“Do you know when I stopped dreaming, Alonzo? I was eight, and my father found my diary. The one that my mother snuck to me in secret when I was just five and told me to keep hidden. It was for me to write my dreams. It was the last thing she ever gave me. I managed to hide it from him, no matter how many times my father searched my room, he never found it. I’m not sure if my mother told him about it, or he just had a suspicion. When he did eventually find it, he thought it was high time I learned that I belonged to him. That I was going to be his weapon and nothing else. He beat me until I could barely breathe, could barely stand. Then, he had four of his buddies have their turns with me.”
I let that sink in, and I see the fury blanket his expression. His grip on my hand tightens painfully, but I don’t pull away.
“He did that to his own daughter?” he hisses, the disgust in his eyes heavy.
“I wasn’t a daughter to him anymore. I was a tool, and one that wasn’t cooperating. One that needed to be broken and put back together in the way he deemed best. The only reason that I didn’t kill myself was because of the other kids in that school. A few of them needed me, needed me to be strong, so I buried it, and I worked hard. I planned and waited, until the moment he married me off. Then, the only thing I allowed myself to dream of was his death. How I would do it. When. What I would do afterward. It’s the only dream I’ve ever allowed myself. Until you.”
He rears back like I’ve slapped him. And maybe I have.
“Until you,” I repeat, forcing the words out again. “I was stupid, thinking that what I wanted, what I could finally have, was within reach. That I could think of something else other than trying to hide the parts of myself I couldn’t show. But that’s all we were, Alonzo. A dream. And now, it’s time for us to wake up and keep moving. That means you need to protect Mila for Ilya and Zakhar, and let me handle my own life and what needs to be done. Then, we need to walk away. Maybe I’ll see you again if I visit Sienna. Well, if she’ll forgive me. You’ll move on, find a nice girl to marry and have some rug rats with, and I’ll live my life the way I need to. That’s our future, Alonzo, and it’s time we both accepted that.”
32
ALONZO
If she was planningto rip my heart out, she’s succeeded. It feels like my chest is shattering, pain slicing at me like a dull blade. She dreamed of being with me? She dreamed of a life that she never allowed herself to want, and what did I do? I stomped on it.
I don’t know how the hell to come back from that. I’ve been so sure, but this might be the first moment it’s really sunk in. That it’s finally making me see the things I’ve been too blind to actually notice.
“Rori, I…” Fuck, what do I say? Sorry seems too pitiful a word.
She sighs, and turns her hands over in mine to grip them. “Alonzo, I’m not saying that to hurt you, and I’m not trying to make you feel bad for me. This is our lot in life. It’s what we need to accept.”
“I don’t want to accept it,” I admit. “And I know that makes me a bastard, but I just…I want you to have everything you couldever want, Rori. I want that for you so much, even more so now that you’ve explained that.”
“Don’t pity me, Alonzo.” Her words are tight, firm. “I’m not looking for that.”
“I don’t pity you, Aurora.” Fuck, far from it. Pity is the last emotion I would ever use to describe how I’m feeling right now. “I…I don’t know what I feel, but it’s not that.” Unable to help myself, I lean forward, bracing my forehead against hers. She doesn’t pull away, but I see the softening around her eyes as I stare into hers. “I’m always going to love you,orsetta,” I whisper. “That will never change. Not because of who you are, what you’ve done, or what you might do. Maybe it’s wrong, and maybe it’s terribly selfish, but I don’t want to let you go. I can’t let you go. I know, deep down in my gut, that you and I, we can be so much more than you can ever imagine. And maybe that means after this is done, we walk away and we just keep moving, but if that’s what I need to do, I’ll do it. As long as I’m with you, that’s all that matters.”
Her eyes close, and the sigh she heaves is heavy. “Alonzo, you’re living in a fantasy land.”
“I’m living in a land that can’t be without you in it.” I ease back, looking down at her, really seeing her for the first time.
My Aurora. The light that has come into my life, but still has ties to the darkness that she may never be able to fully escape from. But who isn’t dark deep inside in this world? No matter what organization you belong to, you get your hands stained and your souls darkened. And I don’t find that I care. I want her as she is.
“I’m probably going to die during this fight, Alonzo. Wishing for a world with me in it isn’t practical.”
The thought nearly stops my heart, and my body practically recoils at the possibility. I want to scream at her, or grab herand shake some sense into her. No, she can’t die. That isn’t a possibility I’m willing to consider. Fuck that.
“I was never going to live a long life, Alonzo. I’ve made my peace with that. Maybe I’ll surprise myself and I won’t die this time, but eventually it will catch up with me.”
The fact she keeps discussing her death like it’s a foregone conclusion pisses me off, but it also guts me even more.
“I’m not going to let you die that easily, Rori,” I finally grit out. I ease away from her, letting go of her hands and lifting mine when she opens her mouth to argue with me. “I’m not going to leave Mila alone and unprotected, but I’m not letting you go in there fighting without me. Just accept it. Maybe I’m not a deadly assassin, but I’m fucking trained for this, and I can handle myself. I also don’t trust Romanov to protect you, and I certainly don’t trust that fucker Belov. You aren’t alone,orsetta, even if you think you have to be.”
She swallows as she stares at me, but I can see her trying to harden her resolve. She wants to tell me off, push me out and keep me far away from her.
“I can’t see the future, but I can be there to change the outcome. That’s all I want, Rori. Then, when this is all over, we’ll revisit you and me. Because, I mean what I say. You and me. That’s it. Even if that means we’re on the run for the rest of our lives.”
“You can’t give up your life, Alonzo. You have family and friends that will never?—”
“They will understand,” I interrupt firmly. “I know you don’t believe me, but Pietro was the one who approved me to come after you. It was my father who asked me if you were the one for me, if I was ready to fight for what I wanted. That they both knew our lives were never going to be easy. Especially if I managed to get you away from the Russians. That they might be after us for that alone, and that might bring war to our doorstep. Theyaccepted that. I accepted that. You may think they hate you, Rori, but they don’t. They understand, and they’ll be behind you, even if you don’t want to believe it.”
Another hard swallow, and her lips tremble slightly before she bites down on them, firming them. “Pretty words, Alonzo, but when push comes to shove, things can be different. Not only that, it won’t always be your father or Pietro running things.”
“You really think that Alessio is going to be any different?” I snort at the ridiculousness of that statement. “Sienna is going to be his wife. She’ll be tying his dick in knots and wrapping him around her finger for the rest of his life, and that means you never have anything to worry about.”
“We both know that that isn’t how these things work. Discussions made behind closed doors without women present. Especially ones that involve the safety of their families.”
