I shook my head. Over the last three weeks, my phone had rung throughout the day, so many times, I’d lost count. I couldn’t speak to him. I had no idea what to say. There was simply no future with him.
“You’ll have to take his call sometime, sweetie.” Ruvash dropped the phone on the bed and resumed brushing.
“Yeah. That time is not now.”
“When, then?”
I turned to look at my cousin. “What would I say, Ru. We fucked up and Rayden got hurt in the process.”
“Love is uncontrolled—” The sudden peal of the doorbell cut him off. Ruvash kissed my head before he went to answer the door. He returned a couple of minutes later, his expression solemn. “Rayden’s here.”
“What,” I shrieked, jumping off the bed.
“He won’t take no for an answer, Sia, says he’ll sit on your doorstep if he has to. Go to him, sweetie.”
I stared at him, debating my next move. Could I face Rayden with a straight face? After a moment’s deliberation, I exchanged my pj’s for sweatpants and a t-shirt. When I entered my open-plan kitchen and living room, Rayden turned away from the window. We stared for a couple of minutes, appraising each other’s sad features. He looked tired and guilty tears immediately filled my eyes.
“What are you doing here, Rayden. Haven’t I hurt you enough?” I finally asked.
“Call me stupid, call me pathetic, but I had to see you, to know you were all right.”
My lips trembled before I gave into a weepy laugh, swiping at the tears I no longer bothered to control since that night. They were intent on living with me daily, and who was I to deny my wretched body, the pain it sought. “I deserve that?”
He frowned. “What?”
“You, making me feel like the horrible person I am.”
He shook his head. “I don’t understand.” He took a step closer.
My stomach ached at the raw emotion in his eyes. A deep churning that twisted my gut like a coiled rattlesnake glimpsing its next victim. All it needed was that one moment to strike, and right now, Rayden wasn’t giving me that. “I don’t deserve your care, Rayden. I deserve your hate.”
He sighed, taking another step forward. “If I didn’t love you so fucking much, then yes, you deserve my hate.” He smiled. “But I can’t, Sianna, I can’t hate you.”
I stared at the man whose life and family I’d ruined. “I wanted to apologize, Rayden. But then I reminded myself apologies were for mistakes. What was the punishment for selfishness?” I glanced down at my coffee mug. Its dark color could never match my soul. Mine was so black, a flashlight wouldn’t help, not even a smidgen. I set the mug down on the kitchen table. “You can’t love me. I need you to punish me.” I cried harder, burying my shameful face in my trembling hands.
“Sianna—”
“If you can’t punish me. Then I’ll do it myself.”
“What do you mean?”
“To not love again. To never feel what you feel for me. I won’t allow myself to. Not now. Not ever.”
“Si—”
I turned away from him, not wanting to look at that beautiful face knowing I’d scarred it with pain. Not knowing how to articulate my need to comfort him without coming across as selfish. Because at the end of the day, any love I lathered on him would be based on lies. How would he be sure that my heart was true to him? Hell, I didn’t even know who my freaking heart wanted.
“Do you love him?”
I glanced at him over my shoulder. What answer did I give him? “Does it matter?”
“To me, it does.”
“And what if I said I loved you too. That I don’t know why it happened or how?”
He stared at me, his green eyes assessing as though debating whether to hate or love me. And I was desperate for him to hate me. Anything else and I’d crumble. Too ashamed for what I’d done, more so what I could never make right as long as I lived.
Rayden sighed, neared me and slowly turned me around to face him. “It’s okay, you know.” At my blank look, he added, “to love two people and for two different reasons.”
