“Alyssa, for fuck’s sake,” I gasped, and she looked up at me with wide eyes, pulled out of a reverie. “Why are youdoingthis?”
“I just—” She pulled her hand away, her face red. “I just thought you would be good together, and I heard all about how inseparable you two always were, and I wanted Daniela to behappy—I mean, Jesus, obviously, I want you to be happy, too, I’m not saying you should do it just for Daniela’s sake—”
“Alyssa—”
“Do you want me to go? I’m so sorry. I’m running my mouth again.”
“No—don’t you dare go,” I blurted. “You cannot keep doing this. You can’t keep flirting with Abby like this and telling me to go hook up with Daniela while you’re… you’re…” I raked my hand back through my hair, groaning. “You know how I feel. Let’s not drag it out and make me feel stupid.”
She stared at me for a long time before, quietly, she said, “How you… feel?”
“What, are you serious?” I dropped my hands by my side. “For Christ’s sake, I thought all the touchy-feely… flirting… whatever you were doing with Abby was because you knew and you were trying to push me away. I—” I didn’t know how the hell to put it into words. My face felt hot, and I moved my hands in what I think were normal, natural gestures. “I think you’re… I mean, I’m really attracted to you.” Great. That didn’t sound like an alien said it on their first day on earth. Alyssa looked at me incredulously, lips parted.
“You… really?”
“Jesus Christ, woman, what did you think the kiss was about?” I looked away, suddenly awkward in every part of my body.
“Honestly, I’ve been trying to figure it out and I am… not… sure.”
I cleared my throat. “Do you do that with a lot of people you feel neutrally about?”
“I didn’t know if… I don’t know,” she said, and I could hear in her voice even without looking at her how hunched up she was. “I thought maybe you were just… pent-up and… I don’t know.”
“You thought I was horny and just went for a quick fuck against the wall with a random person who was conveniently close by.”
“Well, Jesus, I don’t mean it like that, just—I thought maybe it was just physical. You didn’t even let me…”
I groaned, standing up, my hand over my face. “It’s—I didn’t want to—”
“You don’t need to justify it, I just didn’t think—”
“I don’t want to fall for you,” I blurted, my heart racing. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, not when I was thinking like this, not when I couldn’t turn her way without wanting to kiss her again. “You know it doesn’t make sense. For a million reasons. But just—for fuck’s sake, Alyssa, you just wander in and uproot my whole life, you see me when nobody else does, you make me feel safe enough to share things I can’t with anybody else, you listen to me and give me space when I’m my worst, and you just keepsmilingand laughing through everything like it’s such a gift for you to be here, of course I’m going to start feeling like that too. Like it is a fucking miracle that you’re here. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you for one minute. And if we… if I were to… if we did that, I’d start seriously falling for you, and that’s not something either of us can handle right now.” I groaned, slumping back against the table, settling in the quiet of the room—still except for my pounding heart, my shaking hands. The colors in the room felt like they stood out like I’d never seen them before. I was probably forming one of those memories where I’d still remember every inch of the room around me twenty years from now. Memories that were going to be filled with Alyssa. Dammit.
“Jade…” she said behind me, her voice a breathless whisper, before quietly, incredulously, she laughed. “I slapped you in the face. You still have the scar.”
“And yet.” I made a mistake—I turned back to her, and the sight of her eyes, wide and quivering with that look of disbelief—thatIcould possibly feel this way abouther,as if she didn’t have people lining up around every block to be around her—it made my heart pound harder. Suddenly anything other than kissing her felt unimaginable, impossible. “I know… it’s not exactly convenient.”
“No. It’s not.” She hunched her shoulders, looking down. “I don’t want to hurt you. Or myself.”
“I get that. I mean, likewise.” So I said, but it felt catastrophically sad, like I was saying goodbye to her right now and I wanted to hold onto her and never let her go. Slowly, I sank back into the seat. “I probably shouldn’t have kissed you like that.”
She laughed halfheartedly, kicking the floor. “I definitely shouldn’t have danced with Abby just to get your attention.”
Something jumped in my chest, and I faked being cool about it. “So that is what you were doing.”
“It took me until dinner yesterday to realize it myself, but yeah. It’s just…” She shifted closer, and I was suddenly reeling as she reached out and took the front of my shirt, two fingers slipping between the buttons, speaking quietly. “I didn’t want you to be with Daniela… and it’s so selfish of me, but seeing you talking with her, I was just… I wanted to pull you away and run away with you.” Her voice came out just a breath at the end, thin and wispy, but I held onto every word like a lifeline.
“So you went and danced with another girl instead.”
“I liked the way it made you look at me.” She tugged on my shirt, and my heartrate spiked. She was dangerously testing my resolve, and I didn’t have a lot of willpower to fight it. “Can I tell you something else?”
“I… yeah.” I needed out. She bit her lip, looking at me with those damn blue eyes that made it impossible to think straight.
“I like the way you’re looking at me now, too,” she whispered.
“Alyssa…” I swallowed. “We really shouldn’t do this.”
“I know,” she said, but she didn’t take her hand off my shirt, moving her other to my knee. God, I couldn’t fight this. Not when I wanted her this badly. Pretty girls were the fucking worst.
