She glanced at the fabric wall that separated her space from the next guy. He was definitely there, because I could hear him breathing in a snorty kind of way. “Are you done for the day?” she asked me.
“I just have to get my bag.”
She nodded and stood. “Let’s walk out together.”
We went into my office and I saw that my boss was already gone. I grabbed my stuff, patting Polyphemus on the head because I wouldn’t see him again until Monday.
Kiya was waiting in the hallway. “Victoria already left,” she mentioned, tilting her head towards the security office. “She was talking about having a party at her apartment after the game. She finally got furniture.”
She had mentioned that to me, too, but I hadn’t heard details. “I may be busy,” I mentioned as I pushed open the outer door. A warm summer breeze wafted over me and I loved it.
“Ugh, it’s so hot. You mean, you might have plans with Ronan,” she confirmed, and I nodded. “And he hasn’t talked to Channing?”
“Not that I know of, but I wasn’t pushing him to. I thought you didn’t care,” I said. “Also, I think he would be a terrible spy. Before, you were talking about writing a script for him to follow—”
“That sounds so dumb to me now,” she said dolefully. “I don’t want anybody to be a spy. I mean, I do, and I also don’t. Ronan doesn’t have to talk to my Ca—to Channing, but I do care.” She sighed. “Maybe I shouldn’t have broken up with him.”
“What?” I asked. “You did that?”
“Yeah, I did that, so he wasn’t cheating on me when you saw him. Our relationship had started to feel so familiar!” she told me. “I was insecure about how he was acting, and it wasn’t just that one time when he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I wasn’t expecting a daily report on his emotions or anything. Then I realized why I got so crazy about it.”
“Yes?” I prompted.
“It was a pattern that I’d seen before. It was the same thing that my college boyfriend did,” she explained. “I love you, now I’m pulling back. I think you’re the one, now I’m not responding to your texts. I’m not running around on you, but I’m hiding my location. What app? No, I’m only looking for friends. I care about your track meet, but I’m not going to make the time to go.” She shook her head. “I wanted Channing to drive downstate to meet my parents and he acted just like my ex always did when I asked him about something important to me. They both hemmed and hawed and then waited until the last second to say no. And it was for the same reason,” she told me.
“What’s the reason?” I asked.
“You really don’t know? Yeah, because that’s you, too,” she said.
“What’s me?”
Kiya stopped. “You don’t want to commit to someone. You’re doing it the right way, though, because you’re not pretending. But my last two relationships have been with guys who say all the right things about the future but when push comes to shove…”
I kept walking, not really sure about what to say. Did she think that I was afraid of a relationship? I wasn’t afraid.
“I’m just glad that I saw it so early with Channing,” she continued as she caught up. “I dated the other guy for three years. Three years! It took that long before I got enough self-respect to figure it out. But then I saw myself acting just the same way all over again, like I hadn’t learned anything. I’m proud that I stopped myself.”
“Why were you so mad at me about it? Is it because you think that I’m the same as those two guys?”
“No, I just said that you’re different!” she reminded me. “You’re not trying to draw someone in with lies. You’re straightforward about it. That’s why it’s lucky that you and Ronan found each other, since you both want the same things.”
“Right. Exactly, except that we’re not together.”
She gave me a look. “Ok, sure.”
“Whatever,” I said irritably. “You weren’t together with Channing for very long. Maybe you were just pushing him too hard and trying to go too fast.”
“Yeah, maybe, but it’s what I want. And if he doesn’t? He can eat me!”
“That’s definitely your prerogative but if you’re so good with it, then why have you been acting angry and pouty?” I asked her, and she stopped again.
Slowly, she turned to face me, and I saw that tears had started to run down her cheeks. “I’m not good with it. I’m trying, though.” She sniffled. “It’s hard to see you girls happy and enjoying yourselves, when I want to crawl into a hole and cry every day.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” she said. She sniffed again, loudly. “Everyone in my department thinks that there’s some kind of air flow issue around the cubicles in the corner because I keep blowing my nose and the guy next to me snorts constantly. But it’s because I’m crying and he’s always picking boogers.”
“That’s disgusting,” I said, and she agreed but wasn’t sure how to curb his behavior. “Just to be clear, you’re not blaming me because you think I should have warned you away from Channing, or gotten Ronan to make him behave better, or something like that?”
