“This isn’t because of you, I promise. This isn’t your fault.” Iryana flicked her eyes up to find tears streaming down Hadima’s face. “I can’t protect any of you. If I stay, I’ll only make things worse. I always do. I can’t keep pretending.”
Hadima was crying now. “I don’t understand; I’m the one that messed up.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “So sorry for everything. For thinking I could save us. For going to the brigade. For failing. For not being enough.”
“Iryana…”
The last defenses she’d kept around the pain inside of her cracked, and then crumbled. Crashing over her.
“I couldn’t hold our family together.” She dropped to her knees at the side of the bed, sobbing. “I ruined everything. Mom left because of me. I broke everything.”
Hadima reached for her hand, pulling her close.
“Stop.”
“I’m sorry I made her go,” Iryana cried, barely able to get the words out. “Ever since Dad—since he got hurt—it’s like there was this rot inside of me. I poison everything I touch.”
“Do you really believe that?” Hadima’s voice was quiet. Soft.
“I’mbroken, Hadima.”
Hadima flinched. “Mom leaving wasn’t your fault. I should have been there.”
“You were training—”
“I should have been there,” Hadima snapped, voice cracking. “I didn’t want to be; I was scared of his injury, of his pain. I knew how hard it would be, and I ran from it. Abandoning you.” Hadima sucked in a sob. “I wasn’t as strong as you. I knew it would be hard, and I jumped at the chance to leave.”
Iryana reared back, stunned.
“Mom didn’t blame you,” Iryana said. “She was proud of you.”
“She was a coward,” Hadima said bitterly. “Just like me.” Hadima was crying so hard her shoulders were shaking. “We failedyou. And Misha.”
“No,” Iryana shushed, leaning in to wrap herself around Hadima as gently as she could.
Hadima clung to her. “I thought youhatedme. I thought that was why you left.”
“I could never hate you.”
“You should.”
“No. I shouldn’t.” Iryana squeezed her eyes shut. “I was jealous that you got to stay with the cousins, and I missed you so much. But I never blamed you, never hated you.”
Hadima was quiet for a moment before the words came out in one big sob.
“I try so hard to make up for it.” She sucked in a wail. “So they forget how selfish I was. So they keep loving me.”
Iryana stared in shock at her sister. “How could they not love you? You’re perfect.”
She had never once questioned that everyone loved Hadima unconditionally. She was whole in a way that Iryana wasn’t.
“No, I’m not.” She laughed between sobs. “I’m barely holding it together. I am exhausted and pushing myself too hard. And I just—I can’t say no. To anything.”
It was strange watching her sister fall apart. Strange to realize that Hadima struggled like she did. That she just hid it better.
She’d put her sister on a pedestal, put all the Kleesolds on one, really. But they all had their own scars, their own torments. She’d been so oblivious to Hadima’s pain. Even after their dad died and Hadima was trying so hard to push her to be with the others. To fit in. That was Hadima’s coping mechanism. To pretend. To make everyone else happy and hope it rubbed off on her.
A bit of shame curled up inside her.
