‘It could – but it’s something I wanted to get tonight.’ He turned to go back out.
You went running after him. ‘Can I come with you, Daddy?’
‘Lex, it’s nearly bedtime,’ I reminded you. And you didn’t need to watch your father buying alcohol.
‘Of course you can come – if Mummy doesn’t mind?’ Ryan winked at me. ‘We won’t be long.’
I watched you go out to the car. I couldn’t remember the last time you and Ryan had gone out, just the two of you. Going into the kitchen, I put the kettle on. The faint sound of the TV programme Ollie was watching came to me. Switching on some music, I found an upbeat track that fit my mood.
It had been such a good day, I told myself. It filled me with hope that there would be more. My good feeling stayed as I heard Ryan’s car come back, and you came bursting in holding a bunch of flowers.
‘These are for you, Mummy.’ Your eyes were shining.
‘Thank you.’ Leaning down, I kissed your cheek. ‘They’re gorgeous.’ I looked up at Ryan as he came in behind you. ‘Thank you,’ I said again.
‘It’s why I wanted to go out.’ He paused. ‘It’s been a good day.’ But as he went over to the far side of the kitchen, a clinking sound came from the bag he was carrying.
I watched him take a couple of bottles out.
He turned to me. ‘Glass of wine?’
I shook my head. ‘No thanks.’ I glanced at the flowers again, suddenly feeling manipulated. No longer were they a thoughtful gift. They were Ryan’s way of buying my compliance.
4
NOW
Dear Lexie,
Life wasn’t always easy for us. But is it for anyone? I chose to focus on the happy times, on giving you and Ollie what I could. I tried to support your dad, too, however hard that was. It was the only way I could see us staying together. And I wanted that, so much – for all of us.
I suppose that’s what I wanted to write about. Life isn’t easy – and it isn’t perfect, either. We’re all human. Are all beholden to our pasts in some way. I don’t think I ever got to the bottom of why alcohol had such a grip on Dad. But I suppose only we know what’s really going on inside ourselves.
I’ve often wondered if that’s why you always wanted to move so far away. Remember that day you told me you were thinking of going to New Zealand for a year? I tried to persuade you that Europe was a better idea! Eventually you changed your mind – not to Europe, though.
I’m going to Vietnam, Mum! Then Cambodia.
You were drawn to the rainforests of Malaysia, too, your adventurous spirit craving more of this world that I’d barely scratched the surface of. Whether you were running away or not, I knew I’d have to let you go. But I’d known for a long time that your destiny was different to mine. And it’s the paradox of parenting that what you need most as children is wings that ultimately will take you away from us.
Wings I didn’t know how to give you. But you had it all worked out!
Mother cats teach their kittens to hunt and kill. When fledglings leave the nest, they’re alone. Nature has it right; humans get everything wrong, you told me, adding quickly, I don’t mean you, Mum.
But your message had reached me; sunk in, heart deep. You knew I didn’t see things the way you did.
After Ollie, then you, had flown the nest, there have still been happy times, family times, when I’ve joined Ollie and his girlfriend, Jenna, for one of their spectacular Sunday lunches. You’ve been there too, when you weren’t busy, the four of us sitting around their dining table eating a meal Jenna had spent most of the morning preparing. You and Jenna were very different people. But from the start, you loved her – she’s a homebody, everything she does imbued with love.
Now and then, you’ve dipped into my world, not that you get it.
It’s nuts, people going to all this trouble, for one day of their lives.
I still remember the day you said that. Lucy and I were setting up for the biggest wedding in the history of our tiny flower business.
‘I am so fucking stressed,’ she muttered through the ribbon she was holding between her teeth. ‘When this is over, remind me to never do another wedding.’
‘You love them,’ I remember saying to her. ‘Anyway, it’s like childbirth. Once it’s over, you forget.’ But I was stressed, too. There are no second chances when it comes to weddings. Everything has to be perfect on the day.
Our workshop was crammed with scented roses and other seasonal flowers, freshly cut from Mary’s garden.
