“Of course, I’ll forgive you. I just want to know what’s going on.”
“Nothing. I just got spooked, that’s all. I love you, and loving someone like this is scary.” At least I can offer him some of the truth. Even if it’s not the big picture, it’s the frame that holds everything else inside.
“I love you, too.” He sighs, and there’s relief in it.
It’s like he heard what he needed to hear to feel okay. But there is no way I can really make this okay for him when it’s not okay for me.
“Farrah wants to do a double date,” I say, reaching for a change in conversation.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, Errol is coming to town and she wants you two to meet.” I feel my chest cracking from all the pressure of my suppressed words.
There is so much I want to tell him, so much he needs to know to really understand me. But if I do that, then there is no turning back. I’m giving him everything and hoping his hands are big enough to hold it all.
“Well, seeing how me and her are best friends, it makes sense for me to meet her husband,” he says.
“Mhm. Just keep believing that you are that close. See how fast she drops you if we break up.”
“Won’t happen since we’re getting married. We will be doubling all of the time.”
Just like that, his words ease all the tension in my gut. My heart calms down, and I can finally breathe easier.
He believes in us so strongly that maybe there is enough for both of us. Maybe he will keep having me shine so bright that it will sweep away all my demons.
“Come over,” I say.
After that night, I fight to keep us in a good place. I’m not fully here or gone, yet I still try to hold him in my life. Meeting up with Farrah and Errol, I hope our date will bring me back to the place I was before I started to spiral. A place where I didn’t fear a future with him.
Errol and Callahan greet each other like they are long-time friends, and it clicks for me that Farrah has probably talked to both of them about each other. It should hopefully make the entire thing go smoothly.
“I saw the movie you two did together. Hot damn, it was impressive,” Callahan says as we sit down.
“Yeah, well, how could it not be with her talent?” Errol is looking at her like she is the entirety of the universe and he is the first person who gets to explore it. In a way, he discovered her heart and marked his territory, making sure that anyone who comes for it knows it’s his.
“It was also him,” Farrah says, grabbing onto his arm.
I feel so out of place in their presence. A month ago, we would have been able to compete with their affection, but now it’s like I’m sitting next to a stranger and pretending that we belong together.
Callahan, always so chatty, blends into the conversation with ease. He talks about cars with Errol, and has the sense to compliment Farrah’s outfit. I can tell already how well we will all get along.
They want to order wine, but Callhan only drinks beer, and I’m still off alcohol until after my last chemo, so we settle for our own separate drinks and some appetizers.
“I have to say, Callahan, that Ireland is really beautiful. I miss the sights already. I could live there.”
“I’m sure it has nothing to do with your co-star.” Errol grumbles, making Farrah’s eyes light up.
“Bet you forgot she would have to kiss other men when you told her to keep acting,” I say.
Farrah met Errol when she worked on the set of a movie as a costume designer. It was his idea for her to take up the role of the lead actress when the other one dropped out. If it weren’t for that, I don’t think they would be sitting here today.
“It’s definitely a downside of her job.”
“Believe me, I don’t enjoy it. I don’t know how it doesn’t look awkward on screen.”
“Because you’re a fabulous actor,” I say.
“If Monty had to kiss another lad, I’d probably fight him.” Callhan flexes his arms. I roll my eyes.
