Calli tilts her head and asks softly, “Did something happen with Lee?”
God, there’s a long story that I can’t even tell her half of. I get to the heart of it. “I’m too attached.” My voice cracks, and Calli reaches for my hand.
“I could see that on Thanksgiving. But the way Lee looked at you, I thought maybe he was too.”
“No. He’s…” What is he? Too damaged and traumatized to love again? Too focused on the things he’s lost? Too overwhelmed by guilt for things that weren’t his fault? “He doesn’t want that.”
“I’m sorry,” Calli says.
“It’s okay. You tried to warn me.” I wipe away a tear that leaks out.
“Are you in love with him?”
I nod and take a deep breath. “At least, it sure fucking feels like it. I wasn’t this torn up when I caught Kyle cheating. Maybe because I was too angry to be heartbroken, and I can’t be mad at Lee. He’s done so much for me, and he told me from the beginning that he’d never want anything more than a friend with benefits arrangement. It isn’t his fault. But it’s been so much, grieving for mom, the house fire, and fighting for the diner.”
Not to mention almost being drowned and Lee killing the man responsible. “Maybe it isn’t love, you know? Maybe I’mjust overwhelmed and not dealing with it well now that it’s all over.” Even as I say it, it feels like wishful thinking. I was happy until Lee stopped me from saying those words.
“Some time away and distance is a good idea to help you sort out what you’re feeling,” she agrees.
“Either way, I’ll be alright.”
Calli gives me a sad smile. “You absolutely will. But you aren’t going to a hotel. Arlow’s family is leaving the day after Christmas. You’re staying here.”
“No, you’ve had company for two months. I’m sure you want to be alone with Arlow. I’m not moving in right after they leave.” When she opens her mouth to object, I add, “And I think I need some time alone to figure things out too.”
“Then stay in the cabin here. You said it wouldn’t be for long. Then we can hang out when we want to, but you’ll still have space. I’d love to have you here. We’ve barely seen each other for the past couple months.”
I pull her into a hug. “Okay. Don’t go to any trouble with the cabin.”
“Go see your brothers. Get through the holiday and things will seem better. Then we’ll get trashed on New Year’s Eve.”
“That sounds good,” I laugh, getting to my feet. “Thanks girl. I’m going to go. I have a long drive ahead of me.” After a moment, I add, “Maybe Arlow could check in on Lee? Lacey’s gone through Christmas, and I know he’s hurting too.”
“I’m sure he is,” Calli replies, her voice full of sympathy. “We’ll check on him.”
When I return to my truck, I put on one of my favoriteplaylists, turn the music up loud, and head for the highway. It doesn’t start to snow until I’m about an hour away and I welcome the distraction. I take my time as it coats the streets, making everything look bright and clean, and my mood improves as I look forward to seeing my brothers.
As soon as Sean throws open his front door and shouts “Shiny!” and they both pounce on me, I know I made the right decision.
CHAPTER 24
LEE
It tookevery bit of my strength not to ask her to stay. I watch her drive away and listen to her truck motor fade in the distance.
I hurt her.
I hurt her and that’s the last thing I wanted to do. My feet feel heavy as I cross the porch and let myself inside.
The first thing I see when I enter is a large bag sitting on the table with a bright red ribbon tied around it. She left me a gift. I can’t bring myself to look at it yet. Instead, I grab a bottle of whiskey, pour a glass, and take a large swallow. The burn spreads through my chest, drawing a sharp line through me. It doesn’t numb anything, not that I really expected it to.
Silver moving out is for the best, I tell myself. It was always going to be a temporary situation until she could get her own place again. She’s safe. There’s no reason for me to keep her close anymore, other than the emptiness thatsurrounds me without her nearby, and that’s not fair. She deserves more. She deserves someone who can love her without restraint or guilt. She deserves to be happy.
I finish my drink and pour another. I knew from the moment I saw the blood in that car that I’d never allow myself to be with anyone again. Never replace the woman who paid a price that wasn’t hers to pay. For so long that decision didn’t matter because I knew I couldn’t love anyone again. That part of me had died with her. It didn’t feel like any sort of sacrifice to be alone, but now, it settles as bitter in my stomach as the whiskey.
I died for loving you. Isla’s words from the nightmare play in my head.Are you happy?No, I’m not and I don’t deserve to be, not while she’s rotting in some unmarked grave.
Silver was smart to leave. The best thing she can do is forget about me and move on. My feet carry me to the guest room as if by habit instead of conscious choice. It smells like her. Her shampoo and lotion. She’s taken all of her things, leaving the room looking forlorn. A lone hair tie lays curled up and forgotten in the corner of the bathroom sink. Without thought, I pick it up and take it with me as I wander out to the living room.
