“I had mine on you,” she said, her voice soft, and something about it pulled me out of my head and back to the present. Right. She’d told me things she hadn’t told anyone else. I’d told her things the same way. I couldn’t go without tellinganybody. Wasn’t Jade perfect?
“He messaged me this morning,” I blurted. Jade gave me a wary look.
“You mean…” She did Sawyer’s name sign. I snorted, the surprise of it throwing me out of my thoughts.
“The… the one and only.”
“Are you okay?”
I nodded. I had to swallow before I could speak, but my mouth was dry. Jade saw me struggling, and she pushed the drink my way—I’d forgotten I had a drink. I sipped it greedily, feeling it lubricate my throat. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed it. “I’m all right,” I said. “It wasn’t anything serious. He just wanted to know where I’d gone. I wasn’t answering him.”
She narrowed her eyes. “That does sound serious. What’s he planning on doing, tracking you down?”
“No. I don’t know. I hope not. I’d worry he’d take it out on Daniela…” I grimaced. “I wonder if he’d think we were dating. He was paranoid when I came out as… well, as queer, that it was because I wanted to cheat with a woman. I don’t want to drag her into this.”
“Alyssa. It’s okay. He’s not here now, and if this escalates, you’re not alone. We’ll figure it out.”
I sucked in a shaky breath, looking at her with wide eyes before, slowly, I nodded. “It’s… I… thank you.”
“Have you told Daniela?”
“Not yet. No. I didn’t want to bother her.”
She smiled. “Well, you told me. Is that why you’re not feeling well today?”
I crumpled a little. “I… yeah. I woke up to a message this morning, and I’ve been going through hell all day. I feel so stupid for the fact that I can’t control my feelings when he’s involved. He’ll say one thing and I’m terrified and panicking all day.”
“Sounds like it’s by design. I think he trained that response into you over time, to help him control you.”
“I’m not… I’m not trying to say it like everything is his fault, like he’s some evil monster.”
“If it’s easier to swallow, we can say he might not have trained it into you knowingly. Patriarchy shapes men to shape women, consciously or unconsciously.”
“Mm…” I sipped my drink slowly, hands shaky on the glass. “Maybe so.”
She gave it a second before she said, “We’ll make sure you’re all right. You’ve got a community here.”
I laughed nervously. “That’s… thank you. I just don’t want to put anybody in harm’s way.”
She laughed. “What’s he going to do, fight me? I’m pretty good at holding my own, actually.”
“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,” I laughed weakly.
“Do you want to get out of here?”
I was so pathetic, but I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was broken, and I needed to be somewhere safe right now. I nodded, and she smiled softly.
“Do you want to finish your drink or just go?”
“Okay, this is a good drink, I’m not just abandoning half of it.” I tipped the rest back, and I set it down on the table. “Okay. Um… I should… talk to…”
“You can text them. Easier for you and easier for them.”
“Mm.” Was this really the same person everybody was shunning as cold and hurtful? The same person who’d insulted Charlie’s relationship with an unrelated personal attack? This person, the one who was sitting across from me with that soft, caring look on her face, telling me to go with her to get somewhere safe? “I will. Um… thank you.”
“No problem. I’m about ready to bail anyway. This is more than enough talking to people.”
Honestly, she’d stuck around longer than I’d expected. I guess she and Daniela really did have something special when they talked.
