‘I hope so too.’
I take his face in my hands, and his eyes soften. ‘I can’t believe it’s you.’
‘I feel like I’ve been waiting for you forever.’
I bring him down to my lips and kiss him deeply.
When we break apart, we press our foreheads together like we are in prayer. A communion of us.
‘Wow,’ he says, lightness dancing in his voice.
We break into giggles again, and I bury my face in his chest. He smells like fresh books and nights in front of the fireplace. This is the smell of home, I think. My home. Our future.
I feel so lucky that our magical first kiss is recorded, so in the future I can watch it whenever I like. I wonder if it looks as wonderful as it feels, like a storybook romance come true.
Patrick breaks our kiss to look at me, tilting my chin up with his hand. His touch is so gentle, and I can’t help but think about him caring for sick or old animals, healing them with his hands.
‘Carys, you know you’re the only woman I’m seeing, don’t you?’
I didn’t actually know this for sure but hearing it out loud fills my heart with hot air.
‘You’re my only date too,’ I whisper, because he needs to know he’s the only reason I’m here.
‘That’s wonderful to hear,’ he says.
We kiss again and I wonder how many kisses you can fit into a happy lifetime.
‘I want you to know that…’ He clears his throat. ‘I have something important I’d like to ask you tomorrow.’
Oh my God. He’s really going to propose to me? Patrick really wants me? Out of every woman he could have, he wants me!
‘I know it’s unconventional to tell someone in advance, butI know you don’t love surprises, and I want you to have the time to think it through, like I have had.’
He’s so kind.
‘You know me so well,’ I swoon.
‘It feels like I do. I hope that I do. I want to spend every day learning as much about you as possible.’ His thumb strokes gently across my bottom lip.
My body is alive with wriggling feelings that I can’t pin down. Excitement yes, nerves, anticipation that I know I have to wait until tomorrow for it to happen, relief that he told me it’s coming.
I’m worried he thinks I’m not excited about it, so I push forward the biggest smile I can. ‘I promise I’ll think about it, though I really don’t need to. I know my answer.’
He smiles so wide that his eyes crinkle just a little in the corners.
And now I understand. All the difficulty, all this strife with trying to cope with being on the show while hiding my autism and getting all confused, this is what it was for. I might have gone through something difficult and upsetting, but I am leaving with a beautiful husband.
And yes, I’m not quite ready to drop the mask with Patrick yet, but when we’re alone at the apartments, I’ll be able to show him a bit more of me.
Their kisses are different, I think idly. Dolly’s were hungrier, like we were trying to devour each other.
I cringe at the thought. Get out of my head.
I kiss him again, not to prove anything to myself, but as a reminder that this is real. He is real. We are real.
‘This is so nice,’ I say purposefully as I nuzzle my face into his neck. His scent fills my senses, driving away any last thought of Dolly from my traitorous brain.
He presses a kiss down on the top of my head and it makes me want to cry in a good way. Relief, I think.
