Chapter 4
Luke
Iwas rooted in place next to the fire pit, unable to look away as I watched our son hop into the back seat of Lily’s car and wave to me from the window. My heart seized as I watched Lily put her baby in the car seat and buckle her in. Her hair was fiery red just like Lily’s and she was tiny and adorable in her flowered pink pajamas.
That should be my baby.The thought barreled into my mind before anything rational could form. I didn’t want to rush, but seeing her again made me want things I shouldn’t—things I knew I wasn’t ready for. I’d only been back a few months. I still had a lot of work to do on myself.
Lily was more beautiful than ever. I only managed to catch her eyes a couple times and I was saddened that the bright hazel happiness I’d taken for granted when we were younger had dimmed. I knew I was a large part of her sorrow, and it broke my heart. She seemed tired, or maybe just emotionally exhausted from all that had changed for her recently.
I had liked Will. He had been a good man, but he was gone. This was my chance to take care of Lily and Dylan. I looked up, to thank him or somehow acknowledge what he had done. But it was impossible; the only way to show my appreciationwas to take the action I had already planned on taking. He had taken care of Lily and Dylan when I was gone, and now it was my turn to do the same. But it wasn’t doing it for him, just like I knew he hadn’t done it for me.
Back then, I knew Will had wanted her. And I had respected him for never crossing the line. He was her best friend’s brother, and he had never acted as anything beyond that toward her.
She hadn’t seen what I had—the desire in his eyes and the longing. I saw it because I felt the same way he did. But she’d been mine then, not his. Not until I’d been so damaged, so blinded by pain I’d lost her from my sight and let her go. My vision cleared just as his life had ended. Was it tragedy or fate? Who knew? I wasn’t going to bother trying to figure it out. I had only one objective: to win my family back. Lily. Dylan. And now Calla.
Lily and I were born knowing each other. Our mothers said we met in the womb. They’d been best friends, pregnant at the same time, so maybe we did. But she had always been special to me.
Never once did I imagine that she wouldn’t be my friend—not until the day I realized what love really was and started imagining her being so much more. When I learned what a kiss was, I wanted to do it with her. When I was curious about sex, I imagined it with her. When I pictured the family I would have someday, she would be my wife. I wanted to be with her always. I wanted to live with her, die with her. Justbewith her. There had never been anyone else for me, not ever.
I continued watching them, though I did sit down and absentmindedly pet Rocky so I wouldn’t seem like a creeper just standing and staring. My years of celibacy suddenly became too much as my body reacted to being near hers again. Her red hair shone in the sun, as gorgeous as ever. I imagined what it would be like to have it wrapped around my hands again, draped across my chest, tickling my skin as I held herclose. Her body was lush with curves and her face was straight out of my dreams. She looked the same, but there was a new depth to her beauty. She had grown; maybe she had changed just as much as I had. I was dying to know her again.
She was the love of my life. She was the beat of my heart, and I had been living without her for too long. As I watched her drive away, I felt torn in two. I knew I wanted her back in my life, but I didn’t want to push too hard too soon and drive her away or scare her off. My feelings were rapidly running out of control.
“Heads up!” Liam called as he tossed me a beer, sprawled out on one of the chairs, and propped his feet up on the fire pit. “I heard her drive off. How did it go?” He cracked open his beer and took a long sip. Rocky jumped off the swing and sat next to his feet.
“It went fine. I mostly talked to Dylan. He’s funny and curious, and so smart, Liam,” I said with a laugh.
“And Lily?” he prodded.
“We didn’t talk much. She said she was glad I was back, we exchanged numbers, and that’s about it. Dylan and I did all the talking. I doubt she would have even spoken to me at all if he wasn’t here.” Disappointment filled my heart. I had a lot of hope built up and not really talking to her at all shook me.
“Sorry, man. She’ll come around.”
I popped open my beer and sipped it. “Dylan forgave me. But I didn’t hurt him like I hurt her. I wasn’t there for him, but he didn’t know the difference because he had Will. I could see the hurt in her eyes. She gets this look, like she wants to run away. Then she kind of did run away. After Dylan said he forgave me, she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”
“You know it’s not just you she’s running away from. She’s been through a lot. Coming back here must dredge up just as many memories for her as it does for you. Bottom line, you regret letting her go. Make her believe it,” he advised.
I quirked an eyebrow in his direction and said, “I didn’tknow you were such an expert on relationships, Liam,” making him laugh.
“I’m not. But if you’re not decisive and clear about your intentions, she’ll think you don’t mean it. This is important. This is your woman, your family. You have to be all in. It’s the only way you’ll get anywhere with her.”
“She’s not my woman anymore,” I argued. “Today proved it.”
He sat forward and pointed at me. “Bullshit. You’ve talked about her so much I knew it was her an not Rose was the moment I saw her. And she was nervous. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have acted so skittish.”
“She’s worried about Dylan,” I said.
“And seeing you again,” Liam insisted.
“I doubt that.” Rocky always sensed when I was feeling down. He came to me and put his head on my leg. I scratched behind his ears, then he jumped on my lap and licked my cheek.
Liam shook his head. “Keep arguing, Luke. Argue yourself right out of getting your family back. You want them? Earn it. You have a child together and that’s a bond that will never break. That’s your way back to her. You all need each other, and that boy needs a father—and a good one at that. That’s something neither of us ever had. This is your chance. Don’t waste it.”
“You’re right. This just didn’t go as I wanted it to. I should have expected her to be like this. I know her. She’s got to be questioning everything right now.”
“You’ve got this. Be the strong one for both of you.”
Liam was right. If I had doubts and let them show, it would only hurt us all. For all these years, I could have had my family. Terrified of physically hurting her again, I’d cut off all contact. I’d allowed myself to succumb to my fears and remained alone. I’d ended up hurting her far worse than my hands ever could have done. I’d abandoned her when sheneeded me the most, violating a lifetime of trust we had built effortlessly between us over the years. I hoped like hell I could find a way to repair it. She didn’t need me to take care of her; she had her family, and she was more than capable of doing it herself.
