“I don’t know what to say. I don’t feel ready to explain my whole past to him, and why I don’t date outside of my race, and I’m not at all in the mood to just have sex. In fact I haven’t been horny since the surgery.” As if I already didn’t feel like myself.
“Do they have you taking hormones?”
“Not yet. Estrogen alone can increase the cancer, but they want to see how I progress before they put me on a whole treatment.”
She nods and pushes her empty plate away from her.
“Who do you like more, him or Charlie?”
I sigh and sit back in my chair.
“At this point, I don’t like Charlie at all. All we have been doing since this started is getting into little arguments. I haven’t told him about Callahan yet because I don’t want to deal with another hissy fit.”
“So break it off.”
“If I break it off this time, we are done forever. I need to give it a little more time to see if he will get his act together.”
“Remember how you said I have shit taste?” Her eyebrows lift up, lips smug.
I point my finger at her, fighting to keep my mouth straight. “Don’t start.”
“All I’m saying is I’m married now.”
“Because of me, I’m the one who helped you go for him.”
“Then listen to me. If Charlie is not showing up for you during the hardest time of your life, then he isn’t going to do it ever. Callahan met you right before you got diagnosed and is still coming through. I just feel like the choice is obvious.”
I flinch at her words, knowing that I’ll have to address them at some point. It’s just that Callahan is better at anticipating my needs and providing me with the support and laughter I’m looking for in this journey. But Charlie knows me better than most people and has been a staple in my life. They are such different things to me, I don’t know if I can compare them.
We finish our meal, and I let her pay. At this point, I don’t have the energy to argue with her about anything money-wise. The only thing saving me right now is my free housing, my savings, and my dad. It’s also why I agree to let her pay for my trip to Ireland to visit her on set. It’s probably the only vacation I will be taking for a while.
“I’m having a get-together tomorrow,” I say when we get to her car. “My dad has a long haul and will be gone for the week so I want the company.”
“I can come stay with you in the meantime.”
“Don’t you have an audition this week?”
“Yes, but that’s a quick two-day trip. Plus, I might not go. I have to leave in four months for filming, and I don’t want to keep booking myself up.”
“Why?”
“Having a relationship where you both are on opposite sides of the world is hard. If both of us stay this busy, then when the hell will we have time to see each other?”
I squeeze her arm.
“I wish I could relate.”
“You will one day, and then you’ll be sorry that you do.”
I lapse into silence, thinking over her words. Should I be pursuing anything with either one of these men if I’m planning on going back to LA? What does my future hold at this point?
Still fighting to find that joy in dancing, the fact that I can’t do it on the stage at all feels like a relief. There is no expectation on my movements, so if I do put on music, it’s just for me. Maybe that’s what will help me get back to it. Just dancing for myself.
In the meantime, I have to question every decision I make. While this won’t be the end of me, my dad is right. This is a wake-up call, and I need to answer it. I need to start making big decisions, including who I might want to spend the rest of my life with. If these were my last few months, would I have rather spent it with Charlie or Callahan, or is this a sign that I should be on my own? I need to figure out what to do.
I don’t know which man to invite to my get-together, so I invite neither of them. I make it a girls’ night instead and ask Farrah, Rowan,and her new friend, Sahara, to come. A few other girls I know from living here before say they might make it, but I’ll be happy if it’s just the four of us.
Farrah shows up first and, of course, helps me get everything together. No longer sore from the surgery, at this point I’m milking the extra help. Next is Rowan, and last is Sahara. Those other people I invited don’t show up. They all have kids and futures now. Ones that I can’t currently relate to.
