Joshua’s mouth twists, part anger, part disbelief. “Pretty sure the entire damn town did.”
“I—” I stammer, trying to come up with something to say in my defense.
I’m a lawyer, for crying out loud. I’ve made a career out of being persuasive.
With my own son I’m drawing a blank. Probably because deep down I know I made a mistake.
Regardless, this isn’t a conversation for the front porch.
“Why don’t you come in?”
He steps inside, snow still clinging to his coat. I take it from him, draping it over a nearby couch.
“Did you fly all the way out here just to punch me?” I grab an ice pack from the fridge and press it against the side of my face before returning to the living room. “If you did, I get it. I deserve it. We met in Boston and?—”
He holds up a hand, cutting me off. “I know. Claire told me everything.”
The shame presses heavy on my chest, and I drop my gaze to the floor. “I know it was wrong. I never should have… I just… I’m really sorry.”
“I also didn’t fly all this way out here for an apology. I understand why you didn’t tell me. Why you both kept it quiet.”
I lower the ice pack, tossing it on the coffee table. “Then why?—”
“I came here to tell you what a fucking idiot you are.”
I blink, taken aback by his tone. Up until now, he’s always been even tempered. Calm.
Not now.
“Women like Claire don’t come around often,” he continues, his tone hardening once more. “And you… You just let her go?”
“I didn’t let her go.” My voice rises, defensive. “I realized it went too far. That it would never work.”
“Because of me?”
“I—”
“You’re both adults. At least Claire is,” he snaps, widening his stance. “When I said she told me everything, I meanteverything. How she wanted more. How you refused to give it to her.”
“Because she deserves more than I can give her!” The words roar out of me before I can stop them. My throat burns, my hands trembling as I drag them through my hair. “She deserves so much more than me. That’s how much I care about her. How much I—” My voice cracks, the rest of my statement lodged in my chest.
Joshua tilts his head, his eyes sharp as they study me. “How much you love her?”
The word lands like a boulder in my throat.
Love.
I want to deny it, insist I haven’t known Claire long enough to even think about loving her. I hang my head and sink onto the couch.
“I don’t know if it’s love. I’m not sure if I know what love is anymore. Orhowto love anyone the way she deserves. That’s why I left. I had to.”
Joshua sits beside me, silence stretching between us. The only sounds are the faint hum of the radiator and the muted carols drifting from a neighbor’s speakers.
“She told me about your father,” he says after several protracted moments. “How he made you feel. How he blamed you for your mother’s death.”
I close my eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
He waves it off. “It’s not exactly a heartwarming story. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t want to bring it up. Wouldn’t want to relive it.” He leans forward, his elbows on his knees. “But I’ve also seen firsthand how that shit can stay with you. Take Claire, for instance.”
