I remained frozen in my seat as I dipped my head low to snuggle Calla and avoid Luke’s eyes. He kept attempting to catch my sight. To connect? To discern my feelings?
“Good. Even though she has huge ears and smells like poop sometimes, my sister is cute. She smiles a lot and hardly ever barfs all over my mom. If we’re going to get to know each other, then you need to get to know her too. It’s not fair if I’m the only one with a dad now.” He eyed Luke with a determined expression.
“I would be happy to get to know your sister as long as it’sokay with your mom.” Luke glanced up at me with a soft look that I caught out of the corner of my eye. “Whatever makes you comfortable, Lily. Anything you need.”
I was too busy trying not to cry to give an answer. As I looked away my lower lip trembled. I bit it to regain control.Too hard.Ow.
“Should I call you Dad? Can I?” Dylan asked, breaking the awkward silence with a potentially awkward question.
“I would love that.” Luke smiled hugely at Dylan and repeated, “As long as it’s okay with your mom.”
The hope shining in Luke’s eyes blinded me as he searched my expression with a faint smile on his face. And oh, how I had missed his smile. I shut my eyes briefly against the sight of it before steeling myself so I could respond. “You can call him Dad if you like, Dylan. It’s up to you.” I tried discreetly switching Calla to the other breast to nurse. Luke quickly averted his eyes back to Dylan. I guess I failed at being discreet. My face flamed with embarrassment.
“Do you think it would hurt my dad Will’s feelings?” Dylan asked, finally showing a little uncertainty.
Luke answered before I could. “I’m not trying to take Will’s place, and I don’t want you to forget about him. Love makes a father, not blood. Will loved you and took care of you when I wasn’t there to do it myself. He was a good man, and I liked him a lot.”
“I didn’t know you knew my dad. Why weren’t you there? Why have I never met you before?” Dylan asked.
“I met him a few times when I visited your mom whenever I was on leave. She lived with your aunt Jane then, and Will would come around and visit.”
I had never talked about this part of my life with Dylan. It was too painful. What would Jane think of Luke being back in our lives? Jane was Will’s little sister and my college roommate; we’d been best friends ever since we met. After Will died, she took a leave of absence to move in with me. Wegrieved together and she helped me care for Dylan while I was on bed rest, pregnant with Calla.
Luke continued, “I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He closed his eyes briefly, before looking intently at Dylan as if willing him to understand his words. “Have you ever felt lost? Not like you can’t find the right turn to take or the right path to follow, but lost inside your mind. Maybe so sad you thought you would never be happy again. Or so bad about something you had done that you thought no one could love you anymore?”
My heart cracked wide open at his words.
“I felt sad like that when my dad Will died,” Dylan answered. His expression was one I’d never seen. This was serious to him. He was growing up right before my eyes. I took a deep breath to abate the tears that filled my eyes.
“I felt that way for a really, really long time. I’m just now starting to feel better. Your Grandpa Jed told me about you when I got home, and at first, I felt guilty for being so stubborn and stupid for not letting your mom or Jed talk to me. Years had passed and I missed everything.” He stopped talking; perhaps he was lost in his memories. He blinked, shaking it off, and refocused on Dylan. “Grandpa Jed made me see that I have one chance to make it right. He told me I had to fight for you by getting better, so I could earn your forgiveness. When I was in the Army, I got hurt really bad, Dylan. Most people understand that we need to take care of our bodies. When our bodies get hurt or sick, we go to the doctor or we rest so we can heal. But sometimes our minds get sick too. I had to heal my mind, so I could be the dad you deserve. And I would like to try. Is that okay?”
“How did you hurt your mind?” Dylan asked.
It was one thing to know that Luke was suffering from PTSD. It was something completely different to hear the words coming directly from him. I could feel his pain and guiltlike something tangible. The wall I had erected in my heart to keep him out began to crumble. And it terrified me.
“When you are in the Army, you see things that are scary. Sometimes people you like get hurt or even die, and it makes you sad. Every day is busy and sometimes dangerous. It’s hard to stop and think. So, sometimes, you just quit thinking because it hurts too much.” He stopped talking and ran his hands over his face and into his hair, leaving his palms covering his eyes. Dylan got up and placed his little hands against Luke’s cheeks, forcing Luke to look at him.
“I forgive you Dad,” he stated firmly.
Luke inhaled sharply and clenched his jaw before issuing a solemn promise: “I will prove to you every day that I deserve it.”
I needed to get out of here before the tears burning behind my eyes spilled over and showed Luke just how much he still affected me. I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable like this. One more word from his lips and I would lose the grip on my tenuous control. Hastily, I stood up. Rocky looked up at me plaintively before hopping to my spot on the swing.
“I have to go. It’s time,” I announced a little too brightly. “We can make plans for you two to get together. Let’s exchange numbers. Dylan has my phone.” Calla started to fuss as I popped her off and righted my shirt. I hugged her to my chest and rubbed her back. I was not sure who was comforting whom at this moment.
“Okay, but I would like to talk to you too, Lily,” Luke answered softly.
“Sure, we can make plans to talk soon, but I’m supposed to be at my mom’s house right now for dinner, and I need to put Calla down for a nap.”
Luke took his phone from his pocket and they exchanged numbers.
“Come on, Dylan, let’s go to Grandma’s. They’re probablywaiting for us. We’ll get you together with Luke soon. Promise.”
Dylan threw his arms around Luke’s neck. Dylan whispered in his ear, “I’m glad you came home.” I felt my heart break and mend at the same time at the sight.
As Dylan ran to the car, I offered a small smile to Luke and said, “I’m glad you’re back, too.” I turned away and followed after our son.
“I’ll see you soon,” he said as I buckled Calla in. I chose to assume he was addressing Dylan and didn’t answer. I needed more time to think.
