My head fills with all kind of thoughts that are dangerous to entertain. Quinn in a wedding dress, walking down the aisle as I wait for her to reach me. Quinn and I years from now in the back yard of our home, watching our children playing together on the lawn.
A searing pain shoots straight to my heart, like someone took a knife to it, twisting it so deep that it snaps me back to the present and I lean back against the wall, gripping the door frame tight to keep upright, my mind finally catches up to reality.
Myreality.
Of course, the idea of dating someone other than my wife so soon after losing her was too much to handle, but that dangerous image from only a few moments ago reminded me of why I also fought off the idea of love and happiness since I lost my wife. Why I accepted the fact that after I lost Grace, I’d always be alone.
Because that perfect life can never be mine. That’s another man’s dream, a better man’s destiny. Me, I can never have that, and since the moment Quinn stumbled into my life, I’d forgotten that fact until my mom brought it up.
What have I been thinking?
All this time I’ve spent with Quinn, believing we could be happy, it was Iike I’d buried the truth, tricked myself into believing in wasn’t real, and my selfishness, my stupidity will not only cost me my happiness, but it will ultimately cost me Quinn when she learns the truth.
She won’t want me after she finds out. She’ll leave me and not look back, though I can’t blame her, and when it comes down to it, if it means she can be happy and get everything that life has to offer her, I’ll gladly step aside.
I love her enough to let her go.
“We can’t just bury our heads in the sand, we have to talk about it!” I shout.
“Dwight, please. Not now.” Grace rubs her forehead, pressing her fingers into her temples.
“Just admit it, you’d be much happier without me, happier with a man that can give you what you want.”
She whirls around to face me. “Is that what you want? You want me to leave you and find someone else?”
“I can’t go on thinking that you’re tied to me when all you can think about is what I can’t give you.”
“And I can’t possible imagine my life where we have to go through the same argument every fucking time and get nowhere. I’m tired of it, Dwight. We’ve been over this a million times and you know what? I can’t do it anymore. We have to accept what is. We will never have the life we planned out for us all those years ago, and whether you believe me or not, I’m fine with that, as long as I have you by my side I’ll be happy. I married you because I love you, and nothing, not even this will ever change that.” She sits down on the couch, her elbows on her knees and presses harder on her temples, screwing her eyes shut. “These fucking headaches…”
Another headache?
I kneel down in front of her taking her face in my hands. “Are you okay? Your headaches have been getting worse, maybe we should see a doctor or something?”
“No. I’m tired of doctors and clinics as it is. It’s just a migraine. It’ll pass.”
“There’s got to be a reason why you’re having so many.”
“Yeah, the fighting, the worry, the stress… it’s all just getting too much.”
“I’m sorry.” I press a kiss to her lips. “I’m so sorry. I just want you to be happy, even if that’s not with me.”
“I’m going to go for a lie down.”
“I’ll make you some coffee.”
She smiles weakly as she rises from the couch and heads out of the room, her footsteps echoing up the stairs.
As I’m heading towards the stairs, there’s a crash above me, coming from our bedroom.
“Grace? Are you alright?” I call, to which I get no reply. I make my way upstairs quickly and as I round the corner that leads to our bedroom, the steaming mug of coffee slips through my fingers, and smashes on the floor, scolding liquid staining the carpet and splashing against my jeans.
“Grace? Grace!” I rush to my wife where she’s lying on the floor in the centre of our room, her body twitching and jerking.
Shit. Shit!
Is she having a seizure?
What the fuck do I do?
