I felt a little sick. I couldn’t just saynoafter all this, but—I was still spiraling after everything with Drew yesterday. It wasfine,I kept telling myself—just Drew complaining and that it wasn’t the end of the world, I didn’t need everyone to like me, I could be a part of the community and I’d be able to do some good and give back and make up for everything everyone had done forme—but I still felt like I had a toxic lump in my stomach. I forced a smile. “Are you sure?” I said, and she scoffed.
“Have I been subtle? I’m not just being nice. That’s not in my vocabulary.”
“Well, I disagree, but—” I sucked in a sharp breath. “Thank you. I’d love that. When can I meet with her?”
“I’ll give you her number,” she said. “You can text her. She’ll like the initiative.”
She was halfway through getting her phone out when the glass doors slid open at the store entrance behind us, and my stomach sank at the sight of Charlie closing her umbrella, drying her shoes on the entrance mat, and coming towards us. Linda followed my gaze and stopped, her phone paused in midair, as Charlie came around the corner and stopped in front of the two of us.
“Alyssa, dear, good to see you,” she said, with a smile that turned my stomach with how genuinely polite it looked. If she put on that much of an act while she was saying God-knows-what to Drew behind my back, who else was complaining about me in secret? “I sent Linda to get groceries, and instead she’s gossiping with friends over the produce.”
Linda fussed with her fingernails in a way I’d realized was a grounding ritual when she was feeling insecure. “Sorry. I didn’t think it was already—”
Charlie waved her off. “The class got out early,” she said, and she spoke conspiratorially to me. “Pilates. The instructor waited until halfway through the class to admit he was sick, so I look forward to coming down with a completely avoidable infection. I’m not infectious yet, but I’m probably lying to you based on how everybody else is, too.”
I forced a nervous laugh. What should have been a perfectly pleasant conversation was heavy with unspoken tension, and all of it was one-sided, because I doubted Drew had told her howI knew about their conversations. “Well, at least it’s not too hands-on an activity.”
“Thank god he’s too gay to come within ten feet of a woman’s body, but even so, if I get sick, I’m not going to be happy.” She put a hand on Linda’s shoulder. “I thought I’d drop in and join you for shopping, unless I’m interrupting something. What are we talking about?”
Oh, Jesus. I couldn’t tell her of all people. Although, would Linda have already mentioned it to her? It didn’t matter, though, clearly, because Linda didn’t have my reservations and spoke freely. “Just passing along Susanne’s contact so she can meet up with Alyssa and talk about a new job opening at the college.”
Charlie raised her eyebrows at me. “You’re planning to work at the college, then?”
“I’ve been… thinking about it,” I said, my throat tight. Linda shrugged.
“It’s outreach. Alyssa clearly loves reaching out.”
Charlie laughed. “Clearly,” she said, but I doubted it was a compliment from her. All of myreaching outwas probably what she’d been complaining about. “I’d thought you were looking at work back in Boston,” she said, and I shrugged, trying to play it casual. I don’t think it came off casual.
“Oh, you know… I’ve just been open to all kinds of things. But I got to meet Linda’s manager one time, and she was really lovely, so… you know…”
Charlie smiled. “Well, lucky for us,” she said. “I know a few people who will be happy to have you stick around longer.”
And a few people who wouldn’t. She didn’t have to spell it out. “Yeah,” I managed. “Well, I’m very lucky for how much people have supported me.”
She laughed lightly, putting a hand on Linda’s arm. “Well then, I suppose I’ll let you get back to gossip with yourfuture coworker,” she said, putting just the slightest emphasis on thewords, and I really had no reason to feel it like a jab in the chest like I did. Linda was subdued for the rest of the conversation, giving me Susanne’s number and telling me again to reach out and check in with her, and I went numbly about the rest of the grocery pickup, grabbing the sourdough and a bar of the chocolate Daniela liked, and I went out to the car picturing vividly what it would be like to stick around in Paxton Ridge if I got everyone to hate me along the way.
And life had a way of kicking you while you were down, because in the time it took to drive back to Daniela’s, I got a text that only sent me further into the spiral. Sawyer’s name at the top. I didn’t even open it, just seeing the preview, something guilt-tripping about the lease and renewing it without my name on it.
Jesus, my emotional regulation was zero. I turned off my phone and dropped it in the passenger seat, my hand over my face, sucking in a long, shaky breath. “You’re okay,” I said to myself, my voice thin and empty in the car around me. “You’re fine. Okay, Alyssa? You’re good. You’re a grown woman. You’ve gone through worse. You can do this.”
I didn’t believe myself. But whatever. I opened the car door, gathered the groceries and my phone, and I stepped out. I would read the stupid message later. And I’d spiral about it in the meantime.
I raced through the rain up to the front door, where I took a few tries to get the key in the lock and push it open. The house was quieter than usual—Daniela liked to keep some music playing, and she was usually cooking or watching something on big living room TV if she was home on a weekend, but this time it was silent, and I’d kind of been counting on the music to blot out the angry thoughts in my head. “Daniela?” I called, and I heard her voice from upstairs.
“Hey. Did you get the stuff?”
“Yeah.” I took off my shoes, grocery bag balanced in one arm.
“You can drop it in the kitchen, I’ll be there in one sec.”
She was—came in behind me while I was putting the bag down in the kitchen, and I turned back to where she walked into the room looking exhausted, rings under her eyes and her hair messy. “Hey,” I said. “Is everything okay?”
She pushed her glasses up, rubbing her eyes. “Ugh. I got an urgent work request while I was out last night, and I got back and panic-crunched until two in the morning, and I’ve been up since six getting it done. It’s settled now. But I feel like I got dragged behind a truck.”
I should have come back here last night… could have been here and made her dinner, took care of breakfast this morning. Instead, I’d been off having sex with Jade. “Do you want me to make food today?” I said, and she shook her head.
“I’m all good. I’m a genius in the kitchen. I can cook while I’m asleep.”
