Louise leads me to the shiny kitchen and opens a very fullfridge. ‘We’re well stocked with all the essentials, and if there’s anything in particular you’d like, we can get it in for you.’
There’s lots of fresh fruit, packs of fresh herbs, bits to put in sandwiches, about five kinds of milk. I realise that in all this planning, there was one thing I hadn’t checked. ‘Am I allowed to cook?’
Louise hesitates. ‘We have caterers for that, darling. You just need to focus on your dates.’
Ah. I had hoped to show off some skills for the brands, establish myself on camera as a cook you want to watch from home. How to spin this? ‘What if I want to cook for my dates? Perhaps as a gift?’
She instantly brightens. ‘Oh well, obviously that would be allowed!’
Good enough.
Louise tells me about the illustrious soft furnishings company I vaguely recognise from posh girl TikTok they used for décor, while I try to scope out the cameras. The only two places they don’t film in at this stage are the bedrooms and bathrooms.
Once you’re engaged, all bets are off, because dating shows love nothing more than footage of couples surreptitiously shagging.
‘You’ll never find them all,’ Louise says.
Ah. Bit too obvious. ‘I just want to make sure they always get my good side,’ I insist, and she seems to enjoy that.
‘Shall I show you the bedrooms?’ I notice a slight change here, a hesitation in her voice.
She stops in front of a door. On the other side, I see two twin beds. So, there’s that budget cut.
‘Due to constraints of the building, we have everyone sharing rooms in pairs.’
This is the first I’ve heard of this, of course. Ex-contestants from the first season did mention sharing a room, but I’dhoped that was left behind. Could be worse – at least it’s not ten girls to one room.
‘Oh, that’s fine,’ I say airily, determined to be the contestant who causes the least trouble. ‘It’ll be like Brownie camp.’
Louise looks instantly relieved. ‘We’ve pre-assigned roommates just to make things easier, but if you girls want to swap later, just let me know. You never know who accidentally ends up as enemies or fighting over the same man.’
‘Hopefully that won’t happen!’
She laughs. ‘Well, wedohave a television show to make.’
‘If you’d rather I designate someone as my mortal enemy, I’ll do it for you.’
Louise honks. ‘You always make me laugh.’ Her walkie talkie buzzes something incoherent. ‘Got to dash. If you need anything, you can just go back to the dormitory front door and knock. There’ll always be someone outside, twenty-four-seven. We’ll be in early tomorrow to mic you up, but until then you guys can focus on just getting to know each other. Any questions?’
‘None right now.’
This is officially it. I can’t leave.
‘Perfect.’ Her phone pings, and she frowns at it. ‘Actually, there’s been… another last-minute change of plans,’ she says with barely controlled annoyance. ‘Our showrunner, Richard Lee Aldridge, wants to do some quick filming later today, once everyone has arrived. Likely after dinner, with a relaxed vibe, so dress comfy.’
I also take note of her vague timing. No numbers for us anymore.
‘Girlie sleepover vibes! Sounds great.’ I’ve got a bright red athleisure set that will be perfect for this.
Naturally, they want some early friendship footage. Or potentialbefore it went wrongclips, in case we all end up hating each other.
‘Good luck, Dolly.’ Louise gives me another quick squeeze and disappears in a cloud of Jo Malone.
This is the last time I’ll be alone for weeks, so I take a moment to savour it and go over the plan. Reject any saps here for love (some kind of misguided act of faith), and find men who, like me, know that the opportunity to be on a brand new series of a dating show on terrestrial, free-to-watch (as long as you don’t mind the adverts) broadcast television a couple of nights a week for an entire summer is the kind of out-of-your-usual-audience-bubble exposure that no algorithm could ever deliver.
I am not leaving here without a husband.
Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. Except, instead of seawater, I’m surrounded by some of the most beautiful, brilliant straight women the UK has to offer.
