It’s everything I can do not to burst into tears. “It’s okay. You told me from the beginning you didn’t want more. I should’ve listened.” When he reaches for me again, I step back, shaking my head. “I can’t keep doing this. I’ll move my stuff back to the guest room and start looking for an apartment.”
“You don’t have to?—”
“I do.”
He takes a deep breath and nods. I put my wine glass in the sink then walk back and gather my clothes to take a shower. I need to be alone before the tears start because I know I can’t stop them. The sound of his truck starting tells me he’s left again as I step under the spray.
All this time we’ve spent together, all the breakfasts and dinners, all those nights cuddled on the couch and holding one another in his bed. I let myself think that it meant the same to him that it did to me. I shouldn’t have said anythingwhen he’s recently lost Isla again, or the chance of finding her body. I didn’t plan to say it, but it can’t be undone now.
I let myself cry for both of us because I know he isn’t happy either.
He hasn’t returned by the time I’ve dressed, moved my things from his bedroom, and climbed into the guest room bed. I’m going to have to figure out my plan for the next few months, but for now, I just want to sleep. I’m suddenly exhausted.
I’m not sure how long I lie there, my body feeling heavy and worn. As I doze off, all I can think about is him picking me up and carrying me. To a graveyard shed, through a fire, from his couch to his bed, from a tub of water.
He’s carried me in so many ways through the worst time of my life.
I can’t go on like this. The last few days have been torture. I’ve stayed at work as much as possible and Lee is barely around at home. When he is, our forced smiles are almost as bad as the long stretches of silence. Neither of us seems to know how to navigate this. It’s so hard to miss someone who’s in the next room.
Yesterday, I found myself dreading going home and I knew I couldn’t keep doing this to both of us. I arranged for Camille to oversee things at Lucky’s for a few days until we close for the break. My brothers were thrilled to hear I’d becoming for Christmas a couple of days early, and Calli said she’d be happy to keep Goblin for me.
My truck is all packed up, and I’ve left Lee’s gift on the kitchen table. As soon as I hear his truck pull into the driveway, I scoop up Goblin, head outside, and put her in my passenger seat.
Lee waits for me when I close the door. “I wasn’t going to leave without saying goodbye,” I tell him.
“You don’t have to go anywhere.” The pain in his voice shreds me.
“It’s too hard,” I confess. “I need to get my feelings under control. I’m going to my brothers’ house for a bit, and I’ll find a place when I get back. I’ve got my money straight. I’ll be okay.” Despite him not loving me, I know he’s still worried about me.
He brushes my hair out of my face and looks into my eyes for a long second. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m not angry. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. You saved my life. You helped me more than anyone ever has.” I lay my hand on his chest. “You’re the best man I’ve ever known, and I hope you find a way to be happy. You deserve it.” My voice cracks, and I know I need to go before I end up sobbing. I force a smile. “It’s not like we won’t see each other again. We’ll be friends. I just need some space first.”
He pulls me into his arms and holds me so tightly it feels like we might shatter and blow away in the bitterly cold wind. His voice comes out rough when he lets me go. “Becareful. It’s supposed to snow tonight. Will you text and let me know you made it safely?”
I wonder if he understands that there’s love in that? There’s been love in so many of the things he’s done for me. “I will.”
My heart sits heavily in my chest as I climb into my truck. I glance in my rearview mirror as I pull away and see him watching me from the porch.
When I stop to drop Goblin off at Calli’s, along with the gifts I have for them, Arlow scoops her out of my arms as soon as I enter.
“Hey, look who’s back. I have those treats you like,” he says, and my cat gives him an affectionate forehead bump.
“I will be coming back for her!” I call, laughing as he carries her away.
Calli leans in to whisper. “I’m getting him a kitten for Christmas. It’s all arranged. I have to pick it up at the shelter on Christmas Eve.”
“He’s going to love that.”
Maybe it’s my tone or the expression on my face, but she knows something’s up. “Let’s go to my room so we can talk.” She closes the door behind us, shutting out the noise of the house, and sighs. “I love Arlow’s family, but I’m looking forward to peace and quiet again.”
“Thank goodness for birth control and vasectomies.”
“Absolutely,” she agrees with a chuckle.
We sit on the edge of her bed. “What’s wrong? Is Grady not holding up his end of the agreement? Are they messing with you again?”
“No, everything’s good there.” I’m not sure how to start. “I’m not going to stay at Lee’s anymore. When I get back from Peoria, I’m going to get a hotel room until I can find an apartment. It shouldn’t be for long.”
