He says nothing else, just drops that bomb on me. I want to scream at him that he’s wrong, he can’t love me. A man who loves you won’t hurt you the way he did. He won’t force you to accept him when he can’t accept you as you are, and then constantly push himself into your life.
So, why does my traitorous heart pound harder and thaw a bit? And why can’t I seem to get the words out that are running through my head I want to scream at him? Why am I lying here in silence and listening to this?
Fuck, I need to get a grip.
“You might not be ready to hear that yet, but it’s true. I was an idiot that couldn’t see what was right in front of his face. You have no idea how many times I found myself staring at you, picturing things I had no right to picture. Or at least, that’s whatI told myself. I reasoned it away, and you and I seemed to like fighting and sniping at each other. Then you pushed and I gave in and…and it was like I couldn’t hide those thoughts anymore. Like you took the walls I built and destroyed them so completely I had nowhere to hide anymore.”
I snort, unable to help myself. “You got laid, Alonzo. We have chemistry, but that doesn’t change anything. It happened. You will never be able to accept me for who I am, Alonzo, and I’m not going to spend the rest of my life trying to prove myself to you. I did that for the majority of my life to people far more dangerous than you. I’m done hiding myself to make you and everyone else feel better and more comfortable.”
I expect him to flinch or try to argue, but he surprises me by murmuring, “You’re right. I have been trying to hold on to a version of you that isn’t completely whole, is it?”
I stiffen. Wait, what? No, it can’t be that easy, can it?
“You know what I realized during our little game in the woods? That you are fucking good at what you do. I barely knew where you were, and I’m fucking good at finding people that hide. It’s my specialty back home. Everyone gives themselves away, but not you. It made me realize just how much you had to care for me, because you never once used that on me. You never tried to kill me when I pissed you off, or when I accused you the way I did.”
“So, you’re accepting me because you worry I might actually sneak up one day and kill you? Get on my good side so you can control me?” This son of a bitch is looking for me to kill him. How dare he!
“Jesus Christ, woman, would you stop?” he huffs, exasperated. “No, that’s not what I mean, and stop trying to put words in my mouth. What I see is someone who is fucking smart, resourceful, and someone who deserves my respect, not my anger and distrust. Everything I’ve said and tried to insinuatebefore, it was wrong. So fucking wrong, and I’m fucking sorry, Aurora.”
Some of my anger recedes, but I still don’t trust this completely. “Let me go.” I flex against his hold on my wrists, and though he does, he doesn’t let me try and wiggle my way free. I glare up at him. “Move.”
“You going to try and stab or shoot me? Again?”
“I only aimed the gun at you, I didn’t actually fire it.”
“We both know you have a knife under your other pillow just in case.” He reaches over, and he pulls out the knife stashed there. He smirks and tosses it to the floor before he allows himself to roll off me.
Like I need a knife or gun to kill him. At this point, I’ll just put a pillow over his face, call Hades over to lay on it, and call it a day. No one will hear him.
“Don’t even think about it,orsetta. We both need more sleep, and I don’t feel like going to bed with more bruises than I already have.” His eyes move to my neck and a slow, smug smile pulls across his lips. “Unless, of course, you want me to add a few more to you. There are a couple spots I couldn’t access last time.”
“Fuck off. I’m not sleeping with you again, Alonzo.” I thrust a frustrated hand through my hair and try not to wince at the short strands.
Damn it, I miss my longer hair.
“Alright, if you insist on having this conversation now, let’s get it all out then. I loved you, Alonzo, and you took my trust, shattered it, and then took my heart and stomped on it for good measure.” He flinches, but he doesn’t look away. “I will not just forgive that. I will not allow myself to be put in that situation again. I can acknowledge that part of the reason it hurt so much was that on some level some of it was true. I hid who I was, no am, and I still, in a small way, worked for the Russians. I wasliving a lie, while trying to be someone I couldn’t be. I allowed myself to dream and want things I’ll never have.”
“Why can’t you have it?” His voice is soft, almost gentle, and I try to harden myself to it.
“Because that isn’t what I get to have, Alonzo. It’s just not. This?” I wave my hand carelessly toward the room around us. “This is my life. This is what I have grown up to be. What I’ve trained to be. That’s not just going to stop because I fell for you. Even if I manage to kill a bunch of the people tying me to this life, it’s not going to disappear. Someone will find out who and what I am, and they are going to either try to take me out, or they are going to want to force me to work for them. And how do you think that’s going to translate to this life you want so badly with me? Do you really think that you’re going to be okay with people coming after me all the time? After your family? The Caruso’s? The children that will eventually all be around?”
My words make him flinch. Yeah, he didn’t think that far ahead, did he?
“My life is never going to be an easy one, Alonzo. And I don’t know that I can stand to put myself on the line for you again. All to watch the resentment, the mistrust, start to spread again.”
“You really think that I’ll do that?”
“Won’t you?” I cock my head slightly. “You seriously want to tell me that Pietro and your father won’t always be mistrusting of me? Maybe not outright, but deep down? When something terrible happens, or the Russians start to get too close or have intel that no one but someone pulling an inside job could give? That them, and you, won’t secretly wonder if it’s me? That I’m pulling some kind of job for someone?”
“I know it won’t be you.” The confidence radiating from him is strong. “Do you know why I know that, Rori? Because that isn’t you. When you dig yourself into something, there is nothing that will pull you away. Like you did for Sienna. Thedanger you put yourself in for her and the others. Because you love them. When you love someone, you will move mountains to make sure they’re safe. You wouldn’t risk them or their families. Just like loving me means you’ll protect me and our family with everything you have. You’d never risk them, risk me.”
Why does he keep bringing up children? And why does the thought of them make me wish for things I can’t have? Is that his goal? Get under my skin until I give in?
“Alonzo, you and I—we are done. The chance is gone, and I don’t think that it would ever have come to anything more than good sex and a broken heart for me either way. I was never going to leave California to move to Sicily.”
“But you wanted to. You dreamed of it, wished for it. You can’t tell me that you didn’t, Rori.” He reaches for my hands again, holding them firm in his grip, his large thumbs brushing over the backs of my hands.
“Dreams are for children, Alonzo. I learned a long time ago.” I need him to understand. I need him to finally be disgusted enough with me to walk away. Maybe get the hell out of this mess completely.
