“No,” he said. “I think he’ll try less direct routes before he actually takes matters to that level.” He ran a hand through his hair. “And perhaps he never would. Perhaps I’m only judging him too harshly.”
“You don’t believe that, though.” She held his gaze. “Do you, Alexander?”
“No.” He sighed. “But you likely have a little time to consider what may come. To make a path of your own choosing rather than be forced onto his. Your brothers-in-law, they would help you, wouldn’t they?”
“They are the best of men,” she said, and now she turned away. “I’ll speak to them about it if I feel I must.” She let out a ragged breath. “Bollocks.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, and wished he could move forward. Take her hand. Even hold her so she didn’t feel so alone, and also so he didn’t. But he didn’t move.
She looked over her shoulder at him. “You say you’ve walked away from him. That must come at a great cost. Is part of the reason you came here so that you could hold that over my head for…for whatever it is you want?”
He recoiled. In her world, this was the way of men. Why should he be seen as any different? And yet he wished she could. “I don’t want anything but to offer you the chance to protect yourself. And to tell you how sorry I am, truly and deeply, for any part I willingly or unwillingly played in what happened in the countryside.”
She paced past him, back to the window but this time she wasn’t watching anything in particular. He could see thedistance to her stare, the lost quality of it. Since it wasn’t his place to comfort her, he stayed where he was and simply waited.
“You know, I have spent a great many years trying to cultivate choices in my life,” she said at last, though she never looked at him. “To leverage what others wanted in the hopes it would one day provide me with power, independence. And yet here I am, destroyed by a man. How easy it was to cut me down the moment I showed any weakness or desperation.”
He now did allow himself that step closer, once again longing to take her hand or somehow shore her up for what would come. “What can I do?”
That made her turn. “Do? You wish to do something beyond this…honestly very kind warning?”
“I told you I won’t help him,” he repeated.
She folded her arms. “I don’t know if I can believe you, not really. And yet what choice do I have now?”
“I’m at your service,” he said.
Her gaze flickered over him, brief but heated. Then her expression went emotionless again, the quick burst of desire gone. “It seems I may have a little time before things become dire. So…so if you truly don’t mean to assist him, then yes, I think I could find a way for you to help me.”
When Julia asked those words, she watched Alexander’s lips part in surprise. In some way it matched her own, for she had never again intended to see this man who haunted her dreams, let alone invite him into something so delicate and perhaps even dangerous. To give him any trust was pure folly, and yet she did it with a few little words.
He didn’t turn away, but closed his mouth, straightened his shoulders and said, “How do you think I can? I’ve little means and no power, especially against them. Not yet, at least.”
She shook her head. “Neither of us has that, then. But what I want is not aboutthem. I am well-aware of the places this path will take me. If the Earl of Heathfield wishes to make me disappear—” She broke off with a short breath. Saying that out loud invoked a terror she hadn’t felt since the death of her father. He had been the last man who she’d known full-well was capable of violence. And here she was again. She forced calm and continued, “If he wants me gone, then that is exactly what will happen, one way or another. Whatever happens, it will close a door for me, probably very swiftly.”
“You’re so calm about that fact,” Alexander said.
She laughed. “Am I on the outside? Well, that’s good. I’m hiding my pure unadulterated terror well then. I’ve been trained by the best.” She sighed, the mask slipping a little. “In truth this may be for the best. I’ve wanted to walk away from the life of a courtesan for years. Whatever you thought of me, however you judge me, all I wanted from the union with the viscount was some kind of safety. I wanted it so much, I ignored every hint of what was to come and every warning from those who wished to protect me.”
“Your family, you mean.” He looked toward the door where her sisters had departed. “They’ll help you, I know it. Why wait to tell them what’s going on?”
She pursed her lips. What he was asking was larger than a simple answer. It was a lifetime of pain and duty and sacrifice that flashed before her eyes in one quick memory. She shook her head. “My sisters have given up everything to take care of me and solve my problems. And if I call, they’ll come racing, even to their own detriment. I will become, yet again, the helpless baby sister. I’d like to be more than that. I’d like a chance to solve thismyself, or at least have a better handle on my own path before I ask them to intervene.”
“I…suppose I could understand that,” he said. “Though they might not.”
She laughed. “You already know them well, it seems. They don’t understand sometimes that there is a very big difference between them taking care of me in small ways and me being forced to live on their graces. I would become a drain to them, a duty passed from my sisters to their children and even grandchildren if I’m lucky to live so many years. If I don’t have to create that legacy, I would very much like to avoid it for all our sakes. I want to be like our aunt Caroline, invited because she’s adored, not because she has nowhere else to be.”
“I’m sure you would be, no matter what the circumstances. You could only bring light to everyone around you.”
She tilted her head at that surprisingly intense defense of her. “That attitude would have been much more welcome last week, Alexander.”
She meant it as a gentle chide, but his crestfallen expression showed he took it much more to heart. “I deserve that. What is it you think I can do to further the position you’re describing? I’ve nothing to give you, or I would.”
“You do have something to give,” she said. For a moment they both froze and their eyes met and she saw she had accidentally made a double entendre about that one night together. She shifted and broke her gaze away. “I mean that you are invested with Grayson Danvers. We’ve talked of it before. How well do you know him?”
“I am,” he said slowly. “And I’m on good terms with him. I think he’s the kind of man very few know well, perhaps just his wife.”
“You emphasized the wordwifethere,” she said, and tried not to let that sting. “I assure you I’ve no plans to try to landMr. Danvers as a lover. His adoration for Mrs. Danvers is very public. I ask you about him because I wonder if he would be open to taking investments from a woman.”
