She gives me a tight-lipped smile. “Okay, I won’t push you.”
“Have you spoken to Mac?”
“Pfft. Absolutely not. I dumped his ass the second I found out what he and his shithead buddies had planned for you. Speaking of exes, Killian texted me again,” she says, applying a thick layer of mascara.
The mention of his name has my stomach dropping, but it’s not surprising considering he texted me too.
It’s only been a few days since I walked out of his house, but it’s felt like years. He messages me every day to see if I’m okay and everyday he goes unanswered. When I don’t respond he messages Sofia and asks her the same to which she tells him to go fuck himself with a chainsaw and to leave me alone.
I’ve considered blocking his number altogether, but something always stops me. I like that he checks in, I like that he cares, even though every time my phone lights up with his name, a fresh wave of tears crash over me and leave me a snivelling wreck.
“What did he say?” I ask, curiosity getting the better of me.
“Said to say he wishes you a happy new year, even if that means being happier without him.”
I look up to the ceiling, forcing myself not to cry.
I’m not happier without him. I’m miserable and I miss him.
I never thought it possible to miss someone so much it physically cripples me. My body aches, like I’ve gone a round in the ring with Mike Tyson. I’m hardly sleeping, unable to shut off my racing mind that has me seeing almost every hour of the clock throughout the night. It’s a miracle if I get more than a few hours of sleep and when I am able to, it’s restless.
If it wasn’t for Fi keeping me sane by making me laugh and giving me a reason to smile, I’d quite easily lie in bed under the covers all day with the lights off wallowing in self-pity. But she pulls me out of it. She’s there for my highs and she’s always there to pick me up when I’m feeling low.
It felt wrong driving around in Killian’s truck, so the day after I left, I got Fi to follow me to his house to drop it off. She wouldn’t let me push his keys through his door like I was going to, instead she forced me to leave his car on the driveway, put his keys in and envelope, slap a stamp on it and post it in the mail.
Was it petty?Yes. Necessary?Not really. Fun?Definitely. It’s not usually my style but I won’t deny it felt good. He should have received them by now, even with it being the holidays.
Her phone chimes and she gasps. “Shit, my cab’s here.” She jumps up from her seat and grabs her clutch bag. “Pray I find a handsome stranger to kiss at midnight and fuck ‘til sunrise.”
“Wow, you got over Mac fast.”
“What better way to get over a man than to get under a different one?” She shoots me a wink.
“Still got your location turned on?” I ask. I made her put a tracking app on her phone so I’d know she’s safe.
“Yes,Mom!” she jokes with a roll of her eyes. “Love ya!”With a swift kiss to my cheek, she shimmies out the door in a sparkly silver dress that barely covers her ass, leaving me to ring in the new year alone, wishing it was Killian kissing me when the clock strikes midnight.
A loud bang jolts me awake, my heart racing. It’s closely followed by another one. And another.
I reach for my phone and light up the screen.
Midnight.
A whole new year, and yet it feels exactly the same. The only thing that’s changed is the calendar.
The pain is still there. The longing still tugging at my heart when I think of him, wanting nothing more than to be wrapped up in his arms.
Why don’t I hate him?I hate what he did but I can’t bring myself to hatehim.
Does that make me an idiot?
I don’t know why I do it, but I reach for my phone and pull up his number.
I hit send before I can change my mind andhe replies within seconds.
I’d be happier if you were here,I want to write, but I force myself not to. To not give in so easily, no matter how much I miss him.
Another firework cracks through the air and I flinch.
