“Yes,” she agrees gently. “There it is.”
I stare at the floor. “I didn’t plan it. I didn’t go looking for it. It just… happened.”
“That’s usually how it happens,” she says. “Especially when you stop trying so hard.”
I nod. My chest feels strange. Lighter. Heavier. Both.
“When I’m with her,” I continue, “I’m not waiting for something to go wrong. I’m not thinking three steps ahead. I’m just… there. And my body noticed before I did.”
Pee-Pee smiles. “Your body is often quicker than your logic. It doesn’t have the same defences.”
“Rude,” I mutter.
She chuckles. “It’s also honest.”
I lean back, staring at the ceiling. “I keep telling myself she’s my friend. That’s the safe box. No expectations. No risk.”
“And how does that box feel?” she asks.
I think about it. The tightness. The way I’ve been carefully stepping around the edges of something bigger.
“Small,” I admit. “Like I’m folding myself into it.”
She nods. “And when you imagine letting it be more than that?”
My stomach flips. Not dread. Not panic. Something steadier. Grounded.
“Scary,” I say. “But… good scary. The kind where you don’t want to run.”
Pee-Pee’s gaze is warm now. Proud, but not in a patronising way.
“That tells us a lot,” she says. “Your arousal didn’t return because you forced it. It returned because you felt emotionally settled. Because there’s trust. Care. Safety.”
I swallow.
“So this isn’t just about sex,” I say quietly.
“No,” she replies. “It never was.”
I sit with that for a moment.
“I don’t know what to do with it,” I admit. “I don’t want to mess it up.”
“You don’t need to do anything yet,” she says. “Awareness is enough for now. Let yourself feel it without trying to manage it.”
I nod slowly.
“And Geoff,” she adds, her tone softening even further, “wanting more doesn’t mean you’re failing at being cautious. It means you’re ready to be present.”
I breathe out, long and steady.
I don’t remember when my life stopped being simple and started being worth it, but here we are.
I unlock the door and step straight into voices.
Laughter first. Then my mum’s voice, calm and authoritative, saying, “No, no, breatheintoit. You’re not blowing out candles. You’remaking space.”
I stop dead, keys still in my hand.
