“You keep everything inside, Lily,” Mom said. “It has to come out. If you don’t let it out, it will force its way.”
I nodded as tears crept down my cheeks to land on my chest. I had done this to myself, of course.
The front door burst open. Cade ran in, followed by Levi and a paramedic I didn’t recognize. Great. Mom called nine-one-one, and of course my brothers were the ones to respond.
Cade rushed over to me and knelt in front of the couch. “Lily,” he said, then he looked up at Dad. “What’s wrong?”
“Cade, move,” Levi ordered as he rushed over. He was wearing a paramedic uniform and carried a case full of supplies. He’d been a paramedic before becoming a firefighter. I didn’t know he still didit.
“Panic attack,” Dad said. I closed my eyes in embarrassment.
Levi nodded and put a blood pressure cuff on my arm. He smiled at me and patted my leg. I’d never had a panic attack before. I had been anxious before. I had freaked out a little bit here and there. But I had never lost my shit to the point that I didn’t know what was going on. It scared me.
Trying to reassure myself as much as my family, I said, “I think I’m okay now.”
Levi nodded his agreement. “Pressure is normal,” he said as he removed the cuff. “How do you feel? Want to ride in the ambo?” He grinned at me. “I’ll put on the lights and everything. You can sit up front.”
I shook my head. “No thanks, Levi. I’m just embarrassed now.”
“Nothing to be embarrassed about, Lil. Feel better, okay?”
I nodded as he packed up his bag and left with his partner.
I shifted off Dad’s lap and tucked myself into the corner of the couch. Cade pulled a throw blanket from the chair he was sitting on and covered me. I burrowed under it and thought about my life and how I’d screwed it up. I’d lost my mind tonight. Now that I was thinking clearly, I was horrified that I’d let myself get so out of control. My mother was probably right; I kept too much inside. What I had been doing was no longer working.
In the spirit of change... “Mom, will you take care of Calla tonight? I think you were right, and I need to sleep.”
She sat there and just blinked at me. I must have shocked her. “Yes. Yes, I will. And you can sleep in too. Lily, darling, you don’t have to worry about a thing.” Her smile was caring and genuine.
I needed to get it through my head that shewantedto help me. Accepting her help did not make me weak, or needy. It made me smart. No one could do it all, and what happened to me tonight was all the proof I needed. I thought about Callaand Dylan as adults. Would I still want to be there for them? Be a part of their lives? I absolutely would, and I would be hurt if they didn’t let me. I needed help. I was drowning and exhausted, and I felt ridiculous.
“Thank you for taking care of me.” I leaned over to hug my dad. He squeezed me back.
I got up and kissed my mom on the cheek. “I love you, Mom,” I whispered. I took a step back and almost crashed into Cade. Wow, he was fast.
He wrapped me into a big bear hug and whispered into my ear, “You can talk to me, Lily. I expect you to. Please?”
I nodded against his chest. Best brother ever. To be fair, I could say that about any one of my brothers, but Cade was right here, so he got the honor for the moment.
“Promise,” I whispered back after he let me go. “I’m going to crash,” I announced. “Good night, guys.”
After I crawled back into bed, I thought again about the day I’d had—the car chase, my stolen phone, the awesome date with Luke. But this time, I thought about how Ifeltabout all of it. I never thought about how I felt. I mean, I had feelings, but I usually just ended up trying to bury them and get on with it. I stared up at the dark ceiling, trying to analyze my day.
Is this what people do?
If I didn’t know how to process what I felt, then I couldn’t process my confusion about how to process my feelings.
Gah, I’m an idiot.
My eyes shot to the door as it opened and light from the hallway shined in. My mom stood in the doorway. I could feel her eyes on me, probably checking on me.
“I’m awake,” I announced. I saw her smile as she crossed the threshold and closed the door behind her.
She threw back the covers and crawled in the bed next to me. “Come here,” she demanded, opening her arms.
I turned to face her and just stared at her.
“Come here,” she repeated. I scooted over, and she wrapped her arms around me and pulled my face to her chest.
