“I know that! And she’s going to stay with him because he finally agreed to a surrogate. I just wanted to taste her lips once. I just wanted one last moment with her.” She wipes away the tear that streaks down her face, then she pulls free and goes into the house.
I sit for a moment, taking the whole night in. If only love weren’t this complicated. If only I weren’t so damaged. Sahara and I both owe the people we love so much, but I don’t know how either one of us is going to give it to them.
I can’t get myself to go back inside, so I sit wrapped in the blanket that Rowan abandoned, taking in the sky. It’s not until there is more orange than black that I feel my heart calm back down. Still, I know if I pressed a hand on his and my chest, it would be the same beat. A beat that says how much we are meant to be together.
Chapter 30
Ican’tsleeponthe couch and expect not to be woken up once everyone comes down, so I slide under the covers with Callahan. He is fast asleep by the tell of his snores and doesn’t stir at the shift in the bed. I want to curl into his arms like I did last night, but that feels cruel, so instead I just slide to the edge of the bed and curl in on myself.
When I wake up, he is already gone, and it’s well into the afternoon. I can hear people laughing downstairs. Seeing the date on my smartwatch makes it click that this is our last day here. We leave tomorrow.
After a quick shower and some pep talk, I walk in to see everyone in the kitchen but Sahara.
“Hey, Michael was just saying they are going to leave early, so we thought we would all get lunch before dropping them at the airport,” Charlie says, walking up to me.
Callahan is staring hard into his coffee cup with Rowan at his side. I don’t know if she is mad at this news or my presence. Errol looks like he is dying, slouched against a counter.
“Sounds good to me,” I say.
I want to walk over to Callahan and give him a kiss, but instead, I go to stand next to Farrah. She is talking, but I can’t hear her past my beating heart. It jolts with every sigh that Callahan makes, and picks up speed every time it looks like he is about to glance my way. I’m staring at him so hard I know he feels my eyes on the side of his face. But he doesn’t look. Not even when he walks by me to put his cup in the sink.
He just keeps his eyes down and leaves the room. After that, most of us disperse to get ready, but Farrah and I are just sitting there in silence. I feel her looking at me. It takes a moment for me to work up the courage to meet her eyes.
“You want to talk about it?” she asks.
“I think the person I have to talk to is him.”
“What are you going to say?”
“That’s the problem. I don’t know.”
“Maybe I was wrong to say you shouldn’t break up with him. Maybe you aren’t ready.”
My heart squeezes at her words, hurt thrumming through every vein in my body. I don’t need her on top of Charlie telling me that I’m not the type of person who can love him the way he deserves.
“Thanks, friend,” I say, pushing off the counter to walk away.
She grabs my arm, stopping me.
“Monty, I want you to have this. I want you to keep feeling this type of love, but I don’t want you to do something you regret. I thought that would be breaking up with him, but now I’m worried it might be hurting him.”
I flinch because I know that is exactly what I’m doing, and I hate myself for that.
People start coming back and heading out to the vans. I step away from her and call out to Callahan.
“Can we stay here and talk?” I ask.
He looks me over, his mouth pulling down. Clenching his fists, he takes a step towards me and then stops.
“Rowan needs me to come, but after?” His shoulders are slumped.
I don’t know if it’s in relief or defeat, but it’s because of me that he isn’t standing as tall.
“Okay.”
Hungover and battling our own emotions, the car is quiet. Rowan practically ran to the one without Sahara, so it’s me, her, Callahan, and Charlie. As if things couldn’t be more awkward.
“So, it’s cloudy,” Charlie says, trying to break the tension. We all stare at him until he just turns and looks out the window. Then the rest of the ride, I watch while Callahan and Rowan hold hands.
