‘If he doesn’t…’ I looked at my friend. ‘I’m worried about what it’s going to do to Ollie and Lexie,’ I said, trying to make sense of the disquieting thoughts that were coming at me. ‘I have to seriously think about what’s best, don’t I?’
‘Don’t rush into making any decisions,’ she advised. ‘You’ve told him how you feel. Maybe you should give him a chance to think about it.’
I did what I could to break this negative pattern; to slow the rollercoaster our lives were trapped on. To make alcohol less of a part of Ryan’s everyday.
‘Why don’t we take the kids out?’ I suggested as the weekend approached.
He looked less than pleased. ‘Where were you thinking?’
I shrugged. ‘Maybe one of those kids’ farms with loads of animals?’ I suggested. ‘They’d both love that.’ I was fully prepared for him to make an excuse; already had a plan B, to go without him.
But to my astonishment, he agreed. ‘OK.’
My eyes widened. ‘Really?’
‘I said OK, Edie.’ Ryan looked slightly annoyed.
‘Great!’ Going over to him, I hugged him briefly. ‘It will be fun!’
Saturday dawned, a bright, sunlit day. Getting up early, I made breakfast for my family, then packed a picnic; wished every weekend could begin like this.
‘Mummy? Will there be goats?’ you asked excitedly.
‘There will.’ I smiled.
‘And ponies?’ Ollie looked hopeful.
‘Ponies, definitely.’ I paused, looking at him. Ollie had always loved ponies. ‘I think you might even be able to ride one!’
As we got in the car, I tried to hide the fact that I was on edge, waiting for Ryan’s jovial mask to slip; only starting to relax as the day progressed.
You and Ollie were the perfect age to enjoy an outing like this, moving from one barn to the next, your eyes wide with delight as you saw the animals. The pigs that lay motionless in deep beds of straw; a friendly ex-dairy cow who leaned her head over the fence, her warm breath smelling of hay. The cats that watched everyone through slitted eyes, the noisy little herd of guinea pigs.
‘They love animals,’ I said to Ryan. ‘Maybe we should think about getting a dog – or a cat.’
‘It would be a tie,’ Ryan said. ‘We’d have to plan our lives around it.’
‘It isn’t like we’re away much,’ I said persuasively. ‘I only work mornings. And it would be a good routine – walking a dog.’
‘A dog?’ A smile played on his lips. ‘Maybe it would be nice.’ He awkwardly put an arm around my shoulders. ‘Let’s think about it.’
For a day, we were the family I’d always wanted us to be. United, sharing time together. Happy.
‘Mum!’ Ollie was breathless as he came running up. ‘I’ve found where the ponies are!’
For a long time, it had been me that you and Ollie came to; a pattern shaped by Ryan’s emotional absence. I glanced at Ryan, to see if he’d noticed.
His eyes were warm as he looked at Ollie. ‘Let’s go and see them.’
After the ponies, there were tractor rides, climbing frames, chickens to feed. Of course, I could see the superhuman effort Ryan was making; that his comfort zone was an afternoon in a pub rather than a children’s animal farm. But the fact that he was here with us meant the world, not just to me, but to our children, too.
When we stopped for tea on the way back, it was the perfect end to the day. As I watched you and Ollie navigate slices of pizza that were dripping with mozzarella, it was like you didn’t have a care in the world.
It was dark by the time we got home. Going inside, I switched on the lights and started closing curtains.
Ryan stood in the doorway. ‘I’m just popping out for something. I won’t be long.’
I stiffened. ‘Can’t it wait?’ I immediately assumed he was going out to buy alcohol.
