‘Mum?’ You stared at me. ‘Is everything OK?’
‘Of course it is.’ I looked at you, startled. ‘Why do you ask?’
‘I don’t know.’ You were cagey, all of a sudden. ‘You seem different.’
I gazed at you. But you have always been sensitive. I should have known you’d notice. ‘Actually, I’ve been talking to someone. A therapist.’ I looked around. ‘Where’s Ollie?’
He chose that moment to wander in. His face was drawn, anxiety never far away these days, even when Ryan wasn’t here; I felt my heart twist.
‘There’s something I’d like to talk to both of you about,’ I said gently. ‘Come and sit.’ At the kitchen table, I told them why I was talking to Caitlin, trying to paint it in the most positive light. ‘We all know Dad is an alcoholic.’ I heard your sharp intake of breath.
‘It isn’t that bad, Mum.’ Ollie had taken on my denial.
I looked him in the eye. ‘That’s what I’ve always told you, Oll. But it’s the truth. And it isn’t an accusation. It’s an illness. Dad’s sick.’
‘But nothing makes him better,’ you said quietly. ‘I meant what I said, Mum. I’m not going to stay living with him.’
I took a deep breath. ‘Look, I’ve been trying so hard to keep everything normal. And it isn’t fair of me. Dad’s behaviour isn’t normal. What you both live with isn’t normal.’
‘How is talking to someone going to change that?’ you challenged me.
‘I need to stop pretending everything’s fine,’ I said shakily. ‘Because it isn’t. Not in any way. You two shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around your father. Something has to change.’
‘Yeah, well, he isn’t going to.’ Ollie folded his arms.
‘At this stage, I’m not sure what we do.’ I paused. ‘But it’s important you know I’m aware of how this is for you. And that I’m going to do something to change that.’
But as I spoke, you were shaking your head. ‘You don’t know how it is, Mum. Not for us.’
I looked at you, shocked.
Then Ollie said, ‘Lexie’s right.’ He glanced at you.
I sat there, suddenly realising you were right. How could I know? ‘How can I make things better?’
Neither of you spoke for a moment.
It was you who broke the silence. ‘If you want the three of us to stay together, Dad has to move out.’
‘Or we will both leave,’ Ollie said.
I gazed at you both, flummoxed. Was it that simple? ‘Have you two been talking about this?’
‘Not really.’ Ollie’s shoulders were hunched. ‘But nothing’s going to change if he stays.’
I was trying to keep up with you. Things were moving too fast. ‘We also have to think how Dad is going to cope,’ I said.
‘He doesn’t think about us,’ Ollie said angrily.
‘Ollie,’ I said sharply. ‘That isn’t kind.’
‘Mum!’ Lexie sounded outraged. ‘Why are you thinking about Dad? He isn’t kind. He’s awful to Ollie. And me. Only even now you can’t admit that, can you?’
Shock piled upon shock as I looked at you both. How was I so deluded? So unaware? I tried to reassure you both. ‘I don’t know what the answer is. But I’m working on it. And I can promise you this much. Things are going to change.’
You were impassive; hope briefly flickered in Ollie’s eyes. But I got it. It wasn’t just your father who had failed you. It was going to take a lot more than words.
‘Good for you,’ Lucy said when I told her. ‘I’m proud of you, Edie. You’re right to do something about this.’
