pull toward him getting stronger every time I see him and having no idea how to make it stop.
I make it back to my dorm without really seeing the path I take. Lily is there studying when I enter and she looks up with concern.
"How did it go?"
"Fine. He just wanted to make sure I was okay after the shift."
It's not exactly a lie but it's not the full truth either. I can't tell her about Julian's hands in my hair or how he looked at me like he wanted to protect me from the entire world. Can't tell her that we're both losing a battle we're supposed to be winning.
I collapse on my bed and stare at the ceiling. My body hurts from the shift. My chest hurts from leaving Julian's office. The broken bond with Nico aches under my ribs like a constant bruise. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I can feel Caspian's claim settling into place like pack magic that I don't fully understand.
Everything has changed in the space of two days. I shifted into something that's supposed to be extinct. I got claimed by an Alpha. And I'm falling for a professor who could be executed just for touching me as he did.
I close my eyes and try to sleep but all I can think about is the look on Julian's face when he said he would protect me, and the certainty in his voice when he promised to find a way even though we both know there might not be one.
Chapter Twenty-One
Two days since Julian's office and I've been avoiding everyone.
Not successfully. Caspian keeps appearing between classes with those Alpha eyes that see too much. Knox watches from shadows I pretend not to notice. Even Nico tried to talk to me yesterday, the broken bond pulling tight with his concern, but I walked away before he could ask questions I don't want to answer.
And Julian acts like I don't exist.
Tonight I find myself walking through dark corridors after dinner when I should be heading back to my dorm. My feet carry me toward his office without conscious decision and I tell myself I'm just walking, just clearing my head, but I know that's a lie.
I see the light under his door and my heart does something complicated in my chest. He's still here, still working when everyone else has gone to their rooms. The smart thing would be to keep walking, to go back to my dorm and forget about the pullI feel toward him, but I've never been good at doing the smart thing.
I knock on the door anyway.
