“Liam doesn’t get to be mad at me. He kissed me, told me he loved me, and then left me when I needed him the most. I couldn’t talk about him and what his leaving did to me. I couldn’t even talk about what happened to Boris. I had to hide my feelings and keep them to myself.”
At night, when everyone fell asleep, I wallowed in my sadness, asking myself over and over what I did wrong for him to abandon me. No texts, phone calls, or emails. I know he planned to leave, but some part of me hoped he would stay in touch. For a year and a half, I didn’t hear from him. So, no, he doesn’t get to be mad at me for moving on.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Emily finally asks. I look over at her and raise my brows in question. I literally spilled my guts a moment ago, and she didn’t hear a word I said.
“Do you want to talk about wherever your brain just went?” I scoot closer to Emily. Her eyes reflect such sadness. “Em, look at me.” Her head tilts up beneath her hood. “Are you mad at me, too?” I pause, but she doesn’t reply. “I’m sorry. I know that he’s one of your close friends. I never meant for any of this to happen.”
A single tear streaks down her face. “What if we don’t get him back? I can’t lose both of you,” she whispers.
I inch closer and place my hands on hers. “You’re not going to lose me.”
More tears fall. “You want to trade yourself for him. You made a case to the Leads to fight with us when the Resistance comes.”
I look down at our hands. Emily’s hands tremble beneath mine. “I have to save him, Emily. He was taken because of me.”
She swipes at her chin with the back of her hand and shakes her head. “With everything we learned today, it’s so much bigger than that asshat Byron Niles looking for his son.”
“What are you talking about? What did you learn?”
She faces away from me. “I can’t tell you.” She pauses, and what she says next feels like a knife to the heart. “Go home, Jessica. This isn’t your fight.”
“Em, I don’t understand.” Why is she saying this? She was always on my side before.
Her eyes shut. More tears leak down her face and drip off her chin. She squeezes my hand. “You are my best friend, and this shit—all of this—scares me to death. Please, just go.”
“No!” I cry and yank my hand back. My heart breaks at her lack of faith in me. “I won’t abandon him!”
She reaches for me. “I know he means everything to you, and I know you would do anything to save him. Let the guards take care of this. Go with your parents, away from here, to someplace safe. Please…” Her lower lip trembles.
I brush her hand off the sleeve of my jacket. She's the last person I expected to fight with about this. “I thought you had my back!” I spit out, my words laced with hurt and betrayal. I push myself off the ground.
She leans forward and pulls me back down. “You don’t understand, Jessica! I can’t be everywhere to protect you. I’m asking you to leave, for me!” she shouts. “I can’t lose you.” Her voice cracks. Her shoulders hunch forward, and large tears fall to the ground.
I’ve never seen Emily like this. My anger melts as her sobs grow louder. I reach for her and cradle her head against my shoulder.
“If you die, or they take you, I will never forgive myself.”
My own tears begin to fall. I rub slow circles against her back. “I know you can’t always be there to protect me. Emily, it’s not your job. You’re my best friend, not my personal bodyguard. I’ve grown and changed so much since I’ve been in the program. Let me prove it to you, Anders, my parents, and the guards that I can do this. I can fight. I can protect all of you, too.”
Her sobs turn to soft whimpers. She finally looks me in the eyes. “You’re a stubborn ass, you know that?”
I scoff at her remark.
She squeezes her eyes shut, and more tears leak down her face and drip off her chin. She squeezes my hand. “You came intomy life when I felt the loneliest. For the first time ever, I found someone who understands me. You never try to fix me or push me away because I’m too loud or talk too much. You didn’t judge me when I told you that I liked girls. You made my relationship with Sixes stronger when I was too afraid to let her in because of my secret. I finally feel like I belong in this world because of you. If you ever leave me, I don’t know what I would do.”
I sniff and wipe at my eyes.
“If you insist on fighting tonight, I need you to make me a promise. Promise me that, if it comes down to it, you will let me take a bullet for you. You won’t do something reckless and end up in the hands of the Resistance.” She pauses when she sees my hesitation. “Please just say you promise. It will make me feel better.”
I vigorously shake my head. “No promises. I’ve never lied to you, and I won’t start now.”
She sadly nods her head.
I wrap my arms around her tight. “I love you to the moon,” I whisper.
“To the moon, around the sun, and back,” she whispers to me.
Chapter 67
