“I didn’t say it.”
“Well, neither did I,” Bo argued. “I said an awful thing, but I never said you weren’t good enough.”
Silence fell again, and in the quiet, Bo noticed a wrinkle in Max’s shirt. She longed to reach out and smooth it away.
Eventually, Max sighed. “We’re going to keep going round in circles here, Bo. You realize that, right?”
“So, let’s not go round in circles then,” Bo replied, and she reached out to take Max’s hand, but he pulled away before she could touch him.
“No. We’re done here, Bo,” Max said flatly. “We each got a hit in. We each hurt each other. Well done us. But now we’re done.” For a moment, he gave her an odd look, as though weighing something in his mind. Then he shook his head slowly, almost to himself. “I should’ve known,” he muttered. “We were never going to be the kind of couple who got to walk off into the sunset together, were we?”
Bo felt that sharp pain run through her again, and she chewed down on her lip to stop herself from instantly protesting. She wouldn’t beg. She wouldn’t plead.
I want him to respect me, if nothing else,she told herself.So, I won’t beg or plead with him. I won’t say another word, in fact. He’s right. We’re done here. There’s nowhere left for us to go from here. I’ve hurt him too badly, and he’s . . . he’s hurt me too.
She nodded slowly, and Max watched her face carefully. For a moment he gazed at her, his eyes intent upon her own, and she knew he was searching for something in her eyes. What, though?I won’t cry,Bo thought.I can’t let him see how much this hurts.
She stood taller, wrapping her cardigan tight around her stomach, and Max at last sighed.
“You said you had something to tell me.” His tone was flat, almost tired.
“Did I?”
“When you first came in.”
“Oh.” Bo thought for a moment. All of a sudden, she felt exhausted, her mind worryingly empty and emotions flat. What had she wanted to say? She couldn’t remember why she’d come here. Couldn’t remember what she’d wanted to say. The only thought she had now, circling again and again and again through her mind like a record playing on a rusty gramophone, was that she’d hurt Max, and this was the end for them.
“Bo?”
She looked up and into Max’s blue eyes and it all came back to her. She loved him. She loved him so much. She’d wanted to tell Max that but knew now she couldn’t. Telling him she loved him now would look like emotional manipulation in the extreme, and she wouldn’t do that to him.
I’ve hurt him enough already,she thought mournfully.I don’t want to hurt him anymore. So, I’ll keep it to myself. What good would it have done to tell him anyway?He doesn’t love me back. He doesn’t want me and will never be serious about me. I’ll keep it to myself, and eventually, one day, it will all go away. I’ll fall out of love with him, move on with my life, and this will all feel like a bad dream.
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Bo said, her tone as flat and tired as Max’s. “It probably didn’t matter in the first place.”
Max nodded.
“Are you going to be okay?” she asked.
“You really care?”
“Of course I care,” she replied, stung. “I don’t want us to end as enemies, Max. You said from the beginning you weren’t my enemy . . . I don’t want you for one now.”
“You’re right. Not enemies then,” Max agreed.
“Happily complicated,” Bo returned, but Max shook his head.
“Unhappily complicated.”
That stung too, but Bo did her best to hide her pain from him. “Unhappily complicated,” she agreed, in a small voice.
Unexpectedly, Max pulled her towards him, hugging her tight. It nearly broke her, this embrace, and Bo felt a sob rise in her throat. She swallowed it down though, allowing herself for one moment to burrow into Max’s chest, to luxuriate in the feeling of his arms around her. He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, and for one brief, wonderful moment, she felt oddly at peace.
“Goodbye, Bo,” Max whispered into her hair, before looking down at her. He briefly hesitated, before kissing her gently on the lips. His lips lingered against her own, soft and sweet and familiar, and when they parted, Bo couldn’t help the sad sigh that escaped her.
She couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye though.
She wasn’t that strong.
