I push his hand away and sit up. The sheet slips down to my waist. Cool air grazes my bare breasts. Anger hits me, and I point out, "You weren't there. You left me, remember? You walked out and said it was too dangerous. So yeah, I coped the only way I knew how."
His eyes darken further, and his hand reaches for mine. He laces our fingers together. "Coped? By cutting into your skin?"
"Yes. That's what I do. You know this," I affirm.
"Blue—"
"Don't lecture me, Red."
"This isn't a solution to fix your emotions," he adds.
I raise my voice. "Then you should have thought about that when you decided to cut me loose!"
He takes a few breaths, then calmly asserts, "You know I want to be with you."
"Then don't leave me again."
Silence fills the air.
He finally offers, "I hate that you did this. I hate that I wasn't there to stop it."
A frustrated sigh comes out of me. "You can't stop it every time. But you can stay now. Be with me for real."
He shakes his head, leaning in closer, his other hand cupping my face. "I want that more than anything. But you hurting yourself like this...it kills me. Tell me why. What pushed you to the blade last night?"
I look away, throat tightening.
"Tell me," he softly urges.
I shrug, revealing, "I felt empty. You left. The Instagram stories weren't enough. I needed something real. Something I could feel."
He turns my face back to his and strokes my cheek. "You have to learn how to feel your emotions and not pick up a blade, or a pin, or anything else that will hurt you."
"Well, the secrecy doesn't help," I point out.
An irritated breath rumbles out of him. He scrubs his face with his hand, then nods. "I know. Our situation sucks right now."
I lean closer to him. "Exactly. And that's why I'm ready to tell my parents. Today. Tomorrow. Soon. I can't hide us anymore."
His hand drops, eyes widening a fraction. "No. Blue, no. Not yet."
I pull back, sheet bunching in my lap. "Why not? You said last night you don't want to leave me. You just told me you want us together more than anything. So let's make it official. My dad will understand once he sees how much I need you. And how much we love each other."
Red's expression hardens. He runs his hand through his hair and argues, "Your dad isn't going to be okay with this, Blue, nor will anyone else."
"He will," I insist, then add, "Everyone will!"
Red scoffs. "Your family runs half the city's underground operations. All your father will see is a guy who took advantage of his daughter in therapy. He'll order Mikhail or someone else to put a bullet in me before you finish the sentence."
I shake my head, scooting closer on my knees. "He won't. I'll make him listen. I'm his daughter. He loves me."
Red grabs my shoulders, not hard but urgent. "Love doesn't stop a man like him from protecting his family. We need a better plan than just blurting it out."
I toss my hands in the air, demanding, "Like what?"
Red closes his eyes, then opens them. "I don't know, but something to show him I'm not a threat. We have to get him to understand I really love you and I'm not taking advantage of you. Rushing this gets me killed."
The heater rattles and makes my anxiety flare. I straddle him and drag my fingers through his hair above his ear, claiming, "No one can take advantage of me. My father should know that."
