“Jake,” she said. “I thought…I’m surprised to see you.” She gave me a tentative smile.
Just seeing her was like getting kicked in the chest by a horse. Any notion that I was over her shattered instantly, and I confronted the truth that I’d been hiding from since I woke up this morning. I hadn’t been in a better mood today because I was coming to terms with being without her. My mood was entirely because I’d get to see her. I was going to get to stand by her side, the place I’d imagined myself being in my dreams for the future.
“I hope it’s okay if I’m here,” I said, struggling to control my reaction to her. Showing her how I felt wouldn’t do me any good. “I can go if it makes you uncomfortable.” The last thing I wanted to do was walk out of that exam room, but if that was what she told me to do, I would.
“No, you should be here. I’m glad you are.” She didn’t get a chance to say more before the doctor came in.
“Oh, you got back together,” Dr. Somers exclaimed upon seeing the two of us, which had me wondering how she’d found out that we’d broken up. The only folks who knew were my family. Caitlin had the same obstetrician—maybe she’d said something?Hearing it come from folks I barely knew made it that much more real, and I didn’t like it one bit.
“No, no, we’re just friends,” Julia was quick to say, which was like salt in my open wounds. She must not be feeling what I was, despite the smile she’d given me. “Thanks for setting up these extra ultrasounds. I’ve been worried.”
“We’ll see what things look like today. My ultrasound tech is out, so if you’re okay with it, I’ll be doing the scans,” Dr. Somers said as she flipped on the ultrasound machine. We both nodded in agreement. “You’re past the first trimester, so we’re out of the danger zone. We’ll do additional scans as your pregnancy progresses just to make sure. Ready to get started?”
The doctor squirted gel onto Julia’s stomach and began to move the imaging device around, stopping periodically.
“Is everything okay?” Julia asked a few minutes later. I could hear her nervousness and wanted desperately to reach for her hand, to touch her in some way, but I held back.
“Everything is fine. Let me take a few measurements and then I’ll turn the screen so you can see.” Slow seconds ticked by while we waited until she swiveled the monitor. “Here we go.” She pointed to the screen. “You can clearly see the head and the curve of the spine. One arm is tucked underneath, but I saw it from a different angle. The baby is healthy and right on target.”
I stared at the screen, amazed at the first glimpse of my child. The first one we saw during Julia’s initial prenatal appointment had been nothing more than a dark shadow. Now, I could even see the flutter of a heartbeat. It was a surreal feeling.
I looked at Julia, wanting to share the moment. Her eyes were glued to the monitor, but her face expressed her joy. It was allgood to see, but it hurt, too, because it was a reminder of what I’d lost.
I’d lost her, and the chance to see her and my child every day. The desire to be with them both for the rest of our lives was overwhelming, and I had no idea how I would get past it.
“I’ll print some pictures for you and then send you an email with images and video attached. That way you can share with family and friends.” Dr. Somers tapped buttons on the keyboard and a printer whirred. “I’ll see you at your next appointment.”
A few minutes later, I walked out of the office with Julia. The days were getting cooler, and the nights longer, which was usually my favorite time of the year. I’d hardly noticed since I’d been so caught up in my own misery.
“Would you like to have lunch with me? We could go to Bite and Brew,” she said, zipping up her jacket.
I wanted to, wanted to stay with her for as long as I could, but that wouldn’t help me get over her and that was what I needed to do.
“I’m supposed to go to Brian’s,” I said by way of an excuse, “but thanks.”
“Oh.” She looked surprised at my refusal. “Sure. If anything changes with my appointments, I’ll let you know. Otherwise, you have the schedule.” She walked away toward her truck, leaving me standing in the parking lot, knowing I’d just blown an opportunity.
I needed to talk to somebody, and my brother was my best bet. Someone with a cool head was what I needed. So even though I’d made up the excuse about my brother expecting me, I drove thefew blocks to Brian’s house and was glad to see his vehicle in the driveway with Cal’s truck parked at the curb.
Brian opened the front door before I reached it. “Saw you pull up. What are you doing in town this time of day? Something wrong?”
“No. I met Julia at an ultrasound appointment.” I pulled out the picture the doctor had given me from my pocket and showed it to him.
“Your kid looks just like mine,” Brian said as we walked through to his kitchen. He pulled an ultrasound image from the refrigerator to compare them. Caitlin and Brian’s baby was due about a month before mine and Julia’s.
“Guess so,” I said, looking between the images. Cal came over to look too.
“Still not sure what I’m looking at with these ultrasounds,” Cal muttered, and Brian glared at him.
“Can’t wait to see her.” Brian smoothed his finger over the picture before hanging it back up. “Is yours a girl or boy?”
“Doc didn’t say, and we didn’t ask. Before, Julia and I hadn’t decided whether we wanted to know. And now, we’re…”
“Barely speaking to each other,” Brian supplied.
“Yeah, something like that. It was okay between us today. Polite.” On the surface, it had been. Inside, I’d felt like shit.
“So why the glum face?” Brian asked.
