CONNOR Did you get me any presents?
JOYCE Connor! Behave, I beg.
DOLLY I don’t know, Connor… Do you like video games?
[Cut to a similar scene at Dolly’s house, with Warren, Dolly and Dolly’s mum Moira, Dolly’s Auntie Carol and cousin Jas around the kitchen table. A cake sits between them. The angle is much tighter as the terraced kitchen is small.]
MOIRA Here now, Warren, you’re the man here. You slice this up for us.
WARREN [laughs]It’s my pleasure, Moira.
CAROL Ah well, he’s an alright sort, isn’t he? So, tell us about your wedding then?
DOLLY Don’t you want it to be a surprise?
JAS We’ll see it on telly anyway.
[Everyone laughs.]
DOLLY You’ll all come, won’t you?
MOIRA [wiping a tear away]I just wish I could be there when you pick your dress.
DOLLY Oh, Mum.
[Dolly gets up to hug her mum.]
DOLLY It’ll be better this way. You can save your energy for the big day. We’ll Zoom you in.
[A snippet of an interview with just Moira.]
MOIRA That’s the hardest bit, really. The missing out.
Chapter ThirtyDolly
Transcript of a video from reality TV content creator @missgoss
Wow, what a wild episode! But I couldn’t help but notice some editing shenanigans happening – using proper wine glasses means they can’t hide from me! Do we think the show is trying to give Zack a more sympathetic edit than he deserves? Carys and Dolly disappearing over and over suggests Frankenscene to me!
Being back in Liverpool, just for the day, is like breathing fresh air. I suppose compared to the air quality in London, it is.
I finally called Mum, obviously. It was, well, a very short phone call in which I told her I was home, which she apparently already knew because production had been in touch about arranging to film Warren and me coming up to visit. Initially, production wanted her to come all the way down to London to meet Warren’s family at the same time, but I said it was either we met my mum where she was at in a way that wouldn’t nuke her energy levels for days or weeks, or none at all.
I want her there on the wedding day, and that’s what we have to energy budget for.
Production didn’t put up a fight. After all, they wanted the shot of my giant husband meeting my tiny Scouse mum.
Warren is polite, incredibly gentle and very deferential even when Mum is bossing him around no end. Even though he’s physically massive, it feels like hefitsas if he’s been here a million times.
We get what we needed, and Mum even hammed things up for the camera without asking.
And now that the cameras are gone, I can tell The Talk is about to happen.
I get up to make us fresh cups of tea, so that I have something to do with my hands. A bollocking is imminent, I can feel it.
‘Baby Jas, didn’t you want Warren to go film something with you?’ Mum suggests. Mum’s never really got out of the habit of calling her ‘Baby Jas’ even though she’s almost a legal adult and has been caring for my mum a lot the last few years.
Jas bats her eyes at Warren. ‘Please? It’ll get me so many followers.’
