“You don’t. But it wasn’t fun and I decided that I don’t want to get a pet, at least for a while,” I said. I took a bite, thought about the Chicago sidewalk, then had to force myself to swallow.I didn’t pick up my fork again, since I wasn’t overly hungry anyway.
“How were you going to get a pet? You said you can’t in your apartment.”
“Well, I could move,” I answered. “My lease is up pretty soon.”
“I also remember you saying that you were never going to move. You loved that place.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s ok.”
“Is something wrong? Not with the apartment, but with you today?”
“I’ve been thinking about my dad since this is the date he died last year,” I said.
He also put down his fork. “Are you serious? One year ago, today?”
I nodded.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.
“I don’t know. It’s not something I’m celebrating or trying to get sympathy for. It seemed weird to bring it up and I didn’t think I would be so…” I tried to label what, exactly, I was at this moment. “I’m so…”
“Sad?”
“No.” I thought about what happened when you walked into still water, how muck or sand could swirl so that the clarity clouded. “Stirred up,” I said. “Disturbed. I don’t miss him as a person because we never got along. When I texted him about my collegegraduation and he said he was sick, it was the first time we had talked in years. He figured that once I was living on my own, we didn’t need to keep up with each other. But his death was hard in a general way, like that I was losing another connection. I don’t have much family—I stayed with my aunt and my cousin one summer, but we don’t talk anymore.”
“What you just said is reason enough to be sad, if you are.”
Maybe I was. I had been moping around since we’d returned from Chicago, although the dinner there had been nice and the flight home had been smooth. I was glad that I went, if only because I’d been able to handle that dog situation.
“I wish you told me before and I wish I’d thought about the timeline based on the stuff you did tell me. Can I do anything to make you feel better now?” Ronan asked.
I shook my head. “No, thanks.” I didn’t enjoy talking about things like this, feelings and things, because putting them out in the open never seemed to solve any problems. People tended to get mad or uncomfortable. Right now, he seemed more sympathetic than annoyed, but I remembered how I’d worn out my welcome with that aunt and cousin. No one liked a moper.
But I was acting that way without being able to really stop myself, which was weird for someone who could disguise her emotions as I could. The Woodsmen were playing at home, midweek, which meant that he would be going to sleep at the hotel tomorrow night and we wouldn’t be having dinner together. And Ed had taken a short vacation to visit his daughter, whom I hadn’t even known about. I’d never askedhim about his family and I felt bad about that, too. Our conversations had been limited to issues with Ronan’s career and the problems at the practice facility.
Anyway, I didn’t have good seats for this game because I hadn’t bothered Annie Whitaker-Gassman again, so I’d be up near the stars (it was at night) and also sitting by myself without Ed. That was what I’d planned for, until Ronan suggested something different.
“I got you a ticket for Wednesday,” he mentioned as we cleared the table.
“What does that mean?”
“Let’s start with the basics. I play football and we’re having a game,” he said, and I poked his stomach. It felt like poking steel but he grimaced and then rubbed the spot, as if I’d severely injured him. “Never mind, I’m taking back the ticket and giving it to a woman who doesn’t turn to violence.” But then he hugged me, and honestly, I’d been wanting this for a while. All the moping and all the feelings had been wearing on me, so I leaned against him and let him pet my hair.
“No, I guess I’ll give it to you,” he said. “I like you even if you do have sharp fingers. You can sit in the stands in the same place where some of the other guys have their seats. Remember Xavier Hurley? You kind of met him in Utah, although you were upset at that moment.”
I remembered him a little from that day, but I definitely knew him as one of the starting cornerbacks. “Yes,” I said. “What about him?”
“His mom was going to come but she can’t, so he has an extra ticket and you can have it. It’s next to his wife and she wants to meet you.”
“Are you trying to make friends for me?”
“Yes,” he said. “I think it will work, too, because I’m so damn sneaky about things. You’ll never guess my ulterior motive.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“To make you happy, because I like it when you smile. Hell’s bells, I went ahead and told you,” he lamented. “But you can still sit next to Morgan and have a good time, and you’ll be able to see the action without binoculars. I promise that I’ll play well.”
Did he think that I was disappointed in him? “You don’t have to promise that,” I said. “I already know you will.”
