“Beatrice is well. She loves napping on my bed during the day and curled up against my shoulder at night. She’s the sweetest little thing. I think I’m madly in love.”
“I love human names for pets. Beatrice is perfect. And what does Lord Castleton think about your new companion?” As Caroline asked the question, they made their way through the house and out a back door that led to the garden.
Julia slowed a little, the troubles that had plagued her back with such a simple inquiry. “He…well…”
Her aunt stopped in her tracks and pivoted to face her. “You haven’t told the viscount yet?”
“No,” Julia admitted.
Caroline’s expression drew troubled. “Do the maids not say anything?”
“When they come to tidy the room, my maid Elsie takes her so they won’t find her and returns her when they’re finished. It’s the only time servants of his enter the chamber. Elsie lights my fires at night and turns down my bed.” Julia shifted at her aunt’s expression. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. It’s the tiniest omission.”
“You’re right. It’s not such a momentous thing. What troubles me is that you think you must withhold your desire for a pet from this man for fear of…what? Do you think he would hurt you, or hurt Beatrice?”
Julia shook her head. “Oh, no, I don’t think he would do that. More that he’d be irritated at the idea or perhaps refuse to allow me to keep her.”
“You think he’d deny you such a small pleasure?” Caroline pressed, and took her arm as they stepped back out into the garden and began to make their way along the paths.
“I don’t know,” she admitted, and then heard the words in her own voice. “I honestly don’t know, Aunt Caroline.”
Caroline was quiet for a few steps, though she held Julia’s arm a little more tightly. At last, she drew a long breath. “Sometimes I see the happiness of your sisters and it is a little overwhelming. It’s so powerful to see them so loved and so loving. And a little…well, it sparks some sense of longing, doesn’t it?”
Julia glanced at her. There was a slightly forlorn expression on her aunt’s face. One she knew had been on her owncountenance more than a few times in the last year as she watched her sisters enter happy marriages.
“Yes, I suppose it does,” she agreed.
“It’s easy to make mistakes when one is in that state,” Caroline continued. “To want happiness so much that you would be willing to sacrifice anything to get even a sliver of it. One might even mistake other emotions for that happiness. Or pretend it existed where it didn’t.”
Julia stared out at the garden instead of looking at her aunt. “You’re talking about this engagement.”
“You don’t love him. I don’t get the sense he loves you,” Caroline said, much more gently. “That could still lead to a very happy union. I know many people who aren’t in love with their husbands, but there is friendship and respect between them. A true desire to see each other content. Butyou’reafraid to tell this man about a kitten.”
There was a bench in the middle of the garden and Julia released her aunt’s arm and made her way to sit on it. She looked around. “There are no flowers in this garden, are there? It’s only bushes and trees. Green but no other color.”
Caroline didn’t say anything about that observation. It was one Julia had noticed many times in the garden but now the lack of flowers felt heavy. Caroline sat beside her and Julia felt the sting of tears but she blinked them away.
“Everything was just so rushed between us,” she whispered. “I let it be rushed. And I still think we could come to an accord. We used to be more connected.”
“What changed?”
Julia glanced at her. “You might not love hearing that answer.”
“Tell me,” Caroline insisted and took both her hands.
“When we became engaged, I told him that I wanted to begin behaving like a proper lady would. That meant no more nightstogether until the wedding was over. He agreed, though he made clear his frustration with the idea. But now that there’s no…no sex, it seems like we’re more disconnected.”
The flame of humiliation rushed to her cheeks. She had made a life out of seducing protectors and centering pleasure over all else. But now that they were talking about a lifetime with a man, the idea that all that truly bound her to him was what was between her legs felt cheaper and sadder.
“I want so much more for you than this,” Caroline said softly, and brushed a lock of hair from her forehead. “I want what I see in your sisters. I want to watch you laugh with a man you love. I want to see him track you across a room while you’re not looking like you are the most precious thing in the world to him. I want you to be worshipped—yes, in your bed, but also in your life. I want you to have that love.”
Julia let out a shaky breath. “Oh, now you sound like Alexander Castleton.”
Her aunt’s brow furrowed. “Mr. Castleton was speaking to you about love?”
Julia couldn’t answer because now that her aunt had that look on her face, she realized how inappropriate it seemed. And it was, after all. Everything about the night they’d discussed love was inappropriate.
“Is there…is there something between you?” Caroline pressed.
