And finally, I find myself again. On-Camera Dolly is all charm, and a bad bitch. I slip into her like an old coat.
‘Excited to meet my man,’ I say, flashing a smile. I will be the Nation’s goddamn Sweetheart, and everyone will believe I am desperately in love.
‘I bet you are,’ Louise laughs, throwing back her flowy, horse-mane hair. ‘Let’s get this party started, shall we?’
Mike unceremoniously dumps my things on the ground, and drives away in his Australian car.
‘Charming,’ Louise says.
I reach for my bags, which Louise whisks away from me. ‘Allow me. Let’s not ruck up that killer dress, darling.’
‘Thanks. How are you?’
‘Positively wired, I’ve had three espressos!’ She extends her perfectly manicured hand. ‘Now, let’s not make this more painful than it has to be.’ She wants my phone.
‘Can I just shoot my mum a last text?’
‘Naturally, sweets.’ Louise, after all, knows about my home life, and will be checking in with my family for me.
Dolly
Just arrived at the warehouse. Chat in two weeks. Don’t forget your meds. Love you xxxx
It’s still early so chances are she’s asleep, but I wish I knew she was okay. I’m not used to leaving her for long. I’m glad Auntie Carol and Jas have her.
‘Let’s take a selfie to document the first day?’ I suggest, and Louise gleefully agrees. We both know behind-the-scenes content always does well; I’ve seen Ariana’s many,manyInstagram carousels ofWickedphotos.
No reply from Mum, so I hand my phone over to Louise, who puts it into her back pocket. ‘Rather you than me, babe.’
After cultivating a whole career online, it feels very weird to be sans phone. My work phone is locked up at home because, frankly, I didn’t feel comfortable handing over my whole career, even to someone as seemingly reliable as Louise.
There’s not much on my personal phone beyond the possibly AI generated, heavily pixelated pictures overlaid with ‘great quotes’ Auntie Carol downloads from Facebook to send to Jas and me, and all my texts from Mum.
‘You’re the first girl going in,’ Louise tells me as we walk towards the front doors. ‘Slight change of plan: no filming today. We’ll reshoot arrivals tomorrow. Gives you a chance to settle in.’
That’s a bit of a relief, because the nice dress I’d worn forjust in caseis looking a little less nice now I’ve sweated and stomped and sat in the back of a cab in it.
‘Let’s go, I can stake out the best spots,’ I say with a winning smile.
After one last look at the sky, I follow Louise into the warehouse, and even though I have seen every publicly availableseries ofWedded Bliss, and read every article interviewing production, it’s still a little eerie to see the set replicated here.
We pass the famous long corridor with its many doors, behind which are the date rooms. I hold in a squeak of recognition when I spy the setup for post-date interviews, with its strange fake set backdrop. All these key spaces, little clusters of activity just waiting to happen. I was right about the blacked-out windows and can feel my body craving vitamin D already. After a kitchen area and some utility rooms, we turn to one last door.
The sign on it saysFemale Contestant Dormitory.
This is where I’m going to live for the next two weeks. Or well, two show weeks, which equates to about eight or nine days’ filming.
I can do this. It’s just another job, even if this job is being fake-married to someone for the next twelve months, or until six months after the show has officially aired (whichever is longer), as set out in the contracts that all of us signed. This is simply business.
I can do anything for twelve months, even marry a man.
For Mum.
‘Ta-daaa,’ Louise sings as she pushes open the door.
For a window-less space I need to share with nine other women, it’s nice in here. It very much looks like the ideal of a converted warehouse loft, with exposed brick walls and lots of negative space and good lighting. As expected, there’s not a single clock.
There’s a kitchen with a big island to sit at, another separate dining table, a living room made up of a few long velvet couches arranged like a seventies-style conversation pit, and around all that there are lots of little nooks to sit in with enough seats for two or three women, perfect for quieter conversations. Right above it, is a camera nestled into the wall.
