‘It’s not just about food. It’s a philosophy to live by. To tread gently. To do no harm.’
‘You need to snap out of this nonsense.’ Ryan was furious, uncompromising. ‘Eat the food on your plate, young lady. There’s nothing wrong with it.’
I remember you sitting there, calm. You refused to be bullied. ‘You can’t force me.’
But Ryan saw it as a challenge to him.
So many times, Ryan had bullied you and Ollie over the years, but this was one of the worst. Another memory you’d stored away that would fuel your response to him. But it was beyond the limits of Ryan’s comprehension.
Picking up his fork and stabbing meat onto it, he came over to where you were sitting. Holding you tightly by the arm, he tried to force it into your mouth.
‘Ryan, no.’ Horrified, I grabbed his other arm, tried to pull him away, but he was too strong.
‘Dad.’ Ollie stood up, his eyes glittering with anger. ‘Leave her alone.’
Was it another of your philosophies not to fight? Or had you wanted him to look back, to forever be ashamed? Turning your face away, you sat there as Ryan tried to jam food into your mouth, until Ollie stepped in and wrestled the fork from him.
Confronting his father, he was shaking. ‘I said leave her alone.’
Ryan made a lunge for the fork, but Ollie moved it away. ‘You piece of shit,’ Ryan snarled at him.
‘I can’t take this.’ Ollie stood back, his face white. ‘You are a fucked human being.’ He glanced at me. ‘I’m sorry, Mum. But I can’t live with this.’
I remember Ollie walking out. Then you shouting, ‘Stop.’ You clamped your hands over your ears. ‘All of you, stop.’ Tears streamed down your face as, getting up, you ran to your bedroom.
Ryan stormed out – presumably to the pub. Coming back downstairs, Ollie sat and stared at me. ‘This is wrong, Mum.’ A shadow crossed his face. ‘He shouldn’t have done that. He’s a fucking monster. I can’t handle it any more. Nor can Lexie. And she shouldn’t have to.’
‘I know,’ I said helplessly, my eyes filling with tears. ‘But I don’t know how to fix things.’ I got up to go and check on you, then paused for a moment. ‘Are you OK, Oll?’
He looked shaken. ‘Yes. But Lexie isn’t.’
Leaving Ollie, I ran upstairs to find you. Loud music was coming from your room, and when I knocked and cracked the door open, I could see you on your bed. Lying on your side, you were turned away from me.
‘Lex?’ I said. Then, ‘Lexie?’ Seeing your shoulders shudder, I went over to your bed. ‘Hey, sweetie.’
You turned. And I saw your suffering in your eyes; you always felt more deeply than the rest of us. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered.
‘It doesn’t matter.’ Your eyes seemed to gaze somewhere far away from here.
‘It does,’ I said fiercely. ‘It matters so much.’
‘Then why do we stay with him?’
You summed it up, Lexie. Asked the single question that mattered. When I didn’t speak, you went on.
‘Ollie’s right. He’s a fucked human being.’ Your voice was shaking. ‘Can’t you see that? It’s horrible being me. I hate it sometimes. But other people have to live with much worse.’ Your eyes filled with tears again. ‘That’s what gets to me, because being me is bad enough…’ Your voice wavered, tears pouring down your face; your own life muddled with the causes that concerned you. ‘Why do people have to be so cruel?’
‘Oh, Lexie.’ My heart went out to you. Your principles were admirable. But already, I was asking myself, were things really that bad?
‘I don’t want to live here any more.’ Your voice was muffled.
I was shocked; first Ollie, now you. ‘You can’t move out, Lexie. You’re too young.’
You raised your head, gazing at me. ‘I’ll be fifteen soon. I don’t care if it’s legal or not. I’ll find somewhere.’
You would be fifteen in a few weeks. I briefly considered that I had that long to make it right. I tried to persuade Ollie to stay, unable to bear the thought of either of you going anywhere, not like this. And I tried, Lexie. So hard. To make Ryan see what he was doing to you; to get him to try to change. But in this imperfect world we shared, I felt like there were no answers.
After talking to Caitlin, I was aware that a weight had lifted. But I’d yet to find a way forward for us. Over the days that followed, I gave our session a lot of thought before our next meeting. To the extent that you noticed something was different.
