She’s not pushy and didn’t ask any more about my past when I told her I’d rather not bring those things up outside of therapy, that I worry it will hinder my progress.
Truthfully, I am tired of letting those parts of my life bring me down and I’m ready to move on with my future. The more I discuss those things, the more I feel like I’m being dragged back to the past.
“The past is the past. You don’t live there anymore. Let’s get these emotions out and work on not letting them control you anymore, so you can move on with your future”is what my therapist says when I start getting depressed during our sessions.
I am getting stronger every day, mentally and physically. I’m slowly learning to cope with the loss of Mama in healthy ways instead of wanting to join her six feet under. I’ll never be ok with her loss, but I do my best every day to make her proud of me.
Nick stays up my ass so much, I’m not going to fall on it anytime soon. He’s like my own personal hemorrhoid. There are four missed calls when I look at my phone that’s been on silent—all from Nick. Speak of the devil and he shows up. If I don’t call him back, he’s just going to call Ethan and make him hand me the phone.
“Too busy flirting with the officer to answer your phone?” Nick’s irritated voice snaps on the other line.
“Why do you care? You didn’t seem to mind sending one to the barn when it was convenient for you.” I put the nuggets on the plate and pass them into Mrs. Rykers’s room to Jessa who gives me a sympathetic smile. She knows his temper.
“That’s because you and Ethan were jackassing around when you were supposed to be working. That was two months ago, let’s move on from that, shall we?” He bites back.
We were working and having fun but there’s no point in arguing with him. Honestly I think he enjoys it.Lawyer, I remind myself.
“Were you watching me on camera again? You know they make medication for people who have such over-the-top control issues. My therapist might be willing to see you, too.” I don’t even try to hide my sarcasm from him anymore. If he was going to retaliate against me, he would’ve done it by now.
“The alarm company notifies me any time there’s a security breech. Yes, I checked the cameras. You were too busy eye-fucking the police officer to answer your phone, so I had to send Ethan to see what happened.” He must’ve been looking very closely at me to have caught that.
Heat flushes in my face thinking about the time he caught me staring at him and leaned in close to my face and asked me if I was trying to have a staring contest. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t touched myself several times thinking about that, or the time he said he would personally undress me if I didn’t give the clothes back when I was trying to run away.
“First of all, it’s none of your concern who I eye-fuck. Second, everything is fine, just relax.”
“Do you really want to push me on this? Because I will find the ugliest police officer I can to escort you right back to the beach house in handcuffs, then you will have me to deal with when you get here.”
A thrill shoots through me. I am anxious to get back and see him in person again. Occasionally he calls on FaceTime, but it’s not the same.
“Then what? Are you going to spank me for not bowing down to you when I get there? Ugh, I love it when you talk dirty to me.” I roll my eyes.
“Roll your eyes at me again and see what happens.” It sounds like he’s speaking through his teeth.
I give the camera the middle finger, knowing he’s watching.
“Feeling like a spicy little cupcake, aren’t you? Pack your bags. The storm will have moved out in an hour. You and Ethan are coming back today.”
“No police escort?” I stick out a pouty lip in front of the camera.
“No, you might like it, even if he was ugly. You’re riding with Ethan.” He hangs up. Dick.
I’ve enjoyed the last two months here. It’s October now and I was looking forward to doing fall things on the farm. Elizabeth said she makes homemade apple cider and donuts on Saturday mornings for everyone.
A pang of sadness hits my heart when I get to my room. I’ve enjoyed working with the horses more than I ever thought possible, especially Jester. I’ve bonded the most with him.
I’ve learned trust, respect, and patience are vital and must be reciprocated when handling young horses that can go astray when they encounter new, ‘spooky’ things.
They need someone who is calm and steady to show them everything is going to be ok. I’ve had to learn to control my emotions so I could be their calm and steady. I’ve learned that communication between the horse and handler is spoken from the heart. My fear and frustration led to negative responses from them.
I had to learn to read their cues and body language, how to feel when they shift from calm to nervous energy, or vice versa. Their behaviors are, most times, conditioned responses and for every action, there was a reaction. If I was nervous, so were they. If they sensed me being calm, it helped them calm down, too.
Also, I’ve learned that if you accidentally leave the door to the feed room open, they will dispose of everything oat and grain in the barrel. Thankfully, the day it happened, not much feed was in there and the horses didn’t colic from eating too much.
Last but not least, they’ve given me confidence in myself. Not only confidence to handle an animal of that size, but when things don’t always work out as planned, confidenceto use my problem-solving skills to find out what works best for each individual horse.
These things might come in handy since I will have to deal with Nick every day for a while, even if he is more like an ass than a horse. I’ve been too engrossed in my work here to worry about what he is going to have me do undercover.
Or maybe I just suppressed that worry for another day. My therapist says I have a bad habit of doing so, and I need to learn to face my fears head-on to be able to be the most confident and productive version of myself.
