After their elopement to Scotland, and the many interviews on the media circuit that seemed to keep the big bods at Sunset Motions happy, Lina moved down to Cornwall to be with Cobey, combining their Pilates and surf school businesses into a very cool wellness venture for stressed-out city women.
‘All the better for having this incredible woman and business partner with me.’ Cobey kisses his wife, and the audience whoops with delight.
‘Though, of course, your ex-fiancé Zack was left surprised by your disappearance at the joint stag and hen party. He couldn’t make it today, but is there anything you’d like to say to him?’ Karina asks.
‘Nothing to him, no,’ Lina says. She looks straight down the lens of a camera. ‘But to other women, even if you like someone, if you don’t like the things they say, the things they do, you can leave. That can be enough.’
‘Wise words,’ Karina agrees, as the audience applauds and nods and a few people tear up.
I’m glad Zack didn’t show up. I heard through the grapevine that he was invited and was giving it all gob about ‘starting shit’, but I think he knew this would have been a bloodbath. Perhaps he’s got more sense than I give him credit for.
‘And now, we turn to the shock of the season. Two breakups, two marriages and one singleton, but somehow not in the combination that any of us expected,’ Karina announces. ‘First, let’s welcome Patrick and Peony!’
Peony had been kept off-screen for the first bit of filming, asshe wasn’t known to the audience. This is her grand entrance, in the same glorious green suit, twinned by Patrick who escorts her to an empty sofa.
‘Golly, it’s a bit strange being on camera, isn’t it?’ she laughs, charming an audience who could have been totally set against her. But with the melodic chime of her laugh, everyone is enrapt.
The Nguyens explain Peony and Patrick’s backstory, showing photos on the screen of the couple through the years. It’s quite sweet, really.
‘I think people might be surprised to hear that we didn’t move in together immediately,’ Patrick admits.
‘Though, Iwasstill in Kenya,’ laughs Peony.
‘Hell of a commute!’ adds Patrick. It’s rehearsed, but it works. They’re a comedy duo of awkward brunettes.
‘We just wanted to get it right this time,’ Peony insists.
A couple of months ago, Peony finished her secondment and moved back to Newcastle, and Patrick joined her up there. They’ve got this beautiful house with a big garden they’re going to fill with wonky animals and elfin children. Carys has been up there twice already as she was insistent about helping them unpack, and we’ll go again together later this year. Turns out, Peony is an eager cook, so I’ve promised to teach her some of my skills when I’m up.
And now, it’s our turn.
‘With Patrick marrying Peony, Carys was left alone. But in a first forWedded Bliss, Carys and Dolly ended up in our first ever same-gender couple! Let’s see how that played out.’
So it turns out the whole time I was paranoid about cameras, I needn’t have been. There weren’t hidden cameras, for once, because the show had about ten quid left by the time they’d furnished the warehouse and apartments. Reb let slip that there were security cameras in important places, but that mysteriously, footage from several cameras had been deletedfor some reason definitely not by her nope no way. She’s a good egg but I wish she’d get a new job.
Still, the show did manage to pick up quite a lot of our lingering looks and, in the context of us falling in love, the editors managed to stitch together a pretty solid timeline of our relationship. It ends with shaky camera footage racing through a garden to find us kissing at the folly.
We were both frightened about what would happen next, but after a lot of terse discussions, the show decided that if they made Patrick and Peony an officialWedded Blisscouple, they had to recognise us too. In the end, the queer community came out in force and voted us into second place, the only part of my plan that remained the same.
‘Now, we’ve never had a romance like this before,’ says Lucas. ‘And we had Lina escape out of a window!’
‘Plenty has been said on social media about your relationship,’ says Karina carefully, and boy, she’s not kidding. My followers’ count has had more ups and downs than Alton Towers, losing a bunch of homophobes and gaining all the gays of the UK. Somehow, I seem to have kept pretty much all of my beloved Nigella-wanting middle-aged men contingent.
‘What do you want to say about your first year so far?’ she finishes.
‘I love her,’ I say, which weirdly gets a lot of applause, but then how often do you see women say they love each other romantically on television, even now? ‘She’s very supportive, even when she’s having a tough time. And she’s had a pretty tough time from some of youse.’
Carys nudges me. She always worries when I go protective bulldog mode.
‘It’s been tricky,’ she says diplomatically. ‘But it’s been really lovely connecting with the autistic community, and thequeer community finally. There’s hard stuff but I’ve felt the support too.’
‘People need to quit with thebisexuals are always cheaters thing, though,’ Whit says, sitting up a little straighter.
‘But she did cheat on Patrick, so maybe that’s deserved,’ snips Bridget.
I am about to leap over and beat her with my shoe, seemingly along with most of the audience who boo Bridget.
‘I made mistakes. We all did,’ Carys says. To Patrick’s credit, he even nods here. ‘I’ve been working on myself in therapy and, it’s no excuse, but—’ She takes a breath. ‘My entire understanding of self was warped. You don’t know how to make a good decision when that’s what you’re working with. What’s a moral compass when you don’t know which way North is?’
